KIDS STUFF MAGAZINE ADVERTISEMENTS (for kids that are grown up a bit)
----------------------------------
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The Drink Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Milky Booze Kid is tough and strong
I dunno how his liver's held out this long
It's strong enough to rot your shoes
The alcohol that's in Milky Booze.
Now available in orange, strawberry and new lemon vermouth flavours ...
MILKY BOOZE!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Estate Agency Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Sale: Des. Res. Door, Window, Chimney, Sun, $60,000
For Sale: Des. Res. Door, Window, Central Heating, $70,000
For Sale: Chimney, Cat, Big Door, Suit Fatty Jones (class 2B), $80,000
For Sale: $125,000. This may seem pricey, but it costs more because
it's next to an airport and you can see the planes taking
off from the back room.
My House, Door, Lots more windows, two chimneys (so there), Mummy and
Daddy, shiny car, sausages, sun. Not for sale even for a million,
trillion, frillion pounds.
(better with pics)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Army Recruitment Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten reasons why you'll like being in the ARMY.
1. No soppy girls
2. You can shoot your gun whenever you like
3. You get a free soldier costume all your own
4. Mummy doesn't shout at you when you get dirty
5. When you shoot people they have to stay dead
6. You don't have lessons, in fact, we prefer it if you've never had
lessons
7. You get lots of chips with every meal
8. You are always the British, and they have to be the Germans (even
if they are Russians)
9. You get to go up in the sky in helicopters and come down without
them
10. You can say all the rude words you want to
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The Insurance Company Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN
Sometimes, you sick up.
Sometimes, you get measles at Christmas.
Sometimes, your Daddy smacks your bottom.
Sometimes, your sister puts your transformers
in the oven.
And sometimes Mummy and Daddy fall under a puff-puff train
and get smudged along the railway line like strawberry jam.
We know that half a million jelly beans can't replace your
Mummy and Daddy, but they can help to ease the pain.
When your Mummy and Daddy go to see Baby Jesus, we'll be
there with the jelly beans. And we'll take your sister
away, not make you eat parsnips, and let you stay up late
to watch scary movies.
TITCH & QUACKERS
established 1756 - a respectable firm
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Party Political Broadcast (conservative)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene 1: Tracy Island. The living room. The picture of John Tracy flips
down, as he calls in from Thunderbird 5.
John : Father, Britain is sinking fast. Unions, inflation, strikes,
social security scroungers, lesbian teachers, peace camps...
Jeff : That sounds terrible John. I'll call Lady Penelope Thatcher
in London.
Scene 2: Lady Penelope's pink Rolls.
Parker: M'lady, h'it's Mr.Tracy h'on the 'ot line from Tracy Island, D.C.
Penny : What's up, Jeff?
Jeff : We think you should be Prime Minister, Penny.
Penny : Good idea Jeff, I'll see to it immediately.
Parker: We'll need the missiles, m'lady.
Penny : Good gracious, yes, that's the only way we'll keep the country
safe from Scargill and Mysterons.
Jeff : I'm sending Virgil over with Thunderbird 2. We're going to use
the big fat green pod.
Penny : What's that?
Jeff : Nigel Lawson.
Scene 3: Labour Party H.Q.
Healy : Mighty Leader, Lady Penelope has crushed our strikes and filled
the U.S. bases with warhead-carrying Thunderbird 3's. Our plan
to destroy the terraneans has failed again.
Kinok : Curse you, International Rescue.
Scene Four : The pink Rolls, Driving up to 10 Downing Street
Parker : Why is socialism wrong, m'lady?
Penny : Well, Parker, under socialism, you' have to play with the
rough boys and give them most of your sweeties. Under con-
servatism, you get to keep as many sweeties as you can find,
I get to keep my pink Roller, and you get to keep your job
driving it for a hundred smarties a week. Isn't that nice?
