Cracking The Human Resources Code.

[HairyArsedBloke]

Stolen from The Ranting Penguin blog.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by
some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the
pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many
questions and get the tulip done.

[PM-Junkie]

"FUN, VIBRANT ENVIRONMENT"
If you're over 30, don't bother.

[Zippy]

"DYNAMIC"
We're all running around like headless chickens and you will be too

[TykeMerc]

All totally valid. Can add this one to the list

"NO BLAME CULTURE"
When things go t1t5 up you will carry the can and be reminded of it every minute of the day for the next 5 years at least.

[Evil Hangover]

Be able to "HIT THE GROUND RUNNING"
You're on you own. We don't know or care about your project

[PM-Junkie]

Be able to "HIT THE GROUND RUNNING"
You're on you own. We don't know or care about your project

....until it misses deadlines we haven't told you about, unless you can find them out for yourself by talking to people we can't be bothered to talk to.

[Shimano105]

"Fun and Funky new media digital agency"
Balding, pony-tailed, retro-70s-specced, poncy types who are all style and no substance. Yah.

[Gonzo]

""FAST PACED DYNAMIC ENVIRONMENT"
We never get anything right the first time.

[eliquant]

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We will lure you into a false sense of security taking note of any non formal behaviour so that we can then use it against you in the future when we want to sack you.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
You will be expected to jump through hoops on demand and there is no training budget for these types of activities.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
If you get something wrong by mis-understanding we will blame you and/or sack you.


"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
The boss is an idiot and he needs to repeat what work you have achieved parrot fashion to his boss because he doesn't quite understand the details of what you have accomplished.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
You are our slave, you will never see your kids, your wife will divorce you, your friends will forget you, you will suffer from entropy and other health issues as you work yourself into a grave for some guy who wants a promotion / large bonus this year.