Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and
seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on
my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled
bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was tulip; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment at what a useless shower
of
bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest
order. BT -- ******* though they are shine like brilliant beacons of
success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice
to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and
seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on
my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled
bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was tulip; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment at what a useless shower
of
bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest
order. BT -- ******* though they are shine like brilliant beacons of
success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice
to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
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