Parker : Yes m'lady.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Party Political Broadcast (labour)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today on Blue Peter, we're going to show you how to make a socialist
utopia with everyday household objects. First of all, you take all the
rich people in the country and a pair of strong scissors or a knife.
Get Mum to help you with this. Put the sticky back plastic over the
rich people's mouths and then throw them away.
Now you take all the land and share it out equally, and get all the
money and, with your scissors, cut that into equal shares as well.
Now here's a socialist utopia I prepared earlier. As you can see, all
the people are happy, there's no unemployment, and everybody has got a
Blue Peter badge. If you're a member of the Labour Party, you've got
a gold Blue Peter badge. And now back to Mark, with film of the Blue
Peter trip to Nicaragua..."
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The Porno Video Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janet and John Do 'IT'. Full behind-the-bike-sheds action, complete with
'Doctors and Nurses', total knickers exposure,
slurpy oral kissing, and a good stern talking-to
from Mr.Plod the policeman.
Emmanuelle in Disneyland. Full cartoon action, featuring mouse/duck/orgy,
handsome prince/Cinderella, Pinocchio/Sylvia
Kristel, Herbie the Volkswagon/Marilyn
Chambers, and topless Mouseketeers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Car Ad
~~~~~~~~~~
The new AUDI Broom-Broom
Features: shiny red paint, windows that go
up and down by themselves, lots
of buttons and knobs, loud engine.
Goes faster than next door's.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sex Aid Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inflatable Cindy Doll
*********************
No orifices at all, just like real girls!
Comb her hair and get it tidy!
Poke her with a stick and she bursts!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Life Assurance Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, you'll be grown up like Mummy and Daddy. You'll have needs:
a nice big house, a shiny new car, a big woofy dog. Maybe you'll be
lucky enough to have a good job, like driving a big, red fire
engine or a fast puff-puff train. Start saving for the future now.
Give us five pounds of your pocket-money every week and on your 21st
birthday, we'll give you half a million jelly beans. Isn't that
nice of us.
--------------------
Sooty and Sweep General Assurance
We care about your money
----------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Drink Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Milky Booze Kid is tough and strong
I dunno how his liver's held out this long
It's strong enough to rot your shoes
The alcohol that's in Milky Booze.
Now available in orange, strawberry and new lemon vermouth flavours ...
MILKY BOOZE!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Estate Agency Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Sale: Des. Res. Door, Window, Chimney, Sun, $60,000
For Sale: Des. Res. Door, Window, Central Heating, $70,000
For Sale: Chimney, Cat, Big Door, Suit Fatty Jones (class 2B), $80,000
For Sale: $125,000. This may seem pricey, but it costs more because
it's next to an airport and you can see the planes taking
off from the back room.
My House, Door, Lots more windows, two chimneys (so there), Mummy and
Daddy, shiny car, sausages, sun. Not for sale even for a million,
trillion, frillion pounds.
(better with pics)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Army Recruitment Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten reasons why you'll like being in the ARMY.
1. No soppy girls
2. You can shoot your gun whenever you like
3. You get a free soldier costume all your own
4. Mummy doesn't shout at you when you get dirty
5. When you shoot people they have to stay dead
6. You don't have lessons, in fact, we prefer it if you've never had
lessons
7. You get lots of chips with every meal
8. You are always the British, and they have to be the Germans (even
if they are Russians)
9. You get to go up in the sky in helicopters and come down without
them
10. You can say all the rude words you want to
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Insurance Company Ad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN
Sometimes, you sick up.
Sometimes, you get measles at Christmas.
Sometimes, your Daddy smacks your bottom.
Sometimes, your sister puts your transformers
in the oven.
And sometimes Mummy and Daddy fall under a puff-puff train
and get smudged along the railway line like strawberry jam.
We know that half a million jelly beans can't replace your
Mummy and Daddy, but they can help to ease the pain.
