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Cliphead
25th April 2013, 19:24
Can't remember if I or anybody else asked this before.

I don't have any, no paternity leave, no grief. I certainly don't feel like I missed out although I did bring up my ex partner's boy and we're all still good friends (I setup the boy with his own recording studio biz which is doing well).

It was my choice not to have any and probably got lucky when I was younger so no wee accidents. I'm guessing those of you who do have a family wouldn't turn the clock back and choose not to have any, or am I wrong in that assumption?

Spacecadet
25th April 2013, 19:32
I would turn the clock back

Only so I could start having kids earlier than I did!

MarillionFan
25th April 2013, 19:32
Jaffa.

MaryPoppins
25th April 2013, 20:07
Can't remember if I or anybody else asked this before.

I don't have any, no paternity leave, no grief. I certainly don't feel like I missed out although I did bring up my ex partner's boy and we're all still good friends (I setup the boy with his own recording studio biz which is doing well).

It was my choice not to have any and probably got lucky when I was younger so no wee accidents. I'm guessing those of you who do have a family wouldn't turn the clock back and choose not to have any, or am I wrong in that assumption?

Difficult to explain why that's a strange question to try to answer.

I dislike people with kids wanging on to non kid people about how great it is to have kids.

Also find it slightly odd when childless people wang on and justify why they don't have kids.

Bit like anything - if you haven't got kids, you can't know how it is. You dunno what you're missing, which is not a bad thing in many ways. If you did, you might regret your decision.

Lockhouse
25th April 2013, 20:13
I don't have any biological kids but have acquired a wonderful daughter and two brilliant step kids along the way. As someone who was never drawn to children in the biological sense, things have worked out perfectly.

mudskipper
25th April 2013, 20:20
Can't remember if I or anybody else asked this before.



You did indeed.

There was lots of :ladybags:

http://forums.contractoruk.com/general/84851-who-here-doesnt-have-children.html

MarillionFan
25th April 2013, 20:22
You did indeed.

There was lots of :ladybags:

http://forums.contractoruk.com/general/84851-who-here-doesnt-have-children.html

He's in denial.

northernladuk
25th April 2013, 20:23
Difficult to explain why that's a strange question to try to answer.

I dislike people with kids wanging on to non kid people about how great it is to have kids.

Also find it slightly odd when childless people wang on and justify why they don't have kids.

Bit like anything - if you haven't got kids, you can't know how it is. You dunno what you're missing, which is not a bad thing in many ways. If you did, you might regret your decision.

I agree with your first point.. must admit I haven't met many people in your second point but there is another set I cannot stand. Those that need to analyse why I don't have kids.. in great detail. They can't understand why I haven't so try and make up excuses for me while asking loads of questions. Very uncomfortable and annoying. I just haven't would enough of an answer for most, but not this set..'Do you not want them 'do you regret it' blah blah..

mudskipper
25th April 2013, 20:24
He's in denial.

Egypt? Watch out for crocodiles.

Lockhouse
25th April 2013, 20:27
You did indeed.

There was lots of :ladybags:

http://forums.contractoruk.com/general/84851-who-here-doesnt-have-children.html

Yeah I remember now. I'm not as good a father as someone who has biological kids. I must try harder.

wurzel
25th April 2013, 20:28
I don't & I have to confess I find the subject a bit awkward as people raise the subject of my not having kids so readily - even people I don't know that well. I've even met a few who think not having kids is a selfish thing - probably a grain of truth there but I don't really need to be told it...

MaryPoppins
25th April 2013, 20:30
I agree with your first point.. must admit I haven't met many people in your second point but there is another set I cannot stand. Those that need to analyse why I don't have kids.. in great detail. They can't understand why I haven't so try and make up excuses for me while asking loads of questions. Very uncomfortable and annoying. I just haven't would enough of an answer for most, but not this set..'Do you not want them 'do you regret it' blah blah..

Very rude, isn't it.

I find it very strange what people think they can say, particularly smug parents.

Bloke at work asked whether I'd be out getting drunk tonight, for my birthday. I said no, as obvs have my son at home. This bloke already knows from previous awkward conversations that I'm a single parent, but asked me again today if 'dad' is around to 'at least give you a night off'. I said no, with a smile that I hoped would close that conversation off. Alas no; he asked why not. I don't know why people think they can be so fcking nosy.

[rant over]

Cliphead
25th April 2013, 20:34
You did indeed.

