• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

A news roundup on CUK's favourite subject

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A news roundup on CUK's favourite subject

    From the Times News Roundup

    This week the spokesdrone for the Borg Council Of Britain pronounced collectively on behalf of the many Borg in Britain, once again denouncing British society for its immorality and pointless pursuit of individualism. By contrast, they said, the Borg way of life was a rational and tolerant one and the Borg only wanted to raise the quality of life of the species they assimilated. Sir 813754-X 942 was speaking in the wake of a controversial poll of the Borg that showed that more than 40% wanted the British to be fully absorbed into the collective hive-mind.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    More Daleks have been arrested in North London and Birmingham following the alledged discovery of a major plot to Exