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Now on ebay - the "Bribo" laptop

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    Now on ebay - the "Bribo" laptop

    linky
    Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

    #2
    Originally posted by Sysman View Post
    Brilliant !

    The seller is brillo211....brillo ? What have you been up to ?
    Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

    C.S. Lewis

    Comment


      #3
      Well chosen name for the product. Entirely appropriate.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by Board Game Geek View Post
        Brilliant !

        The seller is brillo211....brillo ? What have you been up to ?
        For once I can say "nothing to do with me" and actually be honest about it. A rare moment indeed.

        I almost always lie on most cuk posts. But perhaps that was one too?

        Comment


          #5
          Q & A Part 1

          Some of the interesting questions and answers associated with the auction.

          Question & Answer
          Q: Does this laptop come with any particular Labour MP's choice of preloaded hardcore porn? If so, is it okay if I put blu-tack over the webcam? 15-Jan-10
          A: I have asked Harriet to reply to this as I don't understand the nature of the question. She'll get back to you, but if she doesn't you know who she is and where to get hold of her.
          Q: I is an potensial labor suportter. Will this komputer be an good fing 4 me 2 use 4 my learnings of the culturel diferenses in our fine country? innit. 15-Jan-10
          A: We welcome all cultural diversity. We have found that Bribos work equally well for all core voters, regardless of cultural differences. Please go ahead and receive a free one without fear.
          Q: I have a very large family comprising around 100 people. Will you negotiate a bulk discount and also a discount on shipping? 15-Jan-10
          A: Thank you for your question. NO NEGOTIATION NEEDED! You sound like the type of family that will actually get these free of charge, but as it's not our money that we're throwing at the project, we shall consider a further discount in the form of a bigger Bribo nearer to the election. As for a discount on shipping, surely you have a few large-size baby buggies somewhere in your extended family that could be used to collect for our nearest benefits office? Thank you again for your question.
          Q: Dear sirs, can you please advise if the component parts of the Bribo have been ethically sourced from ethically sound green carbon neutral suppliers? 15-Jan-10
          A: Thank you for your question. You must understand that since the recession was officially recognized by our leader during meetings with colleagues immediately after an attempted coup, our desire to become green and fluffy is now merely an aspiration - the only part of that aspiration that is a pledge is the bit about picking your pockets to pay for something, although it certainly won't be for green stuff, probably more likely to be chucked at more Bribos. Nevertheless, you will be reassured to know that a major component of the Bribo laptop IS green. After much thought, we decided that the battery should be rechargeable rather than disposable, for that is the sensible and prudent manner in which to proceed and save the World single-handedly. (A further green credential is that the Bribo does not have a mains lead, so cannot run on dirty fossil-generated electricity.) Thank you again for your question.
          Q: Dear Sir, I have a question regarding the purchase cost of these units to us, sorry, the Government(TM). Will this be in keeping with the recent Military spendings of late? For example, the EuroFighter, F35, the latest 2 aircraft carriers, the state-of-the-art (on top of decrepitly aged) Nimrod subhunters, the practically still unarmed Destroyers etc etc. All of these are immensely over-priced and under-performing compared to other alternatives; so I also look forward to seeing the specifications of these BRIBOs. Is it safe to assume they are below the necessary 256mb RAM to run Windows XP? I don't suppose you can confirm exactly which major Oil and Pharmaceutical corporations which have so effectively swung spending recently (see your previous Swine Flu jab comment) have managed to forcefeed this particular gem of an idea? Yours eternally, Joe Public's Wallet. 15-Jan-10
