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A comic whip through the highs, lows, scandals and woes of the political and economic year, starring Dame Brown and Obama the fairy godmother Obama.
By Oliver Pritchett
Last Updated: 9:53PM GMT 20 Dec 2008
The cast of Spenderella: A serious pantomime for serious times The cast:
Spenderella: a former City high-flyer, now fallen on hard times
Baron Hardup; her father, a depressed estate agent
Dame Brown: her stepmother
The Ugly Sisters: Mandy and Georgina (Osborne)
Charmingski: a Russian oligarch
Obama: the fairy godmother
William P Buttons III: Obama’s secret service bodyguard
A Pantomime moose
Front end: Alistair Darling; rear end: Ed Balls
PLUS
Sarah Palin
The Bullingdon Club Chorus
David Miliband
Act One
Scene One
The kitchen of Baron Hardup’s house. A lopsided “For Sale” sign can be seen through the window. Spenderella is alone, talking on her mobile.
Spenders… and then I lost my job at Lehman Brothers and after that my flat was re-possessed, so I’ve had to move back in with Daddy and my grisly stepmother and my two grisly stepsisters in this vermin-infested property in the less desirable end of God-knows-where… Hang on, there’s someone coming. Catch you later. Byeee.
(The door bursts open and Mandy enters, wearing an outrageous ball gown. She goes to the front of the stage and flings her arms wide in triumph.)
Mandy I’m back! I bet you missed me.
Audience OH NO WE DIDN’T.
Mandy Let’s face it, I’m indispensable. (She twirls.) And irresistible.
(Dame Brown and Georgina enter laden with expensive shopping bags, followed by a depressed Baron Hardup.)
Brown We have just been shopping to kick-start the economy, because I believe this is the Right Thing to Do.
Georgina Oh mama, ever since you met that nice Mr John Maynard Keynes you have become quite your old self again. It’s spend, spend, spend as if there is no tomorrow.
Hardup There is no tomorrow.
Brown Nonsense. Because of my excellent housekeeping, we are uniquely placed to withstand this little difficulty, which started in America.
Audience OH NO IT DIDN’T.
Brown (walking to the front of the stage and taking a bag of sweets from her handbag.) Hello, children, I’m going to throw you lots and lots of lovely sweets. (Puts the bag away again.) Well, maybe later. Now, Hardup, what do you think of my new outfit?
Hardup Imposing frontage, full of character, in need of some renovation.
(Brown’s bosom explodes with a loud bang.)
Brown Pardon me, my bust just went boom. Now come along Hardup, I’m off to Washington for a very important summit where I will save the world. Again. This recession is such fun. (They exit.)
Georgina Anyway, Spenderella, Mandy and I are going to a wonderful party on board Charmingski’s yacht. You can’t come ’cos you’re an oik. You’re so not going to his party. He’s an oligarch, you know, and me and Mandy are his best friends. If I drop a little hint I bet he offers to pay for this gorgeous dress — and even more like it.
Mandy You little hussy! Anyway, Charminkski likes me best, because I’m experienced, soignée and très sophistiquée as I went to finishing school in Brussels. You are a mere child. Grow up.
Georgina If you’re not nice, I’ll tell mama all the horrid things you said about her when we had that meal in the taverna in Corfu.
Mandy That’s enough. Pas devant Spenderella. (They exit.)
Act One Scene Two
The kitchen, later. Spenderella is alone, glumly painting her toenails. The door opens slowly and William P Buttons III, a US secret service agent, enters stealthily, holding a pistol. He checks every corner of the room, then creeps up behind Spenderella and sticks the gun in her ribs.
Buttons Put your hands on top of you head, ma’am, and stand in the middle of the room. (He frisks her.)
Spenders (crossly) Hey, take a chill pill, will you? What do you think you’re doing?
Buttons Just doing my job, ma’am. (He spins round suddenly.) What’s that noise?
Spenders: It’s probably a mouse.
(Buttons fires his gun in the direction of the fireplace and there is a ping as the bullet hits a bucket standing there.)
Buttons (sings) There’s a hole in your bucket, dear ma’am, dear ma’am…
Spenders Oh, do shut up.
Buttons (Speaking into his wrist) Hardup kitchen, secured, sir. OK for Fairy Godmother to enter.
(There is a wailing of sirens offstage and Obama, the Fairy Godmother, enters wearing a stars and stripes frock and carrying a wand. The whole audience bursts into tears and Spenderella squeals with delight. Buttons takes up position at the front of the stage to watch for suspicious movements in the audience.)
Spenders Oh… My… God! This is awesome! I never thought I’d live to see the day that my Fairy Godmother would walk in here. (She takes Obama’s photograph with her mobile.) Nice outfit, by the way.
