You could hear the hoof beats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into CUK
His badge upon his chest
His name was Guru
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru loved a girlie
A lady known as Luce
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
At number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Guru got his insults there
Three times every week
They called him Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
Coz pasturised is best
She says Guru I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Bulldog Church from Churchington
And he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Guru had to offer
Was a load of cack each day
Poor Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
One lunchtime Church saw Guru's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Guru's cart
And he didnarf kick his horse
Who's name was Moscow (Moscow)
And he pulled the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru rushed out into the street
His keyboard in his hand
He said if you want to roger Lucy
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Guru dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Church went for his bun
But Guru was to quick
Things didn't go the way Church planned
And a manure flavoured cowpat
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Luce she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Guru pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Guru bit the dust
Poor Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Guru was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that dunground in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a dungGurus life is full of fun
In that airy fairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold
And Luce she married Church
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Gurus ghostly keyboard a rattling at a rate
They won't forget Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into CUK
His badge upon his chest
His name was Guru
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru loved a girlie
A lady known as Luce
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
At number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Guru got his insults there
Three times every week
They called him Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
Coz pasturised is best
She says Guru I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Bulldog Church from Churchington
And he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Guru had to offer
Was a load of cack each day
Poor Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
One lunchtime Church saw Guru's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Guru's cart
And he didnarf kick his horse
Who's name was Moscow (Moscow)
And he pulled the fastest DungCart in the west
Now Guru rushed out into the street
His keyboard in his hand
He said if you want to roger Lucy
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Guru dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Church went for his bun
But Guru was to quick
Things didn't go the way Church planned
And a manure flavoured cowpat
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Luce she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Guru pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Guru bit the dust
Poor Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
Guru was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that dunground in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a dungGurus life is full of fun
In that airy fairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold
And Luce she married Church
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Gurus ghostly keyboard a rattling at a rate
They won't forget Guru (Guru)
And he drove the fastest DungCart in the west
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