Kids and Death

[SimonMac]

OK, a cheery post for a Sunday morning, but got the news a very close relative is in the ned stages of her cancer fight and we have been advised to prepare for the inevitable. Breaking the news to Master Mac (9, 10 on Tuesday), Miss Mac (8) and Mini Mac (5), the eldest two seems to take it well, asking sensible questions, the youngest was his typical self, not really appropriate conversation but then again out of the mouths of babes etc.

The conversation (out of their ear shot) came round to asking their mum to mention to the grandparents that we might need them to look after the kids short notice, however my ex was adamant that she and the kids would want to be there at the funeral.

Now I think the eldest might cope, Miss Mac is way to emotional at the best of time and the youngest certainly wouldn't cope, and selfishly I don't want to be looking after them when I don't know who I am going to take it, also I want them to still have their innocence, how can I play along with them being childlike enough to still believe in Santa but then in the same month bring them face to face with the Grim Reaper?

For all those now on a downer this morning here is a picture of a cute kitten

[SueEllen]

Check your PMs

[Troll]

Tough call - I had the same issue when my mum died and mine were 4,5 & 6 - I decided they were too young so they stayed at the other Grandparents - the eldest still brings up that his cousin who is only a year older was allowed to attend the funeral but he was not

In your case - I would say only MiniMac needs to be doubtful for attending -but as the adult you will know your children better than others - kids do need to learn that death is all part of this journey and learn to cope with grief if only to prepare them for your passing later on

[Unix]

I would keep it light, like they've gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Always liked how Islam puts a positive spin on Death by saying you'll have lots of virgins waiting for you. Obviously written by a man.

[BrilloPad]

Absolutely 100% take them. Or at least offer them the chance. When I was 6 my father died. 6 months later my grandfather died. I was taken to the funeral of my father(without being told who it was - I found out 3 days later) and was not allowed to the wake. For my grandfather I was not allowed at the funeral or the wake.

In my opinion it is incredibly dated not to take children to a funeral of relatives. Children are tougher than given credit for and have the right to closure.

They also have a good idea what is going in even if they appear not to know. One year old children were taken into a baby intensive care unit. 50% born in ICU, 50% not. The ones who had been in ICU would go in. Those who had never been in would not.

Just to lighten the mood, a father goes for a walk to his 9 year old son to tell him the facts of life. His son bursts into tears. "At aged 7 you told me Santa Claus does not exist. At 8 you told me the tooth fairy does not exist. If you tell me adults don't f**k I will have nothing to live for."

[TheFaQQer]

When my granddad died, we offered my children (then 10 and 7) whether they wanted to come to the funeral or whether they wanted to stay at home with their aunt and two cousins (2 and 4). They wanted to come, though, so they did.

Elder one cried her heart out throughout the whole service, younger one was upset because she knew that I was upset. But I think that they needed to be there, particularly the elder - she was closer to my granddad than the younger one because he was more with it when she was younger.

I guess it depends also on how close the relative is to the children - would it mean much to them to be there? We weren't at my grandmother's funeral (we were 7,12,14) and that hit my sister for a long time because she wanted to be there and my parents never considered taking us.

So ask them and see what they think - if they want to be there then take them; if they don't then don't. But don't force the issue one way or the other.

And condolences

[scooterscot]

About 5 or 6 years old I was taken to hospital as they switched off the life support for my grandfather. You know I din't know him well enough at that age to know what was going on. But now as an adult I appreciate my parents gave me the opportunity.

I should add, as I remember this even more now that I'm thinking about it, my gran took all his clothes to the garden to burn. That did spell out no more granddad.

[original PM]

rather frivolously no point in taking kids to the funeral as they cannot get p*ssed at the wake...

on the flip side nowadays a lot of people try to make it into a celebration of life - which can make it quite an uplifting experience as ultimately we are all going to die so celebrate the life do not mourn the death.

[mudskipper]

First funeral I went to was my best friend when I was 20. It was awful. I think it's well worth getting used to them when you're a kid - then they seem much more 'normal'. Eldest was 9 when my dad died - he came to the funeral and coped well, but I guess all kids are different.

[NotAllThere]

My 7 year old nephew was banned from my grandmother's funeral (101!) because he was kept saying that it was Nan (my mother) who had died...

Don't shelter the kids, but don't expose them to more than they can handle. Be open and honest. Death is a really tulippy part of life, and cannot be avoided just by ignoring it. "In the midst of life" by Jennifer Worth is an enlightening read.