There was lots of :ladybags:

http://forums.contractoruk.com/general/84851-who-here-doesnt-have-children.html

Oops, alzheimer's is a bitch.

jmo21
25th April 2013, 21:17
I agree with your first point.. must admit I haven't met many people in your second point but there is another set I cannot stand. Those that need to analyse why I don't have kids.. in great detail. They can't understand why I haven't so try and make up excuses for me while asking loads of questions. Very uncomfortable and annoying. I just haven't would enough of an answer for most, but not this set..'Do you not want them 'do you regret it' blah blah..

I have another, people that ask 'when are you two getting married?'

Fook off!!

northernladuk
25th April 2013, 21:25
I have another, people that ask 'when are you two getting married?'

Fook off!!

Very good point!! We have that as well.

KentPhilip
25th April 2013, 21:27
I dislike people with kids wanging on to non kid people about how great it is to have kids.



Kids usually come along when people are not doing enough wanging..

MarillionFan
25th April 2013, 21:39
Very rude, isn't it.

I find it very strange what people think they can say, particularly smug parents.

Bloke at work asked whether I'd be out getting drunk tonight, for my birthday. I said no, as obvs have my son at home. This bloke already knows from previous awkward conversations that I'm a single parent, but asked me again today if 'dad' is around to 'at least give you a night off'. I said no, with a smile that I hoped would close that conversation off. Alas no; he asked why not. I don't know why people think they can be so fcking nosy.

[rant over]

He was actually enquiring if you had been 'getting a lot' and were you presently 'getting any' and did you fancy 'getting a litte'.

You've been out of the game for a while, you need to recognise the signs.

EternalOptimist
25th April 2013, 22:50
There is a special joy in having kids, no doubt about it.

But the fact that CH asks this again means that he is feeling a sad gap where his 'would be kids' should be.
So in the spirit of friendship, Anglo-Scots relations and fair play, I am willing, if he fills the adoption paperwork in, to let him have a few of my little bastids




:rolleyes:

KentPhilip
25th April 2013, 23:50
I am willing, if he fills the adoption paperwork in, to let him have a few of my little bastids



Do they come with the £3.4K bank accounts you've just credited them with?

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 07:14
I have kids and I had them late as I didn't want to have kids initially. We actually thought my wife wasn't able to have kids, but them Me and he Mrs went off to work in Aus on a contract, and she fell pregnant, pretty much, as soon as we got there. Doctors reckon it was a release of stress that did it. Now the only part that saddens me, is that I will be 63 when my youngest starts (hopefully) uni. It's one of those strange inner questions: like Spacecadet, I sometimes wish I had kids sooner, but then I start thinking about the life I had before them, which was really good, and led me to the stage where I had kids, one of them sliding door questions you find yourself asking: what would have happened if I had kids aged 25?

All I know, is that through kids, you find you have in you, a kind of love that you couldn't properly explain. Sounds daft, but that's about it for me.

Halo Jones
26th April 2013, 07:59
I don’t have kids, never really planned for it, as the 2nd eldest of 7 I raised 3 in my teenage years without the “joy of it being your own” this probably affected my attitude.

Then I decided I wanted a career & material things.

Now with BBG’s MS & my MDS I am actually glad there are no kiddies.

What annoys me the most is people assume that the only reason I have not had kids must be because I can’t!! This annoys the hell out of me, I am more than a baby producing machine :mad

sasguru
26th April 2013, 08:00
This annoys the hell out of me, I am more than a baby producing machine :mad

That's right luv, now put the kettle on, there's a dear.

formant
26th April 2013, 08:03
Having spent most of my life thinking I'm just not the maternal type and thinking I'd never consider kids - well here I am with my 5 week-old, still super excited about it all, and ridiculously happy.

If my life had turned out any differently than it did, I'd have been fine with remaining childless. Yes, it's a great experience, but it's one that I didn't 'need'. In the sense that I think people should have kids because they want them, not because they feel they need to have them (to fill some void) or feel that it's just what you do. I wouldn't want to convince anyone to try it. Having kids isn't something you 'try out'. It's a massive commitment, so you better decide to go for it with some conviction of your own.

So in my case, I got involved with my other half who brought two kids into the relationship, having been their main caregiver all their life. Knowing that he's an involved father, knowing that having a kid with him means I wouldn't be on my own in this, would have all childrelated responsibilites split equally, would be able to continue working - yeah, that's what changed my mind. I'm still not the 'mummy-type', don't think I ever will be.