          A: Dear Joe Public's wallet, thank you for your question. As you 'll note from the listing, we have paid an average price of £1111 per laptop. At the bottom of the listing, you'll see that they can be bought for just £179 from Messrs PC World, (Although we've never heard of them in our closeted Westminster "community". Do they have a branch close by? Do they take expenses?). I hope that you will be reassured by this overspend, especially when taking into account the specifications of the Bribo. They are actually specified as 1GB RAM, but tests yesterday by our MOD colleagues have led us to believe that the 1GB RAM memory chips that we bought from eBay off of a bloke in China with 1 feedback, (for that was the sensible and prudent thing to do), may actually be recycled from old computers and actually have a capacity of 255 mb RAM. This could be why the current batch all remain blank when turned on - we just assumed that this was the norm as we have seen it so often in other IT projects behind which we have swung our weight, particularly the NHS system. As for telling you about those oil and pharmaceutical stakeholders, we're not THAT stupid - certain things must remain opaque due to "commercial confidentiality". I must close now as the one machine that Ed got working for us to reply to other messages with seems to have gone boom and then went bust again and we are being strongly advised by Harriet to evacuate the bunker - ladies first. Thank you again for your question.
          Q: Is it safe? 15-Jan-10
          A: Yes, it is as safe as the parliamentary seats of many of our colleagues, so should last a life-time. Even if it goes wrong or messes everything up, the operating system is configured to deny any problem, allowing the machine to continue without regard for any external input. Thank you.
          Q: BRILLIANT listing. Congratulations. 15-Jan-10
          A: Thank you for your inspiring words. It should be brilliant, we have had a lot of experience with similar items. As we head nearer to the election, please keep an eye out for our upgraded version with a bigger screen - it will be called "Big Bribo". Thank you once again.
          Q: Hi, do you ship to Nigeria please: I am prepared to pay £ 35,000,000 for the machines, money left to me by the late General Wossisnaim's wife. Once I receive them here I will send you the details where the money can be found. Possibly. 14-Jan-10
          A: Dear Sir, thank you for your kind question. Of course we shall accommodate your wishes. In the past, we have not hesitated to waste millions on supplying logistics to despotic regimes with little financial control and there is no reason why we should stop now - for that is the sensible and prudent thing to do. As you may be aware, our overseas aid fund is ring-fenced against future cuts, so we don't really need to ask you for the money - we'll supply the Bribo free of charge! And if you want one for your poor cousin at a non-PayPal-confirmed address in any other country, we'll be happy to send one there to. To make sure that you have adequate infrastructure for your new Bribo, we would be happy to send further financial aid to you. Unfortunately, we are having trouble getting the banks to do what we ask them at the moment, so we need to find a more efficient method. Would it bother you awfully if we used the services of the great "Western Union" company? We've noticed that, in the past, many of our client states have requested that we use them and we have always been impressed by how they managed to make the invoice look as if the baksheesh was actually a financial transaction commission, so there would appear to be no reason to not use them again. Thank you again for your question and we hope that this transaction will be a new beginning for you and your people. Please let us know if we can be of further assistance to you in the future; we may even come and visit one day - you can be assured that we simply love visiting oil rich countries such as yours, even if we don't have enough helicopters to do the visit properly.
          Q: I am concerned that the name of this product is too hard to spell for its intended recipients. Which marketing agency was engaged for the branding of this product? 14-Jan-10
          A: Thank you for your question. As is often the case when we don't wish to be transparent about our murky dealings, the answer to your question is "we are unable to disclose this for reasons of commercial confidentiality". However, in a no-doubt vain attempt to reassure you, please be aware that the agency's stakeholders were all drawn from the very best of what the state education system has to offer. The name itself was conceived by a target-representative focus group whose brief was to come up with a name that truly represented the idea behind this concept without actually using the word that more accurately described it. Alternatives included Briba, (too vague), Bribi, (too foreign), Bribe, (too accurate and to the point) and Bribu, (too childish). Bribo was finally chosen for showing forceful grittiness melded to fluffiness, love of the state and other feel-good factors, and was felt the most able to allow clients to understand what was expected of them after they had received one. After acceptance of the name by the party nomenklatura, it was decided to create a PFI contract for the production of the Bribo as this is always the most sensible and economically prudent manner to spend lots of tax-payers money whilst hiding the debt from casual scrutiny until after the next election.

