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suityou01
19th November 2009, 19:40
My particular favourite at one point was that of bender the robot

"Bite my shiny metal ass"

It works in so many different situations. What are yours? :wink

threaded
19th November 2009, 19:44
"I'd rather stick needles in my eyes."

Especially when agents go on and on and on about some marvellous opportunity, which is neither an opportunity and certainly not marvellous.

conned tractor
19th November 2009, 19:52
You've got more chance of platting shit than....

RichardCranium
19th November 2009, 20:22
I have just abandoned "Get over yourself" to replace it with "Build a bridge".

A favourite is "You have two chances. Fat and slim."

"Is that a considered opinion or one of your own?"

snaw
19th November 2009, 20:34
My mascara is running ...

I'm sweating like a hostage is another goodun, umm

Ed Winchester
19th November 2009, 20:45
Hi,

I'm Ed Winchester.

conned tractor
19th November 2009, 20:47
It would have never happened under the Tories.

EternalOptimist
19th November 2009, 20:49
Well I'll go t' foot of our stairs

BobShawadiwadi
19th November 2009, 21:11
Much quickness, plenty cheapness.

darmstadt
19th November 2009, 21:15
'Bugger me backwards with a broomstick' goes down well, sometimes :moon: Used to use it quite often at a place I worked when the operators didn't make a mistake

DiscoStu
19th November 2009, 21:29
Much quickness, plenty cheapness.

Bob, you really should update your bloggings, I can't wait for the next episode :D

RichardCranium
19th November 2009, 21:53
Bob, you really should update your bloggings, I can't wait for the next episode :D:yay: Great post!

WHS, Bob. We need more Bobness.

MaryPoppins
19th November 2009, 22:04
My most commonly used expression (to express surprise usually) is "s.h.i.t the bed", not sure why.

Zippy
19th November 2009, 22:09
Couldn't find his arse with both hands and a map

moorfield
19th November 2009, 23:23
"You can't polish a turd."




You can lacquer a turd.

Zippy
19th November 2009, 23:47
Two that the Americans just don't get:

"Gordon Bennett!"

"....and Bob's your uncle."

Tsk, tsk. How did they ever become a superpower?

About as much use as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.

HairyArsedBloke
20th November 2009, 00:15
Two that the Americans just don't get:

"Gordon Bennett!"
"....and Bob's your uncle."

Which is odd/funny considering.

EternalOptimist
20th November 2009, 03:24
If at first you dont succeed, try the boot and then the heid


Scot. As in, 'Try your best, but do not neglect the use of extreme physical violence as a serious option in resolving the issue'



:rolleyes:

threaded
20th November 2009, 05:30
....and Bob's your uncle."

Oh yeah, I use

"... and Robert's your mother's brother."

jmo21
20th November 2009, 07:50
P r i c k

usually when talking about permies at current client co.

Moscow Mule
20th November 2009, 08:27
I would rather cut my nuts off with a spoon...

****...<dramatic pause>...that

Aye

DimPrawn
20th November 2009, 09:40
That server is up and down like a bride's nightie.


Suck my big fat hairy ****

EternalOptimist
20th November 2009, 09:42
She has a face like a bag of spanners

EternalOptimist
20th November 2009, 09:44
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your @rsehole


Arabic. Transl - 'May your @rsehole be infested by the fleas from 1000 camels'

Platypus
20th November 2009, 09:53
"Bob's your uncle."

"Robert's your father's brother" as a friend of mine used to say

Toastiness
20th November 2009, 09:53
Mad as a box of frogs

EternalOptimist
20th November 2009, 09:55
May you always buy cheap, and sell dear

Platypus
20th November 2009, 09:55
I haven't laughed so much since Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle

PorkPie
20th November 2009, 09:59
"You can't polish a turd."

Example context:


Bloke 1: "I've worked hard to fix up this old banger, but it still doesn't look that good."
Bloke 2: "Well mate, bottom line is - you can't polish a turd."

:spel pull

ribble
20th November 2009, 10:06
'She's got a face like a bulldog licking pi$$ off a thistle'

RichardCranium
20th November 2009, 10:11
May you always buy cheap, and sell dearOld Jewish gag, based on the same: "Buy sheep. Sell deer."

Churchill
20th November 2009, 10:19
I'd rather have my still beating heart wrenched from its ribcage!

suityou01
20th November 2009, 15:17
My ole man used to say "Kiss my sweet bippy" :confused:

Meaning foxtrot oscar I think. He is a northern whiskey drinking monkey though. :D

Pondlife
20th November 2009, 15:47
"You can't polish a turd."