In any other circumstances, I never would have considered a child.

Either way, I'm definitely not doing this whole pregnancy and birth thing ever again. :tongue

rhubarb
26th April 2013, 08:06
All I know, is that through kids, you find you have in you, a kind of love that you couldn't properly explain. Sounds daft, but that's about it for me.

Exactly that.

EternalOptimist
26th April 2013, 08:12
I am more than a baby producing machine :mad

couldn't disagree more.
I had my first kid when I was 20, and it has been one of life-goals to churn out as many more as I could. It's tiring, I agree, and costly, and childbirth is painful(to watch) but thats a price I am willing to pay.
I stuck up for my kids and I always will.



:rolleyes:

Mich the Tester
26th April 2013, 08:14
Can't remember if I or anybody else asked this before.

I don't have any, no paternity leave, no grief. I certainly don't feel like I missed out although I did bring up my ex partner's boy and we're all still good friends (I setup the boy with his own recording studio biz which is doing well).

It was my choice not to have any and probably got lucky when I was younger so no wee accidents. I'm guessing those of you who do have a family wouldn't turn the clock back and choose not to have any, or am I wrong in that assumption?

:wave:

istvan
26th April 2013, 08:27
Although according to the title I should not post on this thread, I chime in anyway.

I have two girls. I would not go back and change it. I have a friend, he is married and they decided not to have children. I respect that. It is a choice everyone has to make for themselves. It is entirely their personal choice. I live my life and they live theirs.

I never though much about having or note having any or how many. My wife decided when and ..., I was just kinda participating ... no regrets... :)

MyUserName
26th April 2013, 08:30
I have two children, one is 4 and the other 19 months.

They have drastically changed my life:

I used to sword train 3 times a week, do exercise at least once a day (apart from Saturday). We played board/RPG games once a week or so and went to about a dozen different re-enactment and SCA events per year. I also went to several weekend LARPing events a year too.

Now I play board game or RPGs maybe once every couple of months. I sword train with my group once a fortnight although I do solo training most days. I exercise when I get the chance but I have to skip days if the kids stop me getting sleep. We went to 2 shows last year and are planning 3 this year but I will not be able to fight at one as it will be my wife's turn. I have been to 2 weekend LARPing events since my oldest was born.

However, I do not mind. I love having children. I love putting effort into them and seeing how they grow and change. I love the way that my daughter thinks I am a knight and can rescue her from anything. I love the way my son can make himself understood by saying variations of doo-dah. I cannot wait to share things with and see where their passions take them.

I had no need for children, until my wife wanted them I had no interest and never have had but now I have them I think they are awesome.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 08:35
I have two children, one is 4 and the other 19 months.

They have drastically changed my life:

I used to sword train 3 times a week, do exercise at least once a day (apart from Saturday). We played board/RPG games once a week or so and went to about a dozen different re-enactment and SCA events per year. I also went to several weekend LARPing events a year too.

Now I play board game or RPGs maybe once every couple of months. I sword train with my group once a fortnight although I do solo training most days. I exercise when I get the chance but I have to skip days if the kids stop me getting sleep. We went to 2 shows last year and are planning 3 this year but I will not be able to fight at one as it will be my wife's turn. I have been to 2 weekend LARPing events since my oldest was born.

However, I do not mind. I love having children. I love putting effort into them and seeing how they grow and change. I love the way that my daughter thinks I am a knight and can rescue her from anything. I love the way my son can make himself understood by saying variations of doo-dah. I cannot wait to share things with and see where their passions take them.

I had no need for children, until my wife wanted them I had no interest and never have had but now I have them I think they are awesome.

I think this is the point I was trying to make in the previous thread, in which I got too derailed arguing, and was possibly out of line. Until you actually have kids, you can't really understand the change that happens in you. I really, really didn't want kids and met a woman whom, we both understood, couldn't have them, and then she fell pregnant, and the rest, as they say is history.

I've been away this week, and drove like a lunatic on the chance I could make it home before bedtime. Getting home, i peered into the bathroom and all 3 girls were brushing their teeth and messing around. A normal everyday scene in most households, but one that can genuinely bring a tear of happiness. It's a strange feeling, which I cannot explain, but you just can't explain that kind of love.

d000hg
26th April 2013, 08:48
I think I'm one of the few people here in a traditional marriage who does not have and does not want kids?

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 08:49
I think I'm one of the few people here in a traditional marriage who does not have and does not want kids?

