Going through a divorce

[msubhan]

seems like a common theme, but wife wants a divorce.

We've got one son, she works (fully qualified pharmacist - just chooses to work 12 hours a week) and I offered 62% of assets whereby she keeps the house with a tiny mortgage (16% of the value) plus 1000pm for Child Maintenance.....and she refused.
There's no way I'm paying SM, but what's peoples experience - will I get a worse deal than I offered.
Also I'm currently under an umbrella, but thinking to go LTD, but I would still be willing to pay 1000pm for my sons CM (I'd actually prefer him to live with me, but she's having none of it as she knows she can use him as a cash machine)

[Moscow Mule]

Make her understand that you're a contractor and can structure your affairs so she gets nothing if you so desire. Zip, nada, zero.

Then ask her again if she's happy with the deal you first offered.

[msubhan]

The "problem" I have is the amount of cash and assets outside contracting. I think ditching the umbrella is a start.

[BrilloPad]

seems like a common theme, but wife wants a divorce.

We've got one son, she works (fully qualified pharmacist - just chooses to work 12 hours a week) and I offered 62% of assets whereby she keeps the house with a tiny mortgage (16% of the value) plus 1000pm for Child Maintenance.....and she refused.
There's no way I'm paying SM, but what's peoples experience - will I get a worse deal than I offered.
Also I'm currently under an umbrella, but thinking to go LTD, but I would still be willing to pay 1000pm for my sons CM (I'd actually prefer him to live with me, but she's having none of it as she knows she can use him as a cash machine)

You have not answered the most important question : what access do you have to your son? How old is he?

What do the CSA rate your payments at? Take 15% of your take home : if you have son 2 days per week then multiply by 5/7. Is this more or less than £1000?

You never really know a person until you divorce them......

[RichardCranium]

Sorry, msubhan, slight diversion.

You have not answered the most important question : what access do you have to your son? How old is he?

What do the CSA rate your payments at? Take 15% of your take home : if you have son 2 days per week then multiply by 5/7.

Scourer, ever considered "Divorce guidance for fathers" as a Plan B? I have sat in offices listening to the women discussing "What they could get from the pig" but where can men go for such advice other than the self-serving, make-matters-worse, divorce solicitors?

[BrilloPad]

Scourer, ever considered "Divorce guidance for fathers" as a Plan B? I have sat in offices listening to the women discussing "What they could get from the pig" but where can men go for such advice other than the self-serving, make-matters-worse, divorce solicitors?

Interesting. There is certainly a gap in the market now that f4j are defunct and that fnf are government sponsored.

There are some issues that need to be overcome :-
1. I am not very good at the legal side
2. Dads tend to have almost no money (unlike mums)
3. (Most importantly) most fathers going through divorce go about it all the wrong way. I came to totally despise the f**kwits. Instead of discussing their feelings and planning strategies (as women do) they go down the pub and get drunk. I sometimes think my best skill at f4j was not drinking! And, when you tell them what to do, they often ignore the advice anyway! I expect the OP on this thread will just mouth off, ignore any advice, then go off and sulk.

[RichardCranium]

I came to totally despise the f**kwits. Instead of discussing their feelings and planning strategies (as women do) they go down the pub and get drunk. And, when you tell them what to do, they often ignore the advice anyway! I expect the OP on this thread will just mouth off, ignore any advice, then go off and sulk.

Hmm. Call me hasty, but I get a sense that counselling services may not be your ideal field for money-making endeavours.

However, I suspect what you wrote there was actually more useful that any other advice that may appear. Put another way it might be:

- try to keep communication open with the other half regarding what she thinks she ought to get so you know where her battle line is drawn;
- do the research regarding what the system will screw you for;
- find out from the accountant what different ways there are of arranging your assets & income;
- find out what access to the kids is intended;
- find out what access / custody you are entitled to;
- decide what access / custody you actually want!
- draw up a plan of what needs to be done and when;
- find a support group (that does not meet in a pub);
- stick to the plan.

[msubhan]

He's 4 and access is no problem, I have stated that I would prefer custody, she having none of it. She previous said that he could spend half his time with me, but has since changed her mind to weekend/holidays.
The £1000 pm is 15% of full paye take home. She works and keeps her money, I work pay for everything, continued to build up a business I started before I met her and before I was contracting.
And as a Father my boy is the #1 thing in my life, I've no problem ensuring that my son is brought up in a comfortable home, which is why I've no problem giving her the house. But what I do take offence at is the lazyness of my wife and the fact that she thinks I should support her after we divorce.

[RichardCranium]

But what I do take offence at is the laziness of my wife and the fact that she thinks I should support her after we divorce.

The youngest of my brothers took that attitude some 20 or so years ago. He said "They'll put me in prison before I support that bitch" (she had been sleeping around with anyone and everyone). When the courts ruled he support that bitch, he left the country. A solution, but it does have an impact on access.

(It's hardly any wonder that fathers from other cultures / countries take their kids with them when they leave. And then they get accused of 'abducting' or 'kidnapping' their own kids. Quite what the difference is between that and the courts here ruling the mother gets custody and all the father's income so there's no point him having access, I'm not sure.)

[BrilloPad]

He's 4 and access is no problem, I have stated that I would prefer custody, she having none of it. She previous said that he could spend half his time with me, but has since changed her mind to weekend/holidays.
The £1000 pm is 15% of full paye take home. She works and keeps her money, I work pay for everything, continued to build up a business I started before I met her and before I was contracting.
And as a Father my boy is the #1 thing in my life, I've no problem ensuring that my son is brought up in a comfortable home, which is why I've no problem giving her the house. But what I do take offence at is the lazyness of my wife and the fact that she thinks I should support her after we divorce.

Good reply. Getting back to your original question I suspect you will struggle to get her to accept a "clean break". Of course anything said on here is irrelevant : at the end of the day its the "North Korean" family courts that decide. And if it goes all the way (as these things often do) it costs alot.

Courts might decide that she is a full time mum so 12 hours per week reasonable. They like to believe that men work and women look after kids (how sexist is that?) : the better judges tend to be younger and female!

Which family court is the case listed for? How far through the finances are you (I seem to remember its a 3 part hearing)?

Try to convince her that if it goes all the way less money to go round. And you will fight her over house.

I still think it is worth going for custody. It always is. And the courts believe the money should follow the child.

The youngest of my brothers took that attitude some 20 or so years ago. He said "They'll put me in prison before I support that bitch" (she had been sleeping around with anyone and everyone). When the courts ruled he support that bitch, he left the country. A solution, but it does have an impact on access.

(It's hardly any wonder that fathers from other cultures / countries take their kids with them when they leave. And then they get accused of 'abducting' or 'kidnapping' their own kids. Quite what the difference is between that and the courts here ruling the mother gets custody and all the father's income so there's no point him having access, I'm not sure.)

Its a good solution. Matt O'Connor (leader of f4j) found himself in that position. He asked for custody and got access 80 hours per fortnight. He appealed and cut to 20. Then 10. Then he got offered 2 hours per week supervised contact. I have never been in these places but hear they are like prison! He threatened that unless he got every weekend he would go abroad. Had a stand up shouting match with judge. But his wife knew he meant it and gave in.

Similar story with friend of mine who ex accused him of wife beating. He had no access. He went to her house and said unless he got access he would do what he was accused of! Sit in car outside waiting for police to arrest him. 10 mins later his wife came out and said he could get access.

Sometimes you have to go to very extreme lengths. Its vey scary. The only way I ever got throug it was by thinking of the kids.