Example context:


Bloke 1: "I've worked hard to fix up this old banger, but it still doesn't look that good."
Bloke 2: "Well mate, bottom line is - you can't polish a turd."

As someone pointed out to me on Monday

"yes, but you can roll it in glitter" :D

threaded
20th November 2009, 18:02
As someone pointed out to me on Monday

"yes, but you can roll it in glitter" :D

Hmm, actually heard that one in Danish the other day: :rollin:

Du kan ikke polere en lort.

Men, du kan rulle den i glimmer.

wobbegong
20th November 2009, 18:06
I haven't laughed so much since Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle

You miserable sinner . . .

:D

EternalOptimist
20th November 2009, 18:40
I slung her the wobbly warhead

vetran
20th November 2009, 22:29
Thyey Couldn't organise a social occasion in a brewery

(American firm lots of HR)


Thanks thats an interesting idea Bob, so everyone WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO FIX THIS?

norrahe
20th November 2009, 23:08
for pete's sake - where did that come from???

thunderlizard
20th November 2009, 23:18
No 5h1t, Sherlock!

oracleslave
20th November 2009, 23:49
Tighter than a nuns nasty

oracleslave
20th November 2009, 23:50
Colder than a witches tit

norrahe
20th November 2009, 23:51
camper than a row of tents

HairyArsedBloke
21st November 2009, 11:25
Dogs and Cats living together. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3ZOKDmorj0)

Used in SG:U lastnight.

OwlHoot
21st November 2009, 12:52
damp as a well digger's :moon:

EternalOptimist
21st November 2009, 13:04
that's as slack as a brewers f@rt

suityou01
21st November 2009, 13:28
like herding squirrels

example

SY01: Come on you lot get in the car.
SY02: Flaming kids, it's like herding squirrels.

suityou01
21st November 2009, 13:30
Source : Viz

There's a fog on the channel tonight cap'n.

example

SY01: <fx>big juicy f@rt</fx> "There's a fog on the channel tonight cap'n." :D<fx>Flaps duvet</fx>
SY02: <fx>Slap</fx>

Churchill
21st November 2009, 15:25
Dogs and Cats living together. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3ZOKDmorj0)

Used in SG:U lastnight.

Ghostbusters also...


PETER
Or you could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
MAYOR
What do you mean, biblical?
RAY
What he means is Old Testament biblical, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath-of-God-type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming from the sky!
Rivers and seas boiling!
EGON
Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes!
WINSTON
The dead rising from the grave!
PETER
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
MAYOR
Enough! I get the point! What if you're wrong?
PETER
If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail. Peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it! But if I'm right, and we can stop this
thing; Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.
MAYOR smiles. ARCHBISHOP nods.

NoddY
21st November 2009, 16:51
Kiss my sack.

EternalOptimist
21st November 2009, 18:01
suck my stump

suityou01
21st November 2009, 20:20
swelled up like a priest in the choir

SY01: Is Ledley King starting today?
TottenhamFan01: Nah mate, since he played last week his knee has swollen up like a priest in the choir.

threaded
21st November 2009, 20:41
Ah yes,

"It's like herding cats!"

"Why don't you go play hopscotch on the motorway?"

"Is this the Wheel-tappers and Shunter's social club?"

"Well, gag me with a spoon!"

"I've seen some carp code in my time, but this is shoot the biscuit bad!"

"Who wrote this carp? Me? Well I need fscking then!"

"If your mother was a coder she'd kick you in the bollox".

"Ecce, in pictura er puella!"

"Monstra mihi pecuniam!"

"Sum, ergo edo."

"Flamma fumo est proxima."

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Everybody dance now!"

MaryPoppins
21st November 2009, 20:53
Ah yes,


"Everybody dance now!"

C&C music factory, classic.

threaded
21st November 2009, 20:59
"I hope you've some lube, 'cause I've got the results of your code review."

moorfield
21st November 2009, 23:27
No return to boom and bust.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.

It will be a government that seeks to restore trust in politics in this country.

I think most people who have dealt with me, think I'm a pretty straight sort of guy and I am.

The Arctic Monkeys really wake you up in the morning.

DaveB
22nd November 2009, 09:40
"Robert's your father's brother" as a friend of mine used to say

Bob's your aunties live in lover.

Rough as rats. ( She/He's as )

Well bugger me with a brick and watch me bleed profusely.

Bollocks.

NoddY
22nd November 2009, 12:39
Put it in a glass cabinet and throw sugar at it.

