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Spenderella: A pantomime for serious times

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    Spenderella: A pantomime for serious times

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/re...ous-times.html

    A comic whip through the highs, lows, scandals and woes of the political and economic year, starring Dame Brown and Obama the fairy godmother Obama.

    By Oliver Pritchett
    Last Updated: 9:53PM GMT 20 Dec 2008

    The cast of Spenderella: A serious pantomime for serious times The cast:

    Spenderella: a former City high-flyer, now fallen on hard times

    Baron Hardup; her father, a depressed estate agent

    Dame Brown: her stepmother

    The Ugly Sisters: Mandy and Georgina (Osborne)

    Charmingski: a Russian oligarch

    Obama: the fairy godmother

    William P Buttons III: Obama’s secret service bodyguard

    A Pantomime moose

    Front end: Alistair Darling; rear end: Ed Balls

    PLUS

    Sarah Palin

    The Bullingdon Club Chorus

    David Miliband

    Act One

    Scene One

    The kitchen of Baron Hardup’s house. A lopsided “For Sale” sign can be seen through the window. Spenderella is alone, talking on her mobile.

    Spenders… and then I lost my job at Lehman Brothers and after that my flat was re-possessed, so I’ve had to move back in with Daddy and my grisly stepmother and my two grisly stepsisters in this vermin-infested property in the less desirable end of God-knows-where… Hang on, there’s someone coming. Catch you later. Byeee.

    (The door bursts open and Mandy enters, wearing an outrageous ball gown. She goes to the front of the stage and flings her arms wide in triumph.)

    Mandy I’m back! I bet you missed me.

    Audience OH NO WE DIDN’T.

    Mandy Let’s face it, I’m indispensable. (She twirls.) And irresistible.

    (Dame Brown and Georgina enter laden with expensive shopping bags, followed by a depressed Baron Hardup.)

    Brown We have just been shopping to kick-start the economy, because I believe this is the Right Thing to Do.

    Georgina Oh mama, ever since you met that nice Mr John Maynard Keynes you have become quite your old self again. It’s spend, spend, spend as if there is no tomorrow.

    Hardup There is no tomorrow.

    Brown Nonsense. Because of my excellent housekeeping, we are uniquely placed to withstand this little difficulty, which started in America.

    Audience OH NO IT DIDN’T.

    Brown (walking to the front of the stage and taking a bag of sweets from her handbag.) Hello, children, I’m going to throw you lots and lots of lovely sweets. (Puts the bag away again.) Well, maybe later. Now, Hardup, what do you think of my new outfit?

    Hardup Imposing frontage, full of character, in need of some renovation.

    (Brown’s bosom explodes with a loud bang.)

    Brown Pardon me, my bust just went boom. Now come along Hardup, I’m off to Washington for a very important summit where I will save the world. Again. This recession is such fun. (They exit.)

    Georgina Anyway, Spenderella, Mandy and I are going to a wonderful party on board Charmingski’s yacht. You can’t come ’cos you’re an oik. You’re so not going to his party. He’s an oligarch, you know, and me and Mandy are his best friends. If I drop a little hint I bet he offers to pay for this gorgeous dress — and even more like it.

    Mandy You little hussy! Anyway, Charminkski likes me best, because I’m experienced, soignée and très sophistiquée as I went to finishing school in Brussels. You are a mere child. Grow up.

    Georgina If you’re not nice, I’ll tell mama all the horrid things you said about her when we had that meal in the taverna in Corfu.

    Mandy That’s enough. Pas devant Spenderella. (They exit.)

    Act One Scene Two

    The kitchen, later. Spenderella is alone, glumly painting her toenails. The door opens slowly and William P Buttons III, a US secret service agent, enters stealthily, holding a pistol. He checks every corner of the room, then creeps up behind Spenderella and sticks the gun in her ribs.

    Buttons Put your hands on top of you head, ma’am, and stand in the middle of the room. (He frisks her.)

    Spenders (crossly) Hey, take a chill pill, will you? What do you think you’re doing?

    Buttons Just doing my job, ma’am. (He spins round suddenly.) What’s that noise?

    Spenders: It’s probably a mouse.

    (Buttons fires his gun in the direction of the fireplace and there is a ping as the bullet hits a bucket standing there.)

