Viz-esque Top Tips !

[Bod]

Ok folks, whip 'em out..... The best might win a prize

here's one to get you started :

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

[Churchill]

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.... If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.

RAPPERS.... Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Royal Mail. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.


And my favourite...

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

[HYpno27]

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view
or
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon
or
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act

[Bod]

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

That's good advice DA !

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

[51st State]

That's good advice DA !

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

[Bod]

Milan, avoid expensive training courses by digging out an old VCR, then simply insert and eject tapes for a few days.

[Ruprect]

Milan, avoid expensive training courses by digging out an old VCR, then simply insert and eject tapes for a few days.

[gingerjedi]

Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

[Lucy]

Can the US funded overthrow of Prince Sihanouk be justified as an application of real politic, discuss.

[Churchill]

Can the US funded overthrow of Prince Sihanouk be justified as an application of real politic, discuss.

No FO!