I was one of those people...

Ticktock
26th April 2013, 08:53
What annoys me the most is people assume that the only reason I have not had kids must be because I can’t!! This annoys the hell out of me, I am more than a baby producing machine :mad

What annoys me most is people assuming that my wife and I don't have kids through choice. Or when I tell them we can't coming back with assurances that we can, that things will just "work out" or take time. We wanted kids, but we can't. End of.

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 08:58
I've had kids, and now I am on a register for life

eek
26th April 2013, 09:00
I think I'm one of the few people here in a traditional marriage who does not have and does not want kids?

Doesn't your wife teach? I remember a question regarding names of teacher's children a few years back where after teaching for a few years many names had just been removed from the list due to bad memories.

Pogle
26th April 2013, 09:25
I was one of those people...

Me too, married 10 years before deciding to have a child.
Shes now almost 13 and an utter nightmare!! But we still made the right decision :o

formant
26th April 2013, 09:50
I still largely disagree with Old Hack. I mean, of course I love my child unconditionally, but she's not the first person I've loved like this. She's just the first person who additionally completely depends on me (and her father), being all tiny and needy at this stage.

I think what's more amazing to me is the feeling that some tiny creature appears to be trusting me with every fibre of her being. I mean my stepdaughters love me, I can tell that - they say it, they show it-, but they'll never love me the way they love their parents (yeh, even their emotionally abusive biological mother). I have to earn their love - as biological parents you get that unquestioningly.

To be honest, I think as a parent it's still easier to 'opt out' of the unconditional love thing than it is as a child. Explains why there are so many abused and neglected children forever chasing the love of their tulipy parents. :-/

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 09:55
I still largely disagree with Old Hack. I mean, of course I love my child unconditionally, but she's not the first person I've loved like this. She's just the first person who additionally completely depends on me (and her father), being all tiny and needy at this stage.

I think what's more amazing to me is the feeling that some tiny creature appears to be trusting me with every fibre of her being. I mean my stepdaughters love me, I can tell that - they say it, they show it-, but they'll never love me the way they love their parents (yeh, even their emotionally abusive biological mother). I have to earn their love - as biological parents you get that unquestioningly.

To be honest, I think as a parent it's still easier to 'opt out' of the unconditional love thing than it is as a child. Explains why there are so many abused and neglected children forever chasing the love of their tulipy parents. :-/

I can see it's changing though, and it will continue to. Close your eyes and think who would be the first you'd think of pulling out of a sinking car. I know what my answer would be.

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 09:55
I still largely disagree with Old Hack. I mean, of course I love my child unconditionally, but she's not the first person I've loved like this. She's just the first person who additionally completely depends on me (and her father), being all tiny and needy at this stage.

I think what's more amazing to me is the feeling that some tiny creature appears to be trusting me with every fibre of her being. I mean my stepdaughters love me, I can tell that - they say it, they show it-, but they'll never love me the way they love their parents (yeh, even their emotionally abusive biological mother). I have to earn their love - as biological parents you get that unquestioningly.

To be honest, I think as a parent it's still easier to 'opt out' of the unconditional love thing than it is as a child. Explains why there are so many abused and neglected children forever chasing the love of their tulipy parents. :-/

I kinda understand what you feel, my eldest two are not mine by birth and I had a closer bond with them than when my son was born, knowing that they love you not because they know no better, but because they choose to see you as their parent even if you are not. Over time the bond with my biological son has grown and now I don't seen any difference in how I feel for each of them.

formant
26th April 2013, 10:06
I can see it's changing though, and it will continue to. Close your eyes and think who would be the first you'd think of pulling out of a sinking car. I know what my answer would be.

What do you do with that metaphor if you have more than one biological child? Who's first then?

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 10:08
I can see it's changing though, and it will continue to. Close your eyes and think who would be the first you'd think of pulling out of a sinking car. I know what my answer would be.

My iPhone <3

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 10:11
What do you do with that metaphor if you have more than one biological child? Who's first then?

You tell me your answer first please.

formant
26th April 2013, 10:23
You tell me your answer first please.

My point was, that I'd save the one that can't swim first or the most vulnerable. Just like parents of more than one biological child. Yeah, in my situation that happens to be my biological child, because she's 4.5 years younger than my youngest stepdaughter.

If my kid was a teenager and I'd have since entered into a new relationship with someone who brought in a toddler, I'd save the the toddler first.

I get what you're trying to say. I just don't think your metaphor works as well as you want it to work.