    Buttons (sings) There’s a hole in your bucket, dear ma’am, dear ma’am…

    Spenders Oh, do shut up.

    Buttons (Speaking into his wrist) Hardup kitchen, secured, sir. OK for Fairy Godmother to enter.

    (There is a wailing of sirens offstage and Obama, the Fairy Godmother, enters wearing a stars and stripes frock and carrying a wand. The whole audience bursts into tears and Spenderella squeals with delight. Buttons takes up position at the front of the stage to watch for suspicious movements in the audience.)

    Spenders Oh… My… God! This is awesome! I never thought I’d live to see the day that my Fairy Godmother would walk in here. (She takes Obama’s photograph with her mobile.) Nice outfit, by the way.

    Obama I want to thank all the people and specially you. It is because of you that I stand here today as your Fairy Godmother. What seems to be the problem?

    Spenders I’m totally stressed out, because my two ghastly stepsisters are going to a party on the yacht of the gorgeous oligarch Charmingski and I can’t go.

    Audience YES YOU CAN.

    Spenders OH NO I CAN’T. I’ve got nothing to wear, only this old Valentino dress which I’ve had for literally yonks, about a week, at least. And I can’t buy myself anything new because I’m totally maxed out on all my credit cards, and anyway I haven’t got any wheels because they took back my company car.

    Obama Fear not, Spenderella, it’s all about the audacity of hope. Change of outfit, you need, and I, your Fairy Godmother, with the help of the American people, will fix it.

    (She waves her wand and Spenderella’s dress is transformed into one by Versace.)

    Spenders Wow! Cool!

    Obama And this is a defining moment as I now turn these rats and mice into coachmen and cute Shetland ponies and this simple pumpkin into a golden coach…

    Spenders Yeeeuw, gross! If you think I’m going to a party with a bunch of rats and mice, you’ve got another think coming. This, I don’t need.

    Obama The time has come, not just for rats and mice, but for all rodents — for voles, hamsters, gerbils and even gophers — to lift up their heads and walk with pride as coachmen and Shetland ponies. And I say to the pumpkins of this nation…

    Spenders Put a lid on it, godmother. Charmingski wouldn’t want me associating with vermin and that’s that. I need proper transport.

    (The door flies open and a Moose gallops into the kitchen. Buttons spins round and aims his pistol at it.)

    Moose (putting its hands up) Don’t shoot. I’m an asylum seeker; I’m on the run from Sarah Palin.

    Obama There’s your ride, Spenderella. Take the moose to Charmingski’s party.

    Spenders Well, it’s something new.

    Obama But remember, Spenderella, you must leave the party before the FTSE index falls to 2000.

    Spenders Whatever.

    (They exit and, as they do so, Dame Brown enters.)

    Brown (to the audience) Here I am again children, getting on with the job. I’m going to throw some sweets to you — but not just yet. I need a little boy from the audience to come and help me. Is there a little boy who’d like to come up?

    (David Miliband, in shorts, clambers onto the stage and stands shyly beside Dame Brown.)

    Brown No, this is no time for a novice. Here’s a banana, now go back and sit down.

    #2
    Act Two Scene One

    The beautiful island of Corfu.Enter Sarah Palin, carrying a rifle.

    Palin Hey, this Corfu place is all right. I wonder, is this one of the states of the US of A that I forgot to campaign in? Or is Corfu the capital of Africa? I wonder of it’s anywhere near the island of Mediterranea?

    (To the the audience): Now, I’m looking for a pesky moose which is on the loose. Does anyone have any noos of a loose moose? Ah, maybe these nice young fellas can help me. They look like typical Corfusians. Simple peasant folk, I guess.

    (Enter the Bullingdon Chorus, dressed in their traditional tailcoat uniform.)

    Bullingdon Chorus (singing, to the tune by Cole Porter)

    We’re the toffs

    And we can’t be beaten,

    Not us toffs

    — except at Eton.

    We’re a bunch chaps who are all good pals of Nat,

    We’re a gang of muckers

    Who will cause a ruckus,

    We’re where it’s at.

    (There then follows the obligatory pantomime ballet in which members of the Bullingdon Club Chorus fling Sarah Palin from one to the other. The routine ends with the chorus firing their 12-bores into the air and an ecstatic Sarah Palin stands with her arms outstretched as a shower of dead pheasants falls on her.)