Obama I want to thank all the people and specially you. It is because of you that I stand here today as your Fairy Godmother. What seems to be the problem?
Spenders I’m totally stressed out, because my two ghastly stepsisters are going to a party on the yacht of the gorgeous oligarch Charmingski and I can’t go.
Audience YES YOU CAN.
Spenders OH NO I CAN’T. I’ve got nothing to wear, only this old Valentino dress which I’ve had for literally yonks, about a week, at least. And I can’t buy myself anything new because I’m totally maxed out on all my credit cards, and anyway I haven’t got any wheels because they took back my company car.
Obama Fear not, Spenderella, it’s all about the audacity of hope. Change of outfit, you need, and I, your Fairy Godmother, with the help of the American people, will fix it.
(She waves her wand and Spenderella’s dress is transformed into one by Versace.)
Spenders Wow! Cool!
Obama And this is a defining moment as I now turn these rats and mice into coachmen and cute Shetland ponies and this simple pumpkin into a golden coach…
Spenders Yeeeuw, gross! If you think I’m going to a party with a bunch of rats and mice, you’ve got another think coming. This, I don’t need.
Obama The time has come, not just for rats and mice, but for all rodents — for voles, hamsters, gerbils and even gophers — to lift up their heads and walk with pride as coachmen and Shetland ponies. And I say to the pumpkins of this nation…
Spenders Put a lid on it, godmother. Charmingski wouldn’t want me associating with vermin and that’s that. I need proper transport.
(The door flies open and a Moose gallops into the kitchen. Buttons spins round and aims his pistol at it.)
Moose (putting its hands up) Don’t shoot. I’m an asylum seeker; I’m on the run from Sarah Palin.
Obama There’s your ride, Spenderella. Take the moose to Charmingski’s party.
Spenders Well, it’s something new.
Obama But remember, Spenderella, you must leave the party before the FTSE index falls to 2000.
Spenders Whatever.
(They exit and, as they do so, Dame Brown enters.)
Brown (to the audience) Here I am again children, getting on with the job. I’m going to throw some sweets to you — but not just yet. I need a little boy from the audience to come and help me. Is there a little boy who’d like to come up?
(David Miliband, in shorts, clambers onto the stage and stands shyly beside Dame Brown.)
Brown No, this is no time for a novice. Here’s a banana, now go back and sit down.
A comic whip through the highs, lows, scandals and woes of the political and economic year, starring Dame Brown and Obama the fairy godmother Obama.
By Oliver Pritchett
Last Updated: 9:53PM GMT 20 Dec 2008
The cast of Spenderella: A serious pantomime for serious times The cast:
Spenderella: a former City high-flyer, now fallen on hard times
Baron Hardup; her father, a depressed estate agent
Dame Brown: her stepmother
The Ugly Sisters: Mandy and Georgina (Osborne)
Charmingski: a Russian oligarch
Obama: the fairy godmother
William P Buttons III: Obama’s secret service bodyguard
A Pantomime moose
Front end: Alistair Darling; rear end: Ed Balls
PLUS
Sarah Palin
The Bullingdon Club Chorus
David Miliband
Act One
Scene One
The kitchen of Baron Hardup’s house. A lopsided “For Sale” sign can be seen through the window. Spenderella is alone, talking on her mobile.
Spenders… and then I lost my job at Lehman Brothers and after that my flat was re-possessed, so I’ve had to move back in with Daddy and my grisly stepmother and my two grisly stepsisters in this vermin-infested property in the less desirable end of God-knows-where… Hang on, there’s someone coming. Catch you later. Byeee.
(The door bursts open and Mandy enters, wearing an outrageous ball gown. She goes to the front of the stage and flings her arms wide in triumph.)
Mandy I’m back! I bet you missed me.
Audience OH NO WE DIDN’T.
Mandy Let’s face it, I’m indispensable. (She twirls.) And irresistible.
(Dame Brown and Georgina enter laden with expensive shopping bags, followed by a depressed Baron Hardup.)
Brown We have just been shopping to kick-start the economy, because I believe this is the Right Thing to Do.
Georgina Oh mama, ever since you met that nice Mr John Maynard Keynes you have become quite your old self again. It’s spend, spend, spend as if there is no tomorrow.
Hardup There is no tomorrow.
Brown Nonsense. Because of my excellent housekeeping, we are uniquely placed to withstand this little difficulty, which started in America.
Audience OH NO IT DIDN’T.
Brown (walking to the front of the stage and taking a bag of sweets from her handbag.) Hello, children, I’m going to throw you lots and lots of lovely sweets. (Puts the bag away again.) Well, maybe later. Now, Hardup, what do you think of my new outfit?
