Ok...from the start, this is not a moan post at a specific company, unlike yesterday's which was a venting of frustration. This is more of a rant at a raft of companies since I've started looking for a new UC.
I am looking for the following :
An Umbrella Company that does PAYE.
I an NOT looking for the following :
1. Weekly newsletters from the UC stating how good they are, how many awards they have won, how competitive their services are, etc etc etc.
2. "Value-added services" which I will never use, but will of course be included in my monthly service fee. Examples as follows
a) a 24/7 Account Manager called Brittany, who rings me every day in a husky voice to see how splendid I am with their service and if I know anyone else who may be interested in "talking to her". Look Brittany, if you are that desperate to chat to people, you should join a sex line.
b) a 24/7 "Independent" Financial Adviser, who can "save you money on mortgages, loans, arms deals and narcotics smuggling". I do not need these services anymore, since my Witness Protection Scheme kicked in, thank you very much.
c) a 24/7 Legal Advice Team, to represent me in HMRC disputes, road rage, psycho neighbours or war crimes. I am IR35 caught. I deal with it. It's no problem, really.
d) a 24/7 deluge of trivial SMS messages that arrive in coitus interruptus, or when I am on the khazi, fixing the sink in the kitchen or hiding away in my private monastery in Tibet, which has no telephone communication and yet they still seem to track me down.
e) 16 page invoices, emailed in PDF form and then sent snail mail on the most exquisite paper imaginable, created from the wood pulp of Mongolian Goji Berry bushes, compacted and organically hand dried with the last dying breaths of seahorses and then gently dusted with the residue from the wings of the Queen Alexandra's Birdwing butterfly. A simple 1 page PDF will do, but if you really must send snail mail, a plain A4 will do.
f) A "Contractors Forum" which makes CUK look positively small in comparison, and features more entries than all the Earths telephone books for "Smith" and "Jones". If I want to mindlessly indulge myself in complete drivel, I have CUK to support me, and if I want to get industry knowledge, CUK does have useful posts too (it ain't all bad!)
g) A 24/7 "emergency" number to call if I have any emergency whatsoever. Whilst I don't want to belittle a potential company's assistance, I really don't think I shall be calling Gary at 2am in the morning when my house is under sustained attack by 3 foot high sex-crazed pygmies who are intent on making my domestic labradoodle called "Fluffy" their new Love God.
Is that too much to ask ?
All I want is simple PAYE, done correctly, efficiently and on time, with a CHAP's payment when needed.
So why oh why oh why do UC's insist on foistering upon non-essential services when all it does is push up my monthly fee.
I think I have just answered my own question.
Anyone know of an Umbrella Company that does PAYE, but doesn't include all the other fripperies mentioned above ?
I am looking for the following :
An Umbrella Company that does PAYE.
I an NOT looking for the following :
1. Weekly newsletters from the UC stating how good they are, how many awards they have won, how competitive their services are, etc etc etc.
2. "Value-added services" which I will never use, but will of course be included in my monthly service fee. Examples as follows
a) a 24/7 Account Manager called Brittany, who rings me every day in a husky voice to see how splendid I am with their service and if I know anyone else who may be interested in "talking to her". Look Brittany, if you are that desperate to chat to people, you should join a sex line.
b) a 24/7 "Independent" Financial Adviser, who can "save you money on mortgages, loans, arms deals and narcotics smuggling". I do not need these services anymore, since my Witness Protection Scheme kicked in, thank you very much.
c) a 24/7 Legal Advice Team, to represent me in HMRC disputes, road rage, psycho neighbours or war crimes. I am IR35 caught. I deal with it. It's no problem, really.
d) a 24/7 deluge of trivial SMS messages that arrive in coitus interruptus, or when I am on the khazi, fixing the sink in the kitchen or hiding away in my private monastery in Tibet, which has no telephone communication and yet they still seem to track me down.
e) 16 page invoices, emailed in PDF form and then sent snail mail on the most exquisite paper imaginable, created from the wood pulp of Mongolian Goji Berry bushes, compacted and organically hand dried with the last dying breaths of seahorses and then gently dusted with the residue from the wings of the Queen Alexandra's Birdwing butterfly. A simple 1 page PDF will do, but if you really must send snail mail, a plain A4 will do.
f) A "Contractors Forum" which makes CUK look positively small in comparison, and features more entries than all the Earths telephone books for "Smith" and "Jones". If I want to mindlessly indulge myself in complete drivel, I have CUK to support me, and if I want to get industry knowledge, CUK does have useful posts too (it ain't all bad!)
g) A 24/7 "emergency" number to call if I have any emergency whatsoever. Whilst I don't want to belittle a potential company's assistance, I really don't think I shall be calling Gary at 2am in the morning when my house is under sustained attack by 3 foot high sex-crazed pygmies who are intent on making my domestic labradoodle called "Fluffy" their new Love God.
Is that too much to ask ?
All I want is simple PAYE, done correctly, efficiently and on time, with a CHAP's payment when needed.
So why oh why oh why do UC's insist on foistering upon non-essential services when all it does is push up my monthly fee.
I think I have just answered my own question.
Anyone know of an Umbrella Company that does PAYE, but doesn't include all the other fripperies mentioned above ?
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