    Palin You seem like a bunch of sweet boys. I think I’ll join you at this party on Charmingski’s yacht.

    Act Two Scene Two

    Charmingski’s yacht. (Charmingski, looking bored, is surrounded by his fawning guests, including Mandy and Georgina, Dame Brown and Hardup and the Bullingdon Club Chorus and Sarah Palin. There is a clattering of moose hooves offstage and Spenderella arrives on board, looking stunning. Charmingski goes up to her and they start to boogie together.)

    Mandy How did she get here? It’s not fair, he’s paying her far too much attention.

    Georgina Why don’t you go and drip poison in his ear about her? You’re good at that.

    Mandy What’s the matter with you? Your voice has gone all peculiar.

    Georgina (growling) It’s my new deeper voice. People find it sexy.

    Mandy Forget it, dear. It’s not working. I’ve had enough of this; I’m going to march up to Charmingski and insist he dances with me. I’m a fighter not a quitter.

    (She flounces off towards the oligarch, but as she gets close, his goons pick her up and throw her overboard.)

    Brown (whispering to Georgina) Go on, use your charms to persuade him to spend a lot of money and give us all a fiscal boost.

    Hardup Ask him if he’d like to buy my house.

    (There is a sudden terrifying roll of thunder)

    Georgina (very high pitched) Oh there’s going to be a ghastly storm. Sorry, I mean (very deep voice) a ghastly storm.

    Brown Don’t worry, it’s only John Sergeant doing the paso doble. Anyway we are very well placed to survive any storm, which certainly came from America.

    Audience OH NO IT DIDN’T.

    (Mandy appears, clambering back over the side of the boat, dripping wet.)

    Mandy I’m back again! I bet you missed me.

    Bullingdon Chorus RESIGN!

    Charmingski (to Spenderella) What beautiful skin you have, what lovely hair, what a sweet smile. I want to gaze lovingly into your adorable iPhone.

    Spenders (looking at it) Yes, it is rather cute, isn’t it? Oh…My… God, it says the FTSE is heading south very fast. It’s about to bottom out at 2000. I’ve gotta go.

    (She runs to the side of the yacht, dives overboard and swims for the shore. All that is left of her is one Ugg boot lying on the deck.)

    Act Two, Scene three

    A taverna. (Everyone is there, except Charmingski.)

    Mandy Typical! Spenderella has to ruin a perfectly good party with a silly bit of attention-seeking.

    Georgina I never realised there was so much clear blue water between us.

    Brown The party wasn’t half as much fun as the recession, so while we are here we might as well enjoy ourselves. (She walks to the front of the stage.) Now, children, instead of me throwing sweets to you, why don’t you throw all your sweets to me? I believe this is the Right Thing to Do.

    (She is hit by a hail of hard toffees.)

    Buttons (to Hardup) There’s a phone call for you. It’s Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross.

    Hardup (cowering under the bombardment of toffees) Tell them to leave a message.

    (Charmingski enters the taverna. He is carrying aloft Spenderella’s single Ugg boot.)

    Charmingski I am in love. Whoever this boot fits shall be my wife. I will shower her with gold and diamonds and aluminium and she may have as many Premier League football clubs as her heart desires.

    (Mandy and Georgina kick off their shoes and rush towards the oligarch. Sarah Palin raises her rifle and shoots the boot.)

    Palin Aw shucks, I thought it was a raccoon.

    Charmingski (overcome) What a shot! What a woman! I have seen the light and found my true love. Will you consent to be my bride?

    Palin I sure will — and we can have loads of children called Snowmobile, Truck, Bulldozer, Sprig and Eucalyptus.

    Spenders Charming! I’ve been dumped and all I’m left with is one boot. A fine pantomime this has turned out to be.

    Mandy I always thought Charmingski was a bit common. Come on, Georgina, there are plenty more oligarchs in the Aegean. Or maybe Prince Charles is holding another birthday party. (They exit.)

    Brown I’d better go and save the world again. Come on, Hardup.

    (She exits, followed by all the others, leaving Spenderella, Buttons and the Moose behind.)

    Spenders Oh well, Buttons, it’s just you and me. Have you got any money left to spend on your credit cards and, if so, would you like to have an affair?

    Buttons That’s an affirmative ma’am. (They embrace.)

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