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Pub Rules At Christmas

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    Pub Rules At Christmas

    It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”.
    Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful

    DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
    • The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!

    DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm
    • You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.

    YOU ARE IN A ROUND
    • I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same ******* drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

    KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
    • Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there’s 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that tulipty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City

    HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST
    • Welcome to Western Civilization.

    iPHONE ETTIQUETTE
    • Okay, the music isn’t great. It’s nothing to write home about. But it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It’s background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to“do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a twat. A prize, prize twat. Other expletives come to mind. Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.

    ATTRACTING ATTENTION
    • Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do you know why? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar." The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not piss them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe prick or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

    PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
    • If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the **** up. That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills. Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the **** up.

    TIME IS TIME (sometimes)
    • Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it’s a legal ******* requirement. “Who’s gonna know? There’s nobody around, I won’t tell anyone.” THAT’S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED!
    Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
    I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

    I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

    #2
    People who order the Guinness last should be hanged. (Unless they have the good grace to apologise for doing so, in which case they can be let off with twenty lashes.)

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by NickFitz View Post
      People who order the Guinness last should be hanged. (Unless they have the good grace to apologise for doing so, in which case they can be let off with twenty lashes.)
      People who order Guinness last don't like Guinness. I hope they enjoy their tulip pint.
      "You’re just a bad memory who doesn’t know when to go away" JR

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by NickFitz View Post
        People who order the Guinness last should be hanged. (Unless they have the good grace to apologise for doing so, in which case they can be let off with twenty lashes.)
        Why? A Guinness should only take 1,17 to pour and in 3 goes whereas if it was a proper Pils, it should take 7 minutes Luckily I get a bembel of Äbbelwoi so I can serve myself and only go to the bar infrequently:

        Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

        Comment


          #5
          Load of nonsense.
          • Many 'proper' drinkers don't "do" rounds and each go up when they want a drink.
          • Your list of rules includes "there are no rules"
          • In a proper pub with a good range of beer, perusing the local ales or guest beers is part of the experience "I think I'll go for the Mangled Midwife" "What's the Butchered Pedophile like?" Just because YOU always order "A pint of Fosters Mate" the rest of us might not
          • The whole point of a pub is as a safe, welcoming, inclusive refuge. If you want to be a snob, piss off to your wine bar.
          Originally posted by MaryPoppins
          I'd still not breastfeed a nazi
          Originally posted by vetran
          Urine is quite nourishing

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by SueEllen View Post
            People who order Guinness last don't like Guinness. I hope they enjoy their tulip pint.
            It's not rocket science. You pour the first bit, tell the guy "let me serve the next chap while this rests" and then come back to it. I've worked in a pub and if you can't cope with serving so many drinks, you should get a less demanding job (being a good barman is not easy)
            Originally posted by MaryPoppins
            I'd still not breastfeed a nazi
            Originally posted by vetran
            Urine is quite nourishing

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by SimonMac View Post
              TIME IS TIME (sometimes)
              • You cannot cajole them into selling more ....
              Ahem.

              Comment


                #8
                If you don't mind, I would like to take a few printouts and leave one each on the tables at my local. I will sign it as SimonMac at the bottom of the page

                There is another breed who start searching for money in their purse after the drinks are served

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by FatLazyContractor View Post
                  There is another breed who start searching for money in their purse after the drinks are served
                  They're the ones who seem surprised that they need money when they get to the front of the queue in the supermarket.
                  Last edited by mudskipper; 16 December 2014, 22:05.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by FatLazyContractor View Post
                    There is another breed who start searching for money in their purse after the drinks are served
                    Where do we stand on using plastic? It was never a thing in my serving days, other than for a massive round, but these days it seems many places will accept a card for 1-2 drinks.
                    Originally posted by MaryPoppins
                    I'd still not breastfeed a nazi
                    Originally posted by vetran
                    Urine is quite nourishing

                    Comment

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