HairyArsedBloke
22nd November 2009, 13:29
No return to boom and bust.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.

It will be a government that seeks to restore trust in politics in this country.

I think most people who have dealt with me, think I'm a pretty straight sort of guy and I am.

The Arctic Monkeys really wake you up in the morning.

Getting on with the job

British jobs for British workers

"We're doomed, doomed, doomed"
"Daaaaarrrrrrrrrling" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4MGRBAnYvM)

RichardCranium
22nd November 2009, 13:59
'Bugger me backwards with a broomstick' goes down well, sometimes :moon: Used to use it quite often at a place I worked when the operators didn't make a mistakeMy equivalent is:

"Well, bugger my old boots."

And for deepest sympathy (courtesy of the British Army): "My heart pumps purple piss for you."

DimPrawn
25th November 2009, 15:54
<Clarkson_Voice>

Goes like a stabbed rat!

</Clarkson_Voice>

HairyArsedBloke
25th November 2009, 16:05
Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don't know and I don't care.

threaded
25th November 2009, 16:35
I worked this place. Finest collection of crap coders I've ever met. How that company stayed in business was the MD invented something and then kept a couple hundred staff as pets on the proceeds, until he ran out of money.

Anyways, one of the insults that guys there'd spout and pretty much summed up the place:

"May your testicles turn to cubicles and fester in the corners."

Yeah, meaningless, but great to say at a bunch of drunks and then watch their expressions.

PorkPie
25th November 2009, 16:43
as plain as the balls on a dog

HairyArsedBloke
25th November 2009, 17:31
How about a toast:


Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking.

If you cheat, may you cheat death
If you steal, may you steal a woman's heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother
And if you drink, may you drink with me.

EternalOptimist
25th November 2009, 17:39
How about a toast:

A toast!!

HAB , I Give you THE QUEEN






:rolleyes:

Spacecadet
25th November 2009, 17:58
for pete's sake - where did that come from???

pete as in St Peter?

Bumfluff
25th November 2009, 22:05
Taking a dump.... DBA style

DieScum
25th November 2009, 22:10
"I'd rather staple my eyelids to the floor."

oracleslave
25th November 2009, 22:20
Taking a dump.... DBA style

What is DBA style when taking a dump? Backup, disaster recovery, table dump?

HairyArsedBloke
26th November 2009, 00:11
Benjamin Franklin is often supposed to have said


Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy

But he didn't. However, it works for me.

threaded
26th November 2009, 01:21
Benjamin Franklin is often supposed to have said

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy

But he didn't. However, it works for me.

Erm, actually, the quote is nearly correct, but he was talking about wine. It's from a letter he wrote to a friend.

HTH

:tongue

HairyArsedBloke
26th November 2009, 09:03
Erm, actually, the quote is nearly correct, but he was talking about wine. It's from a letter he wrote to a friend.

HTH

:tongue

What he did say:


We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the marriage in
Cana as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness
of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which
descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of
the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves
us, and loves to see us happy. The miracle in question was only
performed to hasten the operation, under circumstances of present
necessity, which required it.
Sminki Drinki (http://x.rosinstrument.com/cgi-bin/showtext.pl/Literature/american/1700-1799/franklin-paris-247.txt-ps100-pn9?fp=6-1-1-1)

Pogle
26th November 2009, 09:11
I say arsebiscuits a lot.
I also made a little laminated sign on a stick with FFS on it, and gave it to my clientco boss. He now just waves it in the air when he is annoyed at the latest batch of pointless management emails. I borrow it sometimes too.
:D

EternalOptimist
26th November 2009, 09:13
I say arsebiscuits a lot.
I also made a little laminated sign on a stick with FFS on it, and gave it to my clientco boss. He now just waves it in the air when he is annoyed at the latest batch of pointless management emails. I borrow it sometimes too.
:D

I like the FFS stick idea.
I once thought about getting two little round badges, for under the coat lapels, one saying yes, the other saying no.



:rolleyes:

Pogle
26th November 2009, 09:20
I like the FFS stick idea.
I once thought about getting two little round badges, for under the coat lapels, one saying yes, the other saying no.



:rolleyes:

I made some cards for a friend of mine who had problems saying no at work, a red one and a yellow one. He was to hand them over whenever has was asked to do something that he didnt have time to do.
The yellow one was to be used first and it explained nicely how he was too busy, the red one was to be used when the yellow one failed and was a little more blunt!

Dont think they worked, he's still a total people pleasing workaholic.

:ohwell

EternalOptimist
26th November 2009, 09:26
as rare as hens teeth
as rare as rocking horse poo