In my short time on here....

**stackpole** · 3 August 2006, 12:44

Threaded also invented the time machine.

**Phoenix** · 3 August 2006, 12:46

No one on here understands UK Politics

**n5gooner** · 3 August 2006, 12:46

I hope your not suggesting that I lower the tone around here !!!!

Quick tit bit....ready for light relief.

Masturbation Song

You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty
Dollars, Ma'am."

Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a ****** or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license

You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air ******.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand

**Phoenix** · 3 August 2006, 12:47

LR here we come!!!

**Pondlife** · 3 August 2006, 12:47

8. Mailman, besides being an idiot, laughs at his own jokes.

**Phoenix** · 3 August 2006, 12:49

9. Chico is a stable, right minded human being

**Pondlife** · 3 August 2006, 12:50

10. NL is a bad thing.

**The Lone Gunman** · 3 August 2006, 12:51

I much prefer this ditty

My mother said that I never should
play with the naughty, rude girls in the wood.
Their giggling talk I could never understand,
and that's why I fell in love with my right hand.

And that's why
(Chorus)
I'm a ******, I'm a ******.
and it does me good like it bloody well should.
I'm a ******, I'm a ******
and I'm always pulling my pud'.

I was twenty-five years old before I was kissed,
and then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist.
It's cheap and convenient, you can't catch VD.
It's available at any time and it's absolutely free.

And that's why
(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
thank you for having me and being oh, so kind.
I've got pains in my arms and my dong is growing shorter,
My knees have turned to water, and I think I'm going blind.

I've wanked over Italy, I've wanked over Spain.
I've wanked in an omnibus, I've even had a wank in a train.
I've used a badger and a melon and a cat,
an inflatable Linda Lovelace, and a Davy Crockett hat.

And that's why
(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh, so kind.
I've got pains in my arms and my dong is getting shorter,
My knees have turned to water, and I think I'm going blind.

**n5gooner** · 3 August 2006, 12:51

Alf tinkers on the ivory and gives good lyrical limerick.

In my short time on here....