Friday Afternoon - Joke Thread

[MarillionFan]

A man was boarding a plane at Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[shaunbhoy]

Teacher says to Little Johnny "Johnny, if there are 3 birds sitting on a fence and I shoot one, how many will be left?"
Johnny thinks about it then replies "None Miss"
The teacher says "How do you arrive at that conclusion?"
Johnny says "Easy Miss. I shoot the first one and the other two fly off as the sound of the gun frightens them"
Teacher says "Well the answer I was looking for was 1, but I like the way you are thinking"

Johnny says "Thank you Miss. Can I ask YOU a question?"
Teacher replies "Certainly"
Johnny says "There are 3 women sitting on the beach eating Ice Creams. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Which one is Married?"
The teacher blushes a little and after a few seconds says "Er... well I suppose it would be the one that is sucking?"
Johnny says "No Miss, it would be the one with the Wedding Ring on, but I like the way you are thinking!"

[Incognito]

<ahem>

An Indian, an Arab, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[Incognito]

Scouse lad goes for a job at sea, the captain says "Have you any experience away at sea?".

"No" the lad says "but I'm honest!"

The Captain takes him on and off they sail, after 3 weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks, when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the scouse lad overboard.

The 1st mate runs to the captain and says, "You know the scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just ****ed off with your mop!"

[Moscow Mule]

The Greek government have suspended all production of taramasalata and hummous. They are desperate to avoid a double dip recession...

[Moscow Mule]

In other news, the Greek government admit their double dip recession has caused a real mezze.

[darmstadt]

A Greek an Italian and a Frenchman are walking down the street in a village and they see a sheep that gets stuck on a fence
The Italian goes first “Oh, You don’t know what I would have done if that sheep was Gina Lollobrigida
“You know what” goes the French “I was thinking the same thing but I was imagining Bridget Bordeaux”
The Greek looks at them as if they were crazy and he replies” Oh, You don’t know what I would have done if it was dark”

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There once was Spartan captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red cape. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get cut. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted several hostile horsemen on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown leather pants."

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There was a Greek, a French and an American. The aeroplane was flying over America, and the American goes "Hey we are flying over America", the Greek and the French go "How can you tell?", the American goes "Because I can see the Statue of Liberty"...

A few hours later the French guy goes "We are flying over France", the American and Greek guy go "How can you tell?", the French guy goes "Because I can see the Eiffel Tower"...

A couple of hours later, the Greek guy goes "We are flying over Greece", the American and French guy go "How can you tell?" and the Greek guy goes "Because my watch is missing!"

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Cut and paste old e-mails, I love it