          Comment


            #6
            Q & A Part 2

            Some of the interesting questions and answers associated with the auction.

            Q: Hi, I am 38, white, straight, male, able bodied, married, non-ginger, a home owner and have over average income having been in continuous employment since I left school which means I have paid thousands in income tax over the years. I therefore assume this would entitle me to a free laptop? 14-Jan-10
            A: Thank you for your question. You seem to be confusing matters here. The fact that you have paid for something, (a "purchase"), does not mean that you may expect to receive that item or service, in the same way that if we promise you something, (an "aspiration"), it does not mean that you're going to get it, (a "scam"). If this were to be the case, then in return for the many (stealth) taxes that you have paid, you could have expected to receive something of equal value in return. But this is often not the case. To someone as middle -class as you obviously are, a poignant example may be stamp duty. When you buy a new house, you pay this tax, but we don't give you anything in return. You don't mention that you have children, but the same example would apply to tax that you pay for our responsive, in-touch education system - even if you are without children, you still pay tax to provide education, another case of getting nothing for something. With just those two examples, you may begin to understand that we are quickly arriving at the answer to your question, and that answer must be "no", as this is the sensible and prudent course to take. (My co-lister, Harriet, has advised that, on the surface, you appear to be too middle class and male to receive a free one anyway.) In addition, having asked a focus group to profile you from your question, the result tells us that you appear to have a strong sense of independence, work-ethic and fairness, all qualities which we don't consider as key pointers towards your being a "genuine stakeholder". That, as well as your middle-class characteristics force us to put you on our "blocked bidders" list - we can't risk any of these machines getting into the hands of the people who actually funded them. Thank you once again for your question. There's an NI and tax rise due soon, so now please go and work longer and harder so that we may squeeze more out of you for our next listing (free hospital parking for Welsh and Scottish eBayers).
            Q: I am concerned about what contents will be contained on the hard-drive from the original recipient of the laptop - I would not want to be incriminated should anything untoward be on there. Is is possible to wipe off all data and therefore any corruption? 13-Jan-10
            A: Thank you for your question. Your fears about the hard drive containing data from previous users is unfounded because we already transferred it to an unencrypted data stick and lost it in the post. We did this because, as we have declared on many, many occasions, we take data security matters very seriously and as in previous cases, we are happy to issue glib statements along the line that no negative impact has been seen due to losing sticks and disks in the post. You may be aware that we have upgraded security anyway - we know send all our databases on individuals by recorded post - for that is the sensible and prudent way to proceed. This is to reassure the public, as any loss is compensated by Royal Mail to the value of up to 100 times the cost of a first class stamp - true value for money. You may also be reassured that any data from the previous user and even from the current user would, in any case, be siphoned off and sent to our modern communications centre in Gloucestershire for analysis, so as your private details are not really private any more, you have nothing to worry about. Only those with things to hide have anything to fear. (Obviously, this can't apply to sensitive matters such as expenses and we have taken steps to ensure that matters such as that are kept very, very well hidden and you won't find them being lost in the post!) Thank you again for your question. if you have further queries, please write them in a Word document and save them on your computer in a folder marked "Private Stuff". We shall ask our Gloucestershire geeks to sniff around in there and we should have an answer to you before too long.
            Q: Herro Our Plime Consultant, T Blair Esq been on phone to say opportunity for our firm to get on list of sub-contract manufacturers. This good advice? We are established Google-free manufacturer in Wan-king Province and ready to deal. Bribo pretty good name but any sponsor name can be printed. Currently working on: "Ainsworth" with just half memory, "Mandelson" with slippery snakeskin cover, "MillibandD" in a fetching yellow colour which self-hides at mention of 'Coup' and of course the "Balls-Cooper" which says its primary position is in the front room in Normanton but cheekily is in a very nice place in London. Can see this being good op for us and naturally we bung Unite a few bob to smooth deliveries. Also do string vest edition with "Benefit Scrounger and proud of it" printed in red with rose. Please contact us at Dromey Industries, Peckham. 13-Jan-10
            A: Thank you for your question. Your prime consultant is indeed correct in his analysis; however, as transparency is not our greatest feature, we're afraid that we cannot give you any further information. Nevertheless, may we say how grateful we are that we could otherwise rely on manufacturers in Wan King province? As our own British industry is further crippled by unavoidable NI rises, lack of incentive to take a job, bureaucracy, red tape and expensive compliance procedures, (etc., etc.), it is heart-warming to know that we can at least rely on a solid manufacturing base in Wan King for our Bribos. British jobs for British workers? How would that make British voters reliant on central government hand-outs and thus increase our core voter pool? Exactly, it wouldn't, it would make the more self-reliant and less willing to pay a load of their hard-earned wages in tax to support our enlightened policies. No, fear not, we shall keep you in mind - at least your business environment is less centralist and micro-managed than ours and you have a currency strength to die for - obviously your government has followed our lead on good fiscal prudence in the past! We also appreciate your ancient wisdom which permits full understanding of the brown envelope system. To assist you in every way, we are soon due to oversee the closure of a dirty steel plant in Redcar, Teeside. Its closure means that there will be many millions of "Carbon Trading Credits" that cannot be used. As a proponent of reducing greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, we suppose that we should simply cancel them and save the World, (again), but as they're worth a good deal of money, and money rates higher than silly old CO2, I think that we'll simply sell them to another dirty industry, preferably in a developing country with a "realistic" attitude to economic growth. If you're interested, please do let me know and we'll do put up a "Buy It Now" (with bidders' identities remaining private, of course). No more space!

            Comment


              #7
              Q & A Part 3

              And a few more...