Let's put it into a different context - because as I said, I 'largely disagree', not entirely.
I have two stepdaughters and a biological daughter. I have a rather wealthy mother (my father is already dead) and I will be her sole heir. In my own will I intend to make sure that the vast majority of my mother's wealth is passed on to my daughter only, as my daughter only has me and my partner - my stepdaughters still have their biological mother to inherit from (albeit not that much).
Should their mother disown them however and completely disappear out of their life, I would ensure they inherit equally from me too (rather than just from their father). And I'd actually work hard to be the replacement parent, rather than just an additional parental figure.

I think the step-parental experience is very different, probably more intense when the kids no longer have any contact to the biological parent you're replacing.

MyUserName
26th April 2013, 10:24
I spotted 6 guys following me once when I was pushing my daughter home in a buggy. When I made eye contact with them I read in their body language that they were intending to jump me. The only thing I thought was that I did not know what they might do with my 2 year old daughter. I stood there staring at them and I knew that the moment they came close enough I was going to start eye gouging, biting, stamping etc until I eventually went down (I can fight but I doubt I can fight 6 people at once) - as long as I was capable of moving I would keep fighting. There was no conscious thought at all, defending my daughter to death was automatic.

I would do the same for my son ... I am not sure what I would do if I had to chose between the two of them.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 10:35
What annoys me most is people assuming that my wife and I don't have kids through choice. Or when I tell them we can't coming back with assurances that we can, that things will just "work out" or take time. We wanted kids, but we can't. End of.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 10:36
I spotted 6 guys following me once when I was pushing my daughter home in a buggy. When I made eye contact with them I read in their body language that they were intending to jump me. The only thing I thought was that I did not know what they might do with my 2 year old daughter. I stood there staring at them and I knew that the moment they came close enough I was going to start eye gouging, biting, stamping etc until I eventually went down (I can fight but I doubt I can fight 6 people at once) - as long as I was capable of moving I would keep fighting. There was no conscious thought at all, defending my daughter to death was automatic.

I would do the same for my son ... I am not sure what I would do if I had to chose between the two of them.

It's the ultimate dilemma really. Formant has it on the money that you would gauge which one was the most vulnerable, in that situation, and go for that one first. I suppose I am being a little disingenuous, as if I had a 3 year old non swimming step child and 10 yo swimming natural child, I'd go for the one most helpless, but if the two were non swimmers, the decision would be fairly simple to me.

I also think like you, you'd simply go down. I know for a fact, I would die trying to save them, and that's why you hear of parents, whose kids are drowning off beaches, going out into dangerous waters, knowing they have little chance of saving their kids, and little chance of their own survival. It's just something you do with your own kids. Not having step kids, I don't know if that particular bond exists

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 10:37
It's the ultimate dilemma really. Formant has it on the money that you would gauge which one was the most vulnerable, in that situation, and go for that one first. I suppose I am being a little disingenuous, as if I had a 3 year old non swimming step child and 10 yo swimming natural child, I'd go for the one most helpless, but if the two were non swimmers, the decision would be fairly simple to me.

Do you have step children?

MyUserName
26th April 2013, 10:40
I would guess that trying to imagine what it would be like to be a step parent when you are not is as difficult as trying to imagine what it is like to be a parent when you are not.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 10:41
Do you have step children?

No MP, that's why I have always said 'I think' I would do this and I have openly said I cannot imagine the bond being similar. I have openly agreed that I don't know that aspect. But I still fail to see how you could have the same bond. I'e seen all of my kids from the moment they came into the world, vulnerable, helpless, and the look in their eye as they first spot you, well, it's natures own heroin. I cannot imagine a stepchild being able to replicate that moment, that bond.

But, again, I don't know, this is my opinion, based on not having them. I also counter people without kids can't know how it feels to have kids.

EternalOptimist
26th April 2013, 10:49
I have two step ladders, I have always longed for a ladder all of my own




:rolleyes:

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 10:52
No MP, that's why I have always said 'I think' I would do this and I have openly said I cannot imagine the bond being similar. I have openly agreed that I don't know that aspect. But I still fail to see how you could have the same bond. I'e seen all of my kids from the moment they came into the world, vulnerable, helpless, and the look in their eye as they first spot you, well, it's natures own heroin. I cannot imagine a stepchild being able to replicate that moment, that bond.

But, again, I don't know, this is my opinion, based on not having them. I also counter people without kids can't know how it feels to have kids.

