Police were called to a grizly scene last night after it emerged the superstar athletes’ missus, Reeva Steenkamp, had literally been cutting off his best assets to sell on the illegal international meat trade.
It is believed in Chinese medicine that eating parts of [dead] athletes improves your own sporting vigour and can cure anything from colds to cancer. However scientific evidence has shown this is complete nonsense and only increases your chance of catching* nasty diseases. Due to a large number of retirements since the Olympics last year there are now only believed to be around 600 athletes left and the price of athlete meat has risen sharply, making it more expensive by weight than diamonds . “Somehow” parts of Pretorius DNA ended up in the food chain in Europe despite being only intended for China.
It is believed police had been called to the house previously when he had accused the missus of cutting off parts his legs whilst he was asleep. However Miss Steenkamp blamed it on a “passing lioness which had escaped from a nearby game park”, and she claimed to have shooed away. On a second occasion she said she’d seen “a dark figure jumping over the wall” when he awoke in agony and found her sitting on the end of the bed holding a serrated carving knife. However, neither of these incidents was ever corroborated by CCTV, eye witnesses or local game parks.
It is now suspected Pistorius found out the truth whilst pretending to be asleep and planned a revenge attack to teach her a lesson. From his phone SMS records Police found out he obtained a buyer for human brains in the Philippines where eating your enemies is more common than popping to a burger joint. He had bought two plane tickets to the Philippines in their names and had a fake passport in Miss Steenkamp's name featuring the photo of another female. The woman in the photo is yet to be identified, but there are rumours he had been visiting local working girls, but only ever chatted and asked if they’d ever been to the far east. It is presumed he was going to say he lost Miss Steenkamp in the jungle to explain her disappearance. Unfortunately neighbours heard the row about how much money she had made by selling parts of his remaining legs (circa US$3m) and called the police before he was able to remove the brains [from the walls]. Other than that it was a really good plan.
The forensics team are now onsite to make sure that there is no horsemeat in the freezer and prove whether Daz does remove all stains.
It is believed in Chinese medicine that eating parts of [dead] athletes improves your own sporting vigour and can cure anything from colds to cancer. However scientific evidence has shown this is complete nonsense and only increases your chance of catching* nasty diseases. Due to a large number of retirements since the Olympics last year there are now only believed to be around 600 athletes left and the price of athlete meat has risen sharply, making it more expensive by weight than diamonds . “Somehow” parts of Pretorius DNA ended up in the food chain in Europe despite being only intended for China.
It is believed police had been called to the house previously when he had accused the missus of cutting off parts his legs whilst he was asleep. However Miss Steenkamp blamed it on a “passing lioness which had escaped from a nearby game park”, and she claimed to have shooed away. On a second occasion she said she’d seen “a dark figure jumping over the wall” when he awoke in agony and found her sitting on the end of the bed holding a serrated carving knife. However, neither of these incidents was ever corroborated by CCTV, eye witnesses or local game parks.
It is now suspected Pistorius found out the truth whilst pretending to be asleep and planned a revenge attack to teach her a lesson. From his phone SMS records Police found out he obtained a buyer for human brains in the Philippines where eating your enemies is more common than popping to a burger joint. He had bought two plane tickets to the Philippines in their names and had a fake passport in Miss Steenkamp's name featuring the photo of another female. The woman in the photo is yet to be identified, but there are rumours he had been visiting local working girls, but only ever chatted and asked if they’d ever been to the far east. It is presumed he was going to say he lost Miss Steenkamp in the jungle to explain her disappearance. Unfortunately neighbours heard the row about how much money she had made by selling parts of his remaining legs (circa US$3m) and called the police before he was able to remove the brains [from the walls]. Other than that it was a really good plan.
The forensics team are now onsite to make sure that there is no horsemeat in the freezer and prove whether Daz does remove all stains.
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