              Q: Are ginger people allowed to have these? 13-Jan-10
              A: Thank you for your question. I can assure you that we love all Gingers. We love them so much that, without recourse to any democratic pathway or electoral process, we are happy to elevate their wives to the House of Lords and dole out a highly-paid government job as European minister at the drop of a hat if we feel that they are a good "has been in our minds for the job for a long time" alternative to "shock resignation window dressing" and that this will bolster our position and detract journalists from investigating stories of expenses and said resigning ministers. We feel that the real question is "can Gingers stay the course?". The election could still be 5 months away, so we want commitment for more than the period of four months that the last Ginger's wife appointee was in the job for. For that is the sensible and prudent thing to aspire to.
              Q: Is this laptop fully compliant with all equality and hate legislation? If not, is it likely to be stopped and searched in transit and 'disappeared'? 13-Jan-10
              A: Thank you for your question. Yes, this Bribo is fully compliant with ALL legislation and thought processes. We wouldn't let it out of the door if it wasn't - as this is the sensible and prudent policy to implement. It is also "upgrade-ready", so the latest legislation and hectoring nonsense can easily be installed without need for administrator rights (or parliamentary scrutiny). Funnily enough, the lorry carrying the first shipment of Bribos WAS "stopped and searched in transit" somewhere North of the Watford Gap and I can confirm that the whole lot did indeed "disappear", so if you find other Bribos on eBay or down the pub, please be vigilant about their origin. As we usually try to avoid answering the question directly, for further details please refer to the statement that I gave to my honourable friends some moments earlier.
              Q: Will you be doing a "Campbell" special edition (designed by Damien McBride) which will switch off after 45mins? I hope that the DVD tray will be adapted to dispense fags and that benefit forms will be clearly shown in 'Favourites'. Thank you and God Bless Gordon. 13-Jan-10
              A: Dear Gordon, thank you for your question. We are happy to announce that this Bribo is the latest design from the "House of Balls". We are unable to tell you if the design team included any particular person as what we can deny or claim to not know, we cannot be pinned down on - surely that is the sensible and prudent approach? In an attempt to encompass all members of society, we have included as many different programs as Central HQ felt fit. However, if these programs do not meet your (our) needs, we do indeed have an alternative version available that includes an excellent program that nannys and hectors the user by the use of multiple pop-up messages (and "off-messages" if the user is really acting in a manner contrary to our way of thinking). We were due to call this machine the "Harriet", but as it also includes communications software that sexes up your files, and another program that encrypts all output, thereby rendering it capable of interpretation in any manner possible whilst actually meaning nothing, maybe this could, after all, be known by the name that you suggest. Thank you for your input on that one. If you happen to live in Islington or one of the more hosed-down Scottish constituencies, such as Kirkcaldy or Cowdenbeath, or you have access to huge amounts of expenses allowances to spend on fripparies, you may be interested in buying our "bunker" version. It has additional plug and play capabilities such as the ability to charge 20 Nokias at a time, as well as a quick-release mechanism for the time when the user may want to throw them at people. It also boasts an "opacity screen" to ensure that details of goings-on don't leak out. This version was due to be gold-plated but, for some odd reason, the gold ran out and we can't buy any more at the same cheap price. For the "right price", the Bunker version includes elevation to the House of Lords,(albeit this is an aspiration, not a pledge). Thank you for your question, we have run out of space!
              Q: Does it come with anti-virus software as I am still really worried about swine flu. 13-Jan-10
              A: Dear potential voter, you can rest assured. After predictions from our computer health department that many of the computers would die from viruses this year if not treated, we took the very wise precaution of negotiating the purchase of 2 billion anti-virus systems. To make sure that we got the best quality for our vulnerable people, low-income families, MP's and the "wellderly", we paid more than the going rate - because this was the sensible thing to do. All vulnerable computers, (including this Bribo), have now had the treatment and as long as the virus does not re-present itself in a marginally different form in the future, no further treatment should be necessary. As a consequence of our prudent purchasing, we are now left with a huge number of treatments which we don't know what to do with. We are considering selling these anti-virus treatments at cost to those who did not originally qualify, even though they already paid for them through their taxes, (although getting stakeholders to pay twice for something by way of a stealth tax is not a new policy, we've been running it for ages). We hope that this answers your question, but if not, please let us know as we still have a large parliamentary communications allowance to get through over the next few months and every chance to sensibly spend this and make the maximum claim would be appreciated. Thank you again, and we hope that after you have received your Bribo, we may count on you to do the right thing at the ballot box. For that is the sensible thing to do.

              Comment


                #8
                I'm surprised the ebay entry has lasted so long

                Who said Apple systems were expensive?

                13" MacBook Pro costs 200 quid less than a Bribo

                Yes I know I've omitted the cost of broadband, but the point is valid
                Last edited by Sysman; 16 January 2010, 18:25.
                Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Sysman View Post
                  I'm surprised the ebay entry has lasted so long
                  I was surprised to see that it actually had bids unitl I read that it's been converted to a "charitable listing", with "100% of the final sale price will support Haiti Earthquake Appeal - Concern Worldwide".
                  The vegetarian option.

                  Comment

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