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Farting Risk Analysis

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    Farting Risk Analysis

    I had some cabbage at lunch and that always has the same effect; it makes me fart. Now then, as I see it there are various risks associated with farting in the workplace. I have identified some of these risks and mitigations;

    1. despite best efforts to keep the fart silent, it blasts out like a trombone announcing to all and sundry that one has farted. Mitigation; practice the technique of holding and gently releasing

    2. the smell is first detected by those sitting nearby who then point at you. Mitigation; (i)
    walk around somewhere else practising above technique or (ii) wait until the others have gone

    3. wet fart or shart. Mitigation; go to the bog on time and have a 20 quid dump

    4. fart so toxic you can't even sit in it yourself. Mitigation; see 2 (ii)

    Have I missed any risks and mitigations?
    And what exactly is wrong with an "ad hominem" argument? Dodgy Agent, 16-5-2014

    #2
    Originally posted by Mich the Tester View Post

    1. despite best efforts to keep the fart silent, it blasts out like a trombone announcing to all and sundry that one has farted. Mitigation; practice the technique of holding and gently releasing

    2. the smell is first detected by those sitting nearby who then point at you. Mitigation; (i)
    walk around somewhere else practising above technique or (ii) wait until the others have gone

    4. fart so toxic you can't even sit in it yourself. Mitigation; see 2 (ii)

    Have I missed any risks and mitigations?
    For those three, get in the lift, hope no-one else does, and leave them something to remember you by.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Ticktock View Post
      For those three, get in the lift, hope no-one else does, and leave them something to remember you by.
      Good one, but this is a low rise building.
      And what exactly is wrong with an "ad hominem" argument? Dodgy Agent, 16-5-2014

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by Ticktock View Post
        For those three, get in the lift, hope no-one else does, and leave them something to remember you by.
        this is an amateurs mistake.

        I recently started seeing a new lady, so the morning after I leave her apartment and get in the lift. Being a new relationship, we have not passed the fart-barrier yet. So I get in the lift, let it go down a few floors an let rip after a night on the ale. To my horror the lift stopped on the next floor and a beautiful Spanish-looking lady got in.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by RedSauce View Post
          this is an amateurs mistake.

          I recently started seeing a new lady, so the morning after I leave her apartment and get in the lift. Being a new relationship, we have not passed the fart-barrier yet. So I get in the lift, let it go down a few floors an let rip after a night on the ale. To my horror the lift stopped on the next floor and a beautiful Spanish-looking lady got in.
          Just start sniffing and pull a slightly confused, then disgusted face. Maybe break the ice with the new entrant with "Morning. Cor, this lift stinks. It is always like this?"

          Comment


            #6
            Onions, garlic and lentilly things for me. The last contract I had was in an openplan "hear a pin drop" office with plenty of fit marketing birds, while us devs were in the mosh pit at the back of the office.

            It was so bad I had to ban from Sun-Thu all the favourite foodstuffs I liked and enjoyed to cook and eat.

            My only recommendations for infringements on the above protocols is to wear thick, black Alpinestars motorbike leathers whereby the odour and sound are fully suppressed for your own comfort and well-being.
            If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers.

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by hyperD View Post
              My only recommendations for infringements on the above protocols is to wear thick, black Alpinestars motorbike leathers whereby the odour and sound are fully suppressed for your own comfort and well-being.
              Isn't that a bit like the proverbial fart in a space suit?
              While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by doodab View Post
                Isn't that a bit like the proverbial fart in a space suit?
                Indeed it is, but in office space, no permie can hear you scream.
                If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers.

                Comment


                  #9
                  I simply plug in my music, then am blissfully unaware whether my farts are audible. As for the smell, if I can put up with it, so can they.

                  The lady who was at the desk next to me moved away yesterday - it's now a hot desk. I can't think why...

                  Comment


                    #10
                    The way you move after a fart is also essential. Being gaseous it will fill any void created by you attempting to walk forward hence it following you around. The best way to get rid of a pesky fart is to drop your guts and then step sideways quickly. You are then safe to walk forward without it following you.

                    You can of course spread it around so all can enjoy. The video below demonstrates a number of effective ways of doing this and the science of a fart following you. Very interesting.

                    'CUK forum personality of 2011 - Winner - Yes really!!!!

                    Comment

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