First Time Contractors - Whose Arse Do You Need to Kiss On First Day?

**Cliphead** · 27 July 2009, 12:45

Mmmmm, lick the chutney spoon...

**The Lone Gunman** · 27 July 2009, 12:47

There are only 3 people you need to get on with on site if you want to do well and get renewed.

The security guard, the cleaner and the bosses secretary.
Nobody else matters.

**deckster** · 27 July 2009, 12:52

1) Turn up at 9am, leave at 5pm, on the dot. If you're not being paid, you're not there. Tell the PM this, repeatedly.
2) If the work isn't explicitly listed in the job description, you don't do it. Tell the PM this, repeatedly.
3) Never miss a chance to belittle your permie colleagues. Saying loudly 'I wouldn't get out of bed for your salary' is a guaranteed friend-winner.
4) Spend at least half the day browsing Ferarri dealerships online.
5) Never write any documents, never comment your code, and always run it through a code obfuscator before checking it in. Making sure that nobody else can maintain your code is key to being renewed.
6) If you can, try to make sure that you work on at least two projects. That way whenever anyone asks you what you're doing, you can say that you're working on the other project. If you're really good, you can bill twice and still do no work.

**AlfredJPruffock** · 27 July 2009, 12:59

Complain about the poor systems mangement and choice of ill selected software at your new site - and always ' Tut' loudly when asked to do something.

**EternalOptimist** · 27 July 2009, 12:59

There is always an office gossip and he is usually bent as a nine bob note. So I recommend you get as friendly as possible, let him groom you, even get you pissed and bone you.
It worth it for the extension, plus the walk is great for doing John Wayne impressions at parties

**joey122** · 27 July 2009, 12:59

Guys,

Can we keep this serious? I am all up for having a laugh and giggle but this is not the place for it

SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY please!!

**Not So Wise** · 27 July 2009, 13:00

Ass kissing is for permies climbing the corp ladder

Basically just try not to piss off the permies and just deliver within the timescales you give client (if they give them to you make sure doable, if not inform client why not from early on and present them with alternative)

Oh, and occasional you will start a contract and get inherit a project that is FUBAR and always has been from day one. If you see on the paperwork a trail of people/PM's who no longer work for the client, Do not bitch, do not point out to client everything they are doing wrong and try to fix it, it will just mean you get shown the door faster, just quietly put your CV on the market again

Generally every client has at least one of these "kiss of death" projects

**cailin maith** · 27 July 2009, 13:00

My ass - pucker up buttercup

**cailin maith** · 27 July 2009, 13:01

Originally posted by joey122 View Post

Guys,

Can we keep this serious? I am all up for having a laugh and giggle but this is not the place for it

SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY please!!

Joey

this is CUK.... serious doesn't happen in General..... specifically!

First Time Contractors - Whose Arse Do You Need to Kiss On First Day?