Nah, not that kind of thinking. 
Apparently the guardsmen at the forthcoming royal wedding are under strict orders (the phrase "standing orders" doesn't seem quite appropriate in the circs) to faint, if they must, at attention i.e. fall forwards like a log and land smack on their face. Anyone who "crumples" or, worse still, falls backward is in for a major bollocking, and fatigues probably involving a long row of toilets and a toothbrush.
But clearly someone fainting in the approved manner is likely to break their nose, and most likely a couple of teeth too. So I wondered if a couple of unobtrusive safety features could be incorporated about their person.
Firstly, prevention is better than cure. So given that the chinstrap of their bearskin is almost at mouth level, why not have a water bottle, or lucozade, in their bearskin hat with a skin-coloured tube running down behind the chinstrap where they could discretely sneak a sip every now and then.
Also, it wouldn't be hard to design a miniature airbag which they could wear under the front of their tunic near their neck. It wouldn't need deploying to any great size to protect them from the worst of the impact, and it could be a double action one which would empty after the impact as fast as it filled before. A potential snag would be accidental deployments while the wearer was upright, which would leave them looking like a bullfrog with a suddenly expanded throat!
Any other ideas? Seriously, if I were a guardsman facing four hours of ceremonial marching on a hot day I'd neck about a quart of water beforehand, and wear a plastic incontinence bag down my leg.
Apparently the guardsmen at the forthcoming royal wedding are under strict orders (the phrase "standing orders" doesn't seem quite appropriate in the circs) to faint, if they must, at attention i.e. fall forwards like a log and land smack on their face. Anyone who "crumples" or, worse still, falls backward is in for a major bollocking, and fatigues probably involving a long row of toilets and a toothbrush.
But clearly someone fainting in the approved manner is likely to break their nose, and most likely a couple of teeth too. So I wondered if a couple of unobtrusive safety features could be incorporated about their person.
Firstly, prevention is better than cure. So given that the chinstrap of their bearskin is almost at mouth level, why not have a water bottle, or lucozade, in their bearskin hat with a skin-coloured tube running down behind the chinstrap where they could discretely sneak a sip every now and then.
Also, it wouldn't be hard to design a miniature airbag which they could wear under the front of their tunic near their neck. It wouldn't need deploying to any great size to protect them from the worst of the impact, and it could be a double action one which would empty after the impact as fast as it filled before. A potential snag would be accidental deployments while the wearer was upright, which would leave them looking like a bullfrog with a suddenly expanded throat!
Any other ideas? Seriously, if I were a guardsman facing four hours of ceremonial marching on a hot day I'd neck about a quart of water beforehand, and wear a plastic incontinence bag down my leg.
Comment