When your Mummy and Daddy go to see Baby Jesus, we'll be
there with the jelly beans. And we'll take your sister
away, not make you eat parsnips, and let you stay up late
to watch scary movies.
TITCH & QUACKERS
established 1756 - a respectable firm
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Party Political Broadcast (conservative)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene 1: Tracy Island. The living room. The picture of John Tracy flips
down, as he calls in from Thunderbird 5.
John : Father, Britain is sinking fast. Unions, inflation, strikes,
social security scroungers, lesbian teachers, peace camps...
Jeff : That sounds terrible John. I'll call Lady Penelope Thatcher
in London.
Scene 2: Lady Penelope's pink Rolls.
Parker: M'lady, h'it's Mr.Tracy h'on the 'ot line from Tracy Island, D.C.
Penny : What's up, Jeff?
Jeff : We think you should be Prime Minister, Penny.
Penny : Good idea Jeff, I'll see to it immediately.
Parker: We'll need the missiles, m'lady.
Penny : Good gracious, yes, that's the only way we'll keep the country
safe from Scargill and Mysterons.
Jeff : I'm sending Virgil over with Thunderbird 2. We're going to use
the big fat green pod.
Penny : What's that?
Jeff : Nigel Lawson.
Scene 3: Labour Party H.Q.
Healy : Mighty Leader, Lady Penelope has crushed our strikes and filled
the U.S. bases with warhead-carrying Thunderbird 3's. Our plan
to destroy the terraneans has failed again.
Kinok : Curse you, International Rescue.
Scene Four : The pink Rolls, Driving up to 10 Downing Street
Parker : Why is socialism wrong, m'lady?
Penny : Well, Parker, under socialism, you' have to play with the
rough boys and give them most of your sweeties. Under con-
servatism, you get to keep as many sweeties as you can find,
I get to keep my pink Roller, and you get to keep your job
driving it for a hundred smarties a week. Isn't that nice?
Parker : Yes m'lady.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Party Political Broadcast (labour)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today on Blue Peter, we're going to show you how to make a socialist
utopia with everyday household objects. First of all, you take all the
rich people in the country and a pair of strong scissors or a knife.
Get Mum to help you with this. Put the sticky back plastic over the
rich people's mouths and then throw them away.
Now you take all the land and share it out equally, and get all the
money and, with your scissors, cut that into equal shares as well.
Now here's a socialist utopia I prepared earlier. As you can see, all
the people are happy, there's no unemployment, and everybody has got a
Blue Peter badge. If you're a member of the Labour Party, you've got
a gold Blue Peter badge. And now back to Mark, with film of the Blue
Peter trip to Nicaragua..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Porno Video Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janet and John Do 'IT'. Full behind-the-bike-sheds action, complete with
'Doctors and Nurses', total knickers exposure,
slurpy oral kissing, and a good stern talking-to
from Mr.Plod the policeman.
Emmanuelle in Disneyland. Full cartoon action, featuring mouse/duck/orgy,
handsome prince/Cinderella, Pinocchio/Sylvia
Kristel, Herbie the Volkswagon/Marilyn
Chambers, and topless Mouseketeers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Car Ad
~~~~~~~~~~
The new AUDI Broom-Broom
Features: shiny red paint, windows that go
up and down by themselves, lots
of buttons and knobs, loud engine.
Goes faster than next door's.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sex Aid Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inflatable Cindy Doll
*********************
No orifices at all, just like real girls!
Comb her hair and get it tidy!
Poke her with a stick and she bursts!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Life Assurance Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, you'll be grown up like Mummy and Daddy. You'll have needs:
a nice big house, a shiny new car, a big woofy dog. Maybe you'll be
lucky enough to have a good job, like driving a big, red fire
engine or a fast puff-puff train. Start saving for the future now.
Give us five pounds of your pocket-money every week and on your 21st
birthday, we'll give you half a million jelly beans. Isn't that
nice of us.
--------------------
Sooty and Sweep General Assurance
We care about your money
Comment