Ok. Merely asked as I haven't opened the link to the other thread [cba reading through it] and wasn't sure.

My dad is my stepdad, but it feels odd saying that. He met my Mum when I was 3, and has bought me up as his own ever since.

I was small enough, I guess, for him to become part of my world very easily. He has 'accepted' me as his own daugter from then and ever since.

I suspect if you asked my Dad who he'd 'choose' [i.e. me, or my sister who came along six years after they met] he wouldn't have a clue at all. We might not be blood, but I'm his in the same way my sister is.

I do think however, a large factor in this is the fact my real father is not around anymore. If he was, perhaps we might all be more conscious of the fact that I'm the odd one out.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 10:58
Ok. Merely asked as I haven't opened the link to the other thread [cba reading through it] and wasn't sure.

My dad is my stepdad, but it feels odd saying that. He met my Mum when I was 3, and has bought me up as his own ever since.

I was small enough, I guess, for him to become part of my world very easily. He has 'accepted' me as his own daugter from then and ever since.

I suspect if you asked my Dad who he'd 'choose' [i.e. me, or my sister who came along six years after they met] he wouldn't have a clue at all. We might not be blood, but I'm his in the same way my sister is.

I do think however, a large factor in this is the fact my real father is not around anymore. If he was, perhaps we might all be more conscious of the fact that I'm the odd one out.

I do think there are situations where I am wrong, of course I do, but generalising, I think it would be hard to.

Looking at your example, yes, but if you had your father about, and he was active in your life, then your stepfather possibly wouldn't have a bond with you.

I know it's a subjective position I hold, but, genuinely, I can't see how, if you are there form day 1, that you can have the same bond.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 11:02
I do think there are situations where I am wrong, of course I do, but generalising, I think it would be hard to.

Looking at your example, yes, but if you had your father about, and he was active in your life, then your stepfather possibly wouldn't have a bond with you.

I know it's a subjective position I hold, but, genuinely, I can't see how, if you are there form day 1, that you can have the same bond.

Possibly not, and perhaps you're right. Each situation's unique I guess, because I didn't feel much of a bond with my baby son until he was around 2 years old. Spend a lot of time trying to make up for that, now of course.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 11:07
Possibly not, and perhaps you're right. Each situation's unique I guess, because I didn't feel much of a bond with my baby son until he was around 2 years old. Spend a lot of time trying to make up for that, now of course.

I guess one can only talk of how they feel, from their own experience, which is why I have always said 'I think', 'I believe'. It's just something that I couldn't imagine I guess.

I bonded at different times with each one. During the second ones pregnancy, I worried how I could love #2 as much as I loved #1, it actually scared me, as I thought it a terrible thing to be thinking about, but it kept me awake at night, but then I watched her come into the world, and knew I would love her as much and do. Now I see them as three very different people, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, each their own nuances. Each make me proud in different ways.

I don't know. I guess it's just how I feel. Could be massively wrong.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 11:09
I don't know. I guess it's just how I feel. Could be massively wrong.

Just your opinion; you're entitled to it.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 11:11
Just your opinion; you're entitled to it.

Probably could position how I say things better though.

gingerjedi
26th April 2013, 11:14
.

Either way, I'm definitely not doing this whole pregnancy and birth thing ever again. :tongue

They all say that, early days. :tongue

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 11:14
Probably could position how I say things better though.

There's much bigger tossers here, you've no worries.

formant
26th April 2013, 11:32
Looking at your example, yes, but if you had your father about, and he was active in your life, then your stepfather possibly wouldn't have a bond with you.


Well, I'm the stepmom in a situation where the biological mother is still around, although she was largely absent/uninvolved for the first couple of years of the kids' life, until my other half left her. Since he left she decided to try and take the kids away from him (that being the only way to hurt him), so we fought long and hard in court and continue to do so to keep them living with us for at least half the time.

I have strong bond with those girls. They are a lot happier around me than they are around their mother (they frequently bite and hit her for example, which is something they never do at our house). However, knowing that I essentially have no claim on these girls - say if my partner passed away - means there will be some reluctance on my part to commit as much as I'm commiting to the wee one of my own.

I think this would change quite drastically if she wasn't around anymore (which given what she's put the children and us through (she's been rather violent towards my partner)), and as much as I would never want to be the woman that 'stole' another woman's kids, they'd be way better off without her. So yeah, it's not that there's no bond, there's already a very strong one, but it's still a different, more cautious one.

