Becoming a spousal maintenance cash cow - or not Becoming a spousal maintenance cash cow - or not - Page 2
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  1. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by jacob View Post
    I'll try and keep this succint. Some point next year, I'm highly likely to file for divorce. The wife says that if I do, she'll make things 'nasty' for me. (Just what I'd expect).
    Why don't you just stay married and look after your child then?

    There's nothing that stops you from doing this and still finding another partner at the same time.
    I'm not fat, I'm just fluffy.

  2. #12

    Ddraig Goch


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    Im sort of with OP on this one and I think I'd be the same.....

    My kids I'd pay every penny I earn to make sure they're well looked after. Paying for a lazy arse ex-mrs to sit on her arse and get nobbed by some new fella - no chance.....
    Rhyddid i lofnod psychocandy!!!!

  3. #13

    Contractor Among Contractors


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    Quote Originally Posted by psychocandy View Post
    Im sort of with OP on this one and I think I'd be the same.....

    My kids I'd pay every penny I earn to make sure they're well looked after. Paying for a lazy arse ex-mrs to sit on her arse and get nobbed by some new fella - no chance.....
    The only way to avoid that is not to get married.

    You can try all the clever accounting you want - the family courts are not stupid. Sexist - but not stupid.

  4. #14

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    Spend the time between now and the divorce converting the wife into a feminist, who will then accept equality and not look to benefit from you supporting her while its the child that needs the support.
    Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down. Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

  5. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hobosapien View Post
    Spend the time between now and the divorce converting the wife into a feminist, who will then accept equality and not look to benefit from you supporting her while its the child that needs the support.
    I'm sure you're being "funny" but there is a serious point here. If you want your wife to be able to support herself equally, then you need to be prepared to do your equal share of childcare - dropping jr at nursery, taking time off when they get sick (every week when they first start), doing school runs, doctor appointments, ballet, cubs, swimming lessons etc, etc.

    If the excuse is "my contract/job doesn't let me do that" then what you are paying for is the freedom to carry on earning the money you do while someone else takes care of that stuff. It doesn't just happen.

  6. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by mudskipper View Post
    I'm sure you're being "funny" but there is a serious point here. If you want your wife to be able to support herself equally, then you need to be prepared to do your equal share of childcare - dropping jr at nursery, taking time off when they get sick (every week when they first start), doing school runs, doctor appointments, ballet, cubs, swimming lessons etc, etc.

    If the excuse is "my contract/job doesn't let me do that" then what you are paying for is the freedom to carry on earning the money you do while someone else takes care of that stuff. It doesn't just happen.
    WSS

    OP as a perm your company should allow you some flexibility and you should use it to establish a relationship with your child on your own now long before you even get divorced. Then when you get divorced and become a contractor you will know what your boundaries are in accepting a contract.

    Lots of dads are the parent who drops the kid(s) off to nursery/school everyday. Those who have partners who work for the NHS in clinical roles are frequently the parent who deals with the kid(s) when they are ill either by taking time off or finding a relation who is at home. Lots of dads are the parent who takes the kid(s) swimming etc.
    "You’re just a bad memory who doesn’t know when to go away" JR

  7. #17

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    I agree with the others. In your position I would stay perm, and get as much flexibility as you can from your current position. Use this to spend as much time with your child as possible, because the more involved you are in the child's life (aside from that being generally a good thing), the less argument your ex has for not being able to work and needed more spousal maintenance etc.

    I am currently going through the divorce process, although I don't have kids so my situation is much more simple. However, I was advised by a solicitor that there is really no way to 'artificially' reduce your income in order to avoid your financial obligations. The courts will look at your earnings over the last X years, and base any maintenance on those figures. It's up to you to be able to afford it, which sucks but that's how it is. In short, you are in a crappy situation.

    I think the only way out is declaring yourself bankrupt, but this is a bit like biting your nose off to spite your face, because you won't be able to get credit, mortgages, or probably be a company director.

    It sounds like your relationship is in a pretty bad state, but my advise would be to swallow your anger and try to be as amicable as possible with your ex, because sadly the law is such that she can make your life very difficult financially. The court's first concern is making sure your child is housed and cared for, and assuming your ex will be the primary caregiver, she is in a position to stay in your marital home (at your cost) until the child leaves secondary education, with you picking up the bills. It's very easy in her position to find ways of avoiding work, and from what I've heard, the courts are nowhere near as aggressive in forcing the primary caregiver to pay their own way providing the child is housed etc.

    The other option is to do a disappearing act, but you would then be bailing on your child as well, so I'm sure nobody would recommend that.

  8. #18

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    If you were a contractor in the past, how did you feel when you were on the bench?

    I imagine being a mum, with no job, would induce that feeling regularly. It's not a nice feeling over the longer term.

    Why did the relationship break down? You chose to have a child together (even if an unexpected surprise, she chose to go ahead with it). It seems unlikely this woman is crazy and is more likely deeply scared of having to fend for herself and raise a child alone.

    Try to salvage the relationship for the sake of the child. Even if this means separate rooms or another home nearby. If this really isn't viable, consider reducing your lifestyle, permanent hours, negotiate a respectably good childcare pattern and aim for custody, especially if you have a good relationship with your family and friends nearby.

  9. #19

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    Quote Originally Posted by mudskipper View Post
    I'm sure you're being "funny" but there is a serious point here. If you want your wife to be able to support herself equally, then you need to be prepared to do your equal share of childcare - dropping jr at nursery, taking time off when they get sick (every week when they first start), doing school runs, doctor appointments, ballet, cubs, swimming lessons etc, etc.

    If the excuse is "my contract/job doesn't let me do that" then what you are paying for is the freedom to carry on earning the money you do while someone else takes care of that stuff. It doesn't just happen.
    Hear hear. And the family courts are very good at seeing through this stuff.

    Of course child maintenance is not part of family court remit any more. However they will make sure the asset split and spousal maintenance takes the children into account.

    The children must come first.

  10. #20

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    As someone who’s been through this, looking after you kid(s) aside which should be a given, try to negotiate a clean break if you possibly can even if it means you leave with little.

    No future claims, no claws into pension, no spousal maintenance. In my situation, my ex was pregnant nine months into a prolonged divorce process with her new non live in fella. I could have been on the hook for spousal maintenance while she was giving birth to another blokes kid instead of off looking for work so be the self sufficient woman she so wanted to be.

    Try to be amicable. Bite your lip. Aim for a clean break but at all times, don’t seek to limit financial and emotional responsibility to your kid.

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