Modem fault prevents me getting coffee

[Mich the Tester]

A historic moment in the annals of technical disfunction this morning. You may already have guessed from my moniker that I make my profits from the investigation and discovery of delinquent articles of technology, and so I often enjoy finding something that doesn't work. Things that work properly are somewhat worrying for a tester who has a mortgage and a Lady who likes smart shoes.

So, here's the story (bear with me, I'm philosophising here); I just went to get a cup of coffee. Clientco has a policy of wasting money by requiring everyone to pay 10 eurocents per cup of coffee, inserting one's bank card with chip into the coffee machine to finance the dispensing of said beverage. Now I can hear you thinking, as I do, that the time wasted on placing the bank card and approving the payment costs more than 10 eurocents in the case of contractors or senior employees, but that's besides the point.

The coffee machine makes contact via a modem to a central admin application which computes the financial figures of the coffee machine. Today, that modem connection has failed, or at least, that is the error message displayed on the payment screen. The coffee machine therefore enters a mode of not serving coffee; obviously, it's a fail/fail system similar to those used in nuclear weapons. A nuclear weapon can only work if and when all functions like codes and targetting systems work. That's a good thing, because accidental release of a nuclear weapon might destroy somewhere nice, like Barcelona or Koblenz (which I recently visited, and can recommend), and not, by accident, Bracknell, Barendrecht or the M4/M25 junction. But when the greatest risk to humanity is the serving of a cup of coffee without the requisite financial revenue of 10 eurocents, it's a bit over the top.

So we have reached a position, after many thousands of years of scientific and technological development, that a man is prevented from getting a cup of coffee by a modem. This is truly an indication of how advanced our civilisation has become. Aliens from outerspace arriving on our planet would surely wonder at our genius.

Can anyone else tell tales of such brilliant technological failures in the field of doing really simple things?

[Platypus]

That's a fantastic story. I wish I had something equally bizarre to amuse the congregation, but I don't

Looking forward to some more tales-of-the-ridiculous though ...

[RichardCranium]

You don't need technology to do that. You need Jobsworths. And it is the Jobsworth mentality that specifies your coffee machine's poor functionality.

My wife has gone to London to attend a university auditors meeting as one of the committee. They have paid for her to go at peak time (rather than have her arrive 30 minutes into the meeting) and even 1st class rail travel so she is all prepared.

She has arrived early and wanted somewhere to sit so went into the Uni library. She was not permitted entry as her student pass expired at the end of last month. She explained she was an MA student and this is one of her final functions as a course rep - specifically the rep for all the Uni's MA students - and has been invited by the head of her school within the uni to attend this meeting, but needs somewhere to sit quietly for a while to do some paperwork.

"You're not coming in here unless you have a valid student pass."

My wife presented the letter of invitation. No joy.

So Mrs RC has gone to a coffee shop and phoned me to have a grizzle.

So there is someone on Uni business, at the invitation of the Uni, wanting to use a Uni desk and chair while waiting to attend a Uni meeting with the most senior Uni staff, at a desk and chair she has been using on and off for the past 15 months, and is not permitted so to do.

Why not?

It's more than someone's job's worth.

[Mich the Tester]

Why not?

It's more than someone's job's worth.

You might be right; Mrs RC's experience reminds me (for some reason) of Dara O Briain's failed visit to York Model Railway Centre, where the receptionist refused to let him leave his bag at reception on the suspicion that he may be an IRA terrorist. The joke's on google TV if you want to hear it; it's quite a funny story.

[Peoplesoft bloke]

Bill Bryson's story about getting the once a week bus to the North of Norway was pretty good. He arrives and says he's booked - officious git demands to see photo ID - he shows passport in the name of William Bryson. Woman says no booking in that name - no seat. Bryson thinks for a minute then asks if they have a booking for a Bill Bryson - yes says the woman. He tries to explain they are one and the same to no avail, so after further thought, he asks if he can have this William Bryson's seat if by some strange coincidence he doesn't turn up.

My tech story is a 15 minute plus wait to pay on the way out of Pizza Hut (not my choice in the first place) because they had to reboot the computer. No chance that they could add up the items we had from the menu and accept my exact cash remittance of course. If it had just been me I'd have handed over the cash and walked out (but if it had just been me, I wouldn't have been in there).

[xoggoth]

Old technology is often adequate or better. I gave up on unreliable radio controlled things to operate the Pikey Scum camera in my shed and settled for a length of bell wire and a relay. A length of string tied to a switch would have been even simpler if a tree wasn't in the way.

Of course it is true that an artist sitting in my shed all day would have been more expensive than a camera.

[SupremeSpod]

The main thing that this thread highlights is peoples over-reliance on technology.

It breaks and you're f**ked.

So Mich, are you still without your coffee or have you a plan "b"?

[Old Greg]

They need to develop a contingency plan as part of their risk management processes.

[Zippy]

They need to develop a contingency plan as part of their risk management processes.

Translation - get a kettle

[Mich the Tester]

The main thing that this thread highlights is peoples over-reliance on technology.

It breaks and you're f**ked.

So Mich, are you still without your coffee or have you a plan "b"?

Plan B has already been in operation; a rather nice Viennese coffee house (yep, the owner's from Vienna) just down the road.

Coincidentally, he had Ultravox on the stereo.

I think however, that I might be up for a Nobel Prize for Physics. Given that the coffee machine is reliant on semiconductors for the serving of coffee, and that's all quantum physicsy type stuff, I think I've found a new variation on Heisenberg's uncertainy principle. Indeed, I may also have discovered a new principle that would astound even Schrödinger, he of the feline in the box. Today a long procession of highly educated people, many with higher degrees in the sciences or technological subjects, have stood in front of the machine and pondered 'will it give me coffee or not?' I shall call this new principle 'Mich's Clientco Coffee Machine'. Not quite as poetic as 'Schrödinger's Cat', but at least as mysterious.