Old Hack
26th April 2013, 11:36
Well, I'm the stepmom in a situation where the biological mother is still around, although she was largely absent/uninvolved for the first couple of years of the kids' life, until my other half left her. Since he left she decided to try and take the kids away from him (that being the only way to hurt him), so we fought long and hard in court and continue to do so to keep them living with us for at least half the time.

I have strong bond with those girls. They are a lot happier around me than they are around their mother (they frequently bite and hit her for example, which is something they never do at our house). However, knowing that I essentially have no claim on these girls - say if my partner passed away - means there will be some reluctance on my part to commit as much as I'm commiting to the wee one of my own.

I think this would change quite drastically if she wasn't around anymore (which given what she's put the children and us through (she's been rather violent towards my partner)), and as much as I would never want to be the woman that 'stole' another woman's kids, they'd be way better off without her. So yeah, it's not that there's no bond, there's already a very strong one, but it's still a different, more cautious one.

Very different from the one you have with your own child.

Which is what I was suggesting.

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 12:04
Just your opinion; you're entitled to it.

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one but not everyone should share their's in public

d000hg
26th April 2013, 12:21
Doesn't your wife teach?Yep, wee tots.

Ketchup
26th April 2013, 12:22
I would take on someone elses kids.

The girl i am seeing has 2 kids, they are great kids, but their dad is a waster. If he wasn;t around i would probablymarry her and adopt the kids, but as he is around and they go there every other weekend i couldnt do that.

eek
26th April 2013, 12:23
Yep, wee tots.

enough to put anyone off.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 12:35
I would take on someone elses kids.

The girl i am seeing has 2 kids, they are great kids, but their dad is a waster. If he wasn;t around i would probablymarry her and adopt the kids, but as he is around and they go there every other weekend i couldnt do that.

Why not?

Ketchup
26th April 2013, 13:05
Why not?

1) Because I would not feel like part of the family and would not know what my role was with regards to discipline etc.

2) I would like to have my own kids, and i think it would be a strange dynamic to have 2 out of the 3 disappearing to their dads every weekend and 1 staying behind.

3) If i did have a child with her, while her 2 were still seeing their dad, i would always favour my own one.

4) They have to live close to their dad in central london, and i would like to be further out in the country

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 13:07
1) Because I would not feel like part of the family and would not know what my role was with regards to discipline etc.

2) I would like to have my own kids, and i think it would be a strange dynamic to have 2 out of the 3 disappearing to their dads every weekend and 1 staying behind.

3) If i did have a child with her, while her 2 were still seeing their dad, i would always favour my own one.

4) They have to live close to their dad in central london, and i would like to be further out in the country

Sounds like the future is rosy! :ohwell

Sysman
26th April 2013, 14:24
I agree with your first point.. must admit I haven't met many people in your second point but there is another set I cannot stand. Those that need to analyse why I don't have kids.. in great detail. They can't understand why I haven't so try and make up excuses for me while asking loads of questions. Very uncomfortable and annoying. I just haven't would enough of an answer for most, but not this set..'Do you not want them 'do you regret it' blah blah..

I had a female colleague a bit like that. She genuinely couldn't understand why I hadn't got at least married, though with her I simply took it as a compliment that I was a decent and likeable bloke.

The answer is a simple matter of never meeting the right bird at the right time. I also fancied foreign birds more than British ones, and that brought cultural differences which didn't always work out. That was particularly noticeable with a Brazilian bird. She was incredibly cheapskate on the food side of things, probably out of historical necessity, but every time she came to stay I would find my cupboards full of crap that I would bin as soon as she went home. Have you ever seen a grey mince dish? (soon resolved with some canned tomatoes and tomato purée, but you get the idea.)

Or putting it another way, the birds I really fancied weren't available and I am not a marriage wrecker.

Work has got in the way too much and living out of a suitcase didn't help when I was younger.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 14:26
I had a female colleague a bit like that. She genuinely couldn't understand why I hadn't got at least married, though with her I simply took it as a compliment that I was a decent bloke.

She wanted to sleep with you, by the sounds of it.

Sysman
26th April 2013, 14:32
She wanted to sleep with you, by the sounds of it.

That was my conclusion at the time. She had undoubtedly been quite a looker in her day. Nice figure but too many wrinkles.:(

I don't like this getting old bit :(

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 14:36
That was my conclusion at the time. She had undoubtedly been quite a looker in her day. Nice figure but too many wrinkles.:(

I don't like this getting old bit :(

How old are you sysman? I don't like it, either.