Hardup Imposing frontage, full of character, in need of some renovation.
(Brown’s bosom explodes with a loud bang.)
Brown Pardon me, my bust just went boom. Now come along Hardup, I’m off to Washington for a very important summit where I will save the world. Again. This recession is such fun. (They exit.)
Georgina Anyway, Spenderella, Mandy and I are going to a wonderful party on board Charmingski’s yacht. You can’t come ’cos you’re an oik. You’re so not going to his party. He’s an oligarch, you know, and me and Mandy are his best friends. If I drop a little hint I bet he offers to pay for this gorgeous dress — and even more like it.
Mandy You little hussy! Anyway, Charminkski likes me best, because I’m experienced, soignée and très sophistiquée as I went to finishing school in Brussels. You are a mere child. Grow up.
Georgina If you’re not nice, I’ll tell mama all the horrid things you said about her when we had that meal in the taverna in Corfu.
Mandy That’s enough. Pas devant Spenderella. (They exit.)
Act One Scene Two
The kitchen, later. Spenderella is alone, glumly painting her toenails. The door opens slowly and William P Buttons III, a US secret service agent, enters stealthily, holding a pistol. He checks every corner of the room, then creeps up behind Spenderella and sticks the gun in her ribs.
Buttons Put your hands on top of you head, ma’am, and stand in the middle of the room. (He frisks her.)
Spenders (crossly) Hey, take a chill pill, will you? What do you think you’re doing?
Buttons Just doing my job, ma’am. (He spins round suddenly.) What’s that noise?
Spenders: It’s probably a mouse.
(Buttons fires his gun in the direction of the fireplace and there is a ping as the bullet hits a bucket standing there.)
Buttons (sings) There’s a hole in your bucket, dear ma’am, dear ma’am…
Spenders Oh, do shut up.
Buttons (Speaking into his wrist) Hardup kitchen, secured, sir. OK for Fairy Godmother to enter.
(There is a wailing of sirens offstage and Obama, the Fairy Godmother, enters wearing a stars and stripes frock and carrying a wand. The whole audience bursts into tears and Spenderella squeals with delight. Buttons takes up position at the front of the stage to watch for suspicious movements in the audience.)
Spenders Oh… My… God! This is awesome! I never thought I’d live to see the day that my Fairy Godmother would walk in here. (She takes Obama’s photograph with her mobile.) Nice outfit, by the way.
Obama I want to thank all the people and specially you. It is because of you that I stand here today as your Fairy Godmother. What seems to be the problem?
Spenders I’m totally stressed out, because my two ghastly stepsisters are going to a party on the yacht of the gorgeous oligarch Charmingski and I can’t go.
Audience YES YOU CAN.
Spenders OH NO I CAN’T. I’ve got nothing to wear, only this old Valentino dress which I’ve had for literally yonks, about a week, at least. And I can’t buy myself anything new because I’m totally maxed out on all my credit cards, and anyway I haven’t got any wheels because they took back my company car.
Obama Fear not, Spenderella, it’s all about the audacity of hope. Change of outfit, you need, and I, your Fairy Godmother, with the help of the American people, will fix it.
(She waves her wand and Spenderella’s dress is transformed into one by Versace.)
Spenders Wow! Cool!
Obama And this is a defining moment as I now turn these rats and mice into coachmen and cute Shetland ponies and this simple pumpkin into a golden coach…
Spenders Yeeeuw, gross! If you think I’m going to a party with a bunch of rats and mice, you’ve got another think coming. This, I don’t need.
Obama The time has come, not just for rats and mice, but for all rodents — for voles, hamsters, gerbils and even gophers — to lift up their heads and walk with pride as coachmen and Shetland ponies. And I say to the pumpkins of this nation…
Spenders Put a lid on it, godmother. Charmingski wouldn’t want me associating with vermin and that’s that. I need proper transport.
(The door flies open and a Moose gallops into the kitchen. Buttons spins round and aims his pistol at it.)
Moose (putting its hands up) Don’t shoot. I’m an asylum seeker; I’m on the run from Sarah Palin.
Obama There’s your ride, Spenderella. Take the moose to Charmingski’s party.
Spenders Well, it’s something new.
Obama But remember, Spenderella, you must leave the party before the FTSE index falls to 2000.
Spenders Whatever.
(They exit and, as they do so, Dame Brown enters.)
Brown (to the audience) Here I am again children, getting on with the job. I’m going to throw some sweets to you — but not just yet. I need a little boy from the audience to come and help me. Is there a little boy who’d like to come up?
(David Miliband, in shorts, clambers onto the stage and stands shyly beside Dame Brown.)
Brown No, this is no time for a novice. Here’s a banana, now go back and sit down.
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