Tales to make your blood run cold

[EternalOptimist]

All this talk of Walts in the army, has gotten me thinking.

I havnt done a story in a while.
Now, when I was in the forces we had several species of miscreant, thieves, liars, thugs, con me, and fantasists, etc

some where cross breeds. cross a fantasist with a con man and you get a Walter Mitty. I had a hand in dealing with two Walts, they never Waltered again.
We didnt hate them, we didnt use violence against them. But they were dealt with in a way that will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end.

so turn down the lights, turn off the music. cliphead, put that banjo down, and I will tell you the story.....
......
.......










tomorow, if I remember , because now, I am pissed and going to bed.

[NickFitz]

cross a fantasist with a con man and you get a Walter Mitty

If you read James Thurber's original story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty you'll find that Walter wasn't a con man: he was a henpecked husband who sought escape from the boredom of his life in daydreams, but he never attempted to con anybody.

Anyway, on with the story

[DiscoStu]

All this talk of Walts in the army, has gotten me thinking.

I havnt done a story in a while.
Now, when I was in the forces we had several species of miscreant, thieves, liars, thugs, con me, and fantasists, etc

some where cross breeds. cross a fantasist with a con man and you get a Walter Mitty. I had a hand in dealing with two Walts, they never Waltered again.
We didnt hate them, we didnt use violence against them. But they were dealt with in a way that will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end.

so turn down the lights, turn off the music. cliphead, put that banjo down, and I will tell you the story.....
......
.......










tomorow, if I remember , because now, I am pissed and going to bed.

[cojak]

<settles down on the floor, waits for EO>

[FiveTimes]

drums fingers on desk waiting.......

[norrahe]

So?...............................................

[ratewhore]

If you read James Thurber's original story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty you'll find that Walter wasn't a con man: he was a henpecked husband who sought escape from the boredom of his life in daydreams, but he never attempted to con anybody.

Anyway, on with the story

How many wives did he have?

[Mich the Tester]

If you read James Thurber's original story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty you'll find that Walter wasn't a con man: he was a henpecked husband who sought escape from the boredom of his life in daydreams, but he never attempted to con anybody.

Anyway, on with the story

Oskar Schindler was a fraudster, swindler and a liar, but could anyone hold it against him?

[EternalOptimist]

Way back in 1974, I was a young soldier in basic training. It was the time of troubles in NI, so we were being trained for 'hot', although to be honest, there is probably not a time in the last 300 years when this has not been the case for the British army.
The point is, we were doing it for real.

Now in basic training, they deconstruct you, rebuild you and teach you all the basic skills that you will need in order to keep yourself healthy, fit, fed, in good order and ready to fight. They teach you these skills whether you already have them or not, they teach to to a minimum level, if you exceed the level, great, if you dont - you'r in the sh ite.
They teach you skills that seem silly, now, as a grown up, but believe me , some young lads do not know these things. They never get taught at home.
How to keep your body clean, how to shave, how to clean your mug, your plate, your gobbling rods. How often to clean 'the forks' in your body (ie, armpits and goolies).

Now you have a problem. Because if you start to stink, theres no excuse, after all, you have had the training.

How to iron a shirt, press a suit, straighten a collar, clean a boot properly. Keep your locker clean, keep your bootlaces straight (no twists across the top allowed), keep your bell polished and clean (you do that one twice), how to make your bed, mop the floor, clean a bog, check for dust behind the radiator. In short - how to be sh1t - hot at everything you do. Every little thing.

Now you will notice that we havnt even got to the soldierly stuff yet, weapons and fieldcraft, that comes later in the training, and after this story has ended.

As in all things, some people are quicker on the uptake than others and in a spider (a communal barracks) there is zero privacy, so it quickly becomes clear who is on the ball, and who is struggling.

So, the point of the story. There was one guy , Adge, who was head and shoulders. Always first up, first on parade, first in the cookhouse queue, first at the tea urn, best at ironing. He was streets ahead. And he loved the accolades.
One parade, Sgt Cryer compliments him, 'Well done, good turn out. Not bad for a crap-hat delivery boy'
He could see we looked puzzled
'Hasnt he told you ? he was RTS'd through injury just before passing out into the Logistics corps' (Returned to the station - canned - sent home)

Boy were we impressed. Just before passing out, the guy was almost a TS , and he walked amongst us, he breathed the same air. (Trained soldier) That night we bombared him with questions, whats the gas chamber like, what it like to fire a weapon ?, a machine gun ? a heavy machine gun. What happens if you throw the pin and keep hold of the grenade ? would they really nutsack you ?

He loved it.

When the attention waned he let it slip, I wasnt actually injured you know. I wasnt RTS'd at all.
What do you mean ?
Well, you know, I cant really talk about it. Undercover, you know, hush hush. cant say any more. A couple of the guys burst out laughing and called him a bull tulipter liar. That was his chance to laugh it off, but he didnt.
One guy in particular was in awe of him. Over the next few days we learned through this acolyte that Adge has been in Bomb disposal and had been injured during SAS selection, then army intell had asked him to go through training again for some mission. hush hush , cant say any more.
Now whatever he was, he was no super fit killing machine. I could run the legs off him, and his marching was dire. He gave us some duff info that got us all into trouble on the parade square, (he got his facing orders back to front).
People started to grumble.

Then we found his acolyte bulling his boots and ironing his kit. This was not on, he was not pulling his weight and he was heaping his work onto someone else. Someone who was already struggling and in danger of failing.This was a serious problem.
One of the guys, a Glaswegian, picked up a boot and through it through a window, destroying the bulled toecap. The window was closed.

Adge got up to fight back, threw a punch and missed. He was rubbish, SAS my @rse. four of us dragged him into the urinals and started a cold bath. He wouldnt get undressed so we tore his kit off
shoved him into a foot of icy cold water, covered him with vim (a powdered bleach type cleaning agent) and got the stiff bass broom on him.


When we had taken a good proportion of the skin off him, we promised to let him go to the MRC if he stopped screaming. He did.


We never saw him again


see, the thing about a Walt, the thing they never ever get, ever, is that they are not pulling their weight. They are taking up the space that should be reserved for a good man, a man who pulls his weight.

The sergeant came round and collared me a couple of nights later. He said 'hey you scouse cnt, I wanna word with you'
he was pished as a f@rt.
'remember I told you the only good thing to come out of Liverpool was the fng M62'
'YES SERGEANT'
'Well I was wrong'
'YES SERGEANT'
'Is there something you want to tell me ?'




I kept me gob shut and beat a hasty

[Gibbon]

EO

We did that in basic to some **** who wouldn't wash. Did you see the wardrobe trick? or the landrover one with a spare wheel?