PS. I read that as 'hooker'.

Sysman
26th April 2013, 14:44
The answer is a simple matter of never meeting the right bird at the right time. I also fancied foreign birds more than British ones, and that brought cultural differences which didn't always work out. That was particularly noticeable with a Brazilian bird. She was incredibly cheapskate on the food side of things, probably out of historical necessity, but every time she came to stay I would find my cupboards full of crap that I would bin as soon as she went home. Have you ever seen a grey mince dish? (soon resolved with some canned tomatoes and tomato purée, but you get the idea.)

That is worth addressing on its own merits.

A colleague originally from Cameroon warned me about this from his own experience. He explained that folks from the third world have much stronger family ties than we do, which is a Good Thing, but when they arrive in the West they feel responsible for the family they left behind and will exist on the cheapest cuts of meat etc so that they have more money to send back home.

He was proud to have done this for his family and once his sister was established in the US and able to contribute he felt that finally he could ease off and start enjoying his wealth. His advice for anyone from the West was to avoid such ties.

Sysman
26th April 2013, 14:51
How old are you sysman? I don't like it, either.

PS. I read that as 'hooker'.

I am 58. Out of interest how old are you? (A ladies prerogative is to lie or answer by PM:D)

But on the bright side I am moving to a farm next week. I am looking forward to getting fit.

MaryPoppins
26th April 2013, 14:57
I am 58. Out of interest how old are you? (A ladies prerogative is to lie or answer by PM:D)

But on the bright side I am moving to a farm next week. I am looking forward to getting fit.

I was 34 yesterday.

Ah, lovely. Thats my end goal. [farm]

Mich the Tester
26th April 2013, 15:13
That is worth addressing on its own merits.

A colleague originally from Cameroon warned me about this from his own experience. He explained that folks from the third world have much stronger family ties than we do, which is a Good Thing, but when they arrive in the West they feel responsible for the family they left behind and will exist on the cheapest cuts of meat etc so that they have more money to send back home.

He was proud to have done this for his family and once his sister was established in the US and able to contribute he felt that finally he could ease off and start enjoying his wealth. His advice for anyone from the West was to avoid such ties.
Good story but poor advice from your Cameroonian colleague; it's remittances and family ties that are giving African migrants and their families back home more and more economic clout these days.

Sysman
26th April 2013, 16:17
Good story but poor advice from your Cameroonian colleague; it's remittances and family ties that are giving African migrants and their families back home more and more economic clout these days.

You make an excellent point sir. When I was working in Africa myself I had the vision to do outsourcing of development work. My African colleagues would have welcomed the extra income (whoop we had serious computer power doing very little in the evenings). My team had better degrees from UK universities than I did. Talent wasn't a problem and neither was sport. Have you ever come across someone who can get under par on a golf course with only one club? Bloody good caddies who could teach you as well.

Unfortunately i got derailed by the desire to get that nice country cottage in the UK countryside when I really should have put my energies into an African project.

Well, that and my mum announcing that she was dying... I really couldn't cope with the thought of not being able to catch a flight back to see her that one last time.

Sysman
26th April 2013, 16:19
Good story but poor advice from your Cameroonian colleague; it's remittances and family ties that are giving African migrants and their families back home more and more economic clout these days.

Oh and:


You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Mich the Tester again.

Can someone please do the necessary?

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 16:20
Oh and:



Can someone please do the necessary?

Obliged

SimonMac
26th April 2013, 16:23
1) Because I would not feel like part of the family and would not know what my role was with regards to discipline etc.

2) I would like to have my own kids, and i think it would be a strange dynamic to have 2 out of the 3 disappearing to their dads every weekend and 1 staying behind.

3) If i did have a child with her, while her 2 were still seeing their dad, i would always favour my own one.

4) They have to live close to their dad in central london, and i would like to be further out in the country

A piece of paper doesn't make you part of the family, if you can't work that out the rest is futile

Sysman
26th April 2013, 16:26
Doh!

That's what the light switch is for!

But I couldn't help feeling I would be seen as her toyboy.

Oh, and there was a nice young lady student at the time who took a shine to me...

Dunno what the attraction of a father figure is, but these furrin birds seem OK with the idea.

Zippy
26th April 2013, 17:03
I have two step ladders, I have always longed for a ladder all of my own




:rolleyes:

Gosh! I've always wanted a snake.