I was poisoned last week

[EternalOptimist]

One of our cats has a bowel problem and we have to feed her seperately and lace her cat food with lactulose and some other stuff to make her sh 1 t through the eye of a needle.

Well the missus was up in Scotland from wednesday, visiting relatives, so she left me stupid instructions on how to feed the stupid cat. She called these stupid instructions 'an idiots guide to feeding Brewster'.
Of course nowhere in these stupid instructions did it say anything about not having ten pints before opening the capsules and administering the stuff. Nowhere in these stupid instructions did it mention washing hands afterwards.

Look ladies, if you dont want your husband to spend a whole day sitting on the bog, sh 1 tting for Britain, and blasting himself into a low orbit everytime he tests to see if it is a wet one, please be clearer when writing out your stupid instructions

[Diver]

One of our cats has a bowel problem and we have to feed her seperately and lace her cat food with lactulose and some other stuff to make her sh 1 t through the eye of a needle.

Well the missus was up in Scotland from wednesday, visiting relatives, so she left me stupid instructions on how to feed the stupid cat. She called these stupid instructions 'an idiots guide to feeding Brewster'.
Of course nowhere in these stupid instructions did it say anything about not having ten pints before opening the capsules and administering the stuff. Nowhere in these stupid instructions did it mention washing hands afterwards.

Look ladies, if you dont want your husband to spend a whole day sitting on the bog, sh 1 tting for Britain, and blasting himself into a low orbit everytime he tests to see if it is a wet one, please be clearer when writing out your stupid instructions

[Zippy]

EO you are a wimp

A little bit of kitty laxative and ten pints, and you are dying ...

[Halo Jones]

oh dear giggle fit at the desk

[PorkPie]

Go on then...blame it on the kitty meds, not the 10 pints

[RichardCranium]

Sounds like you had a dirty glass.

[FiveTimes]

Sounds like you had a dirty glass.

and an out of date packet of pork scratchings

[Pogle]

The best bit is that she left you written instructions - that is EXACTLY what I would do with Mr P

[xoggoth]

I was using some rust remover on a bathroom chrome thingy now all the fingers of my right hand are bright leaf green and I can't get it off.

PS Assuming you could annoy the latter enough to stop him being jolly which would win? The Incredible Hulk or the Jolly Green Giant?

PPS Cats ALWAYS have bowel problems. Nature evolved this strategy so they could annoy neighbours.

[RichardCranium]

I was using some rust remover on a bathroom chrome thingy now all the fingers of my right hand are bright leaf green and I can't get it off.

Did you know that just 2gm of copper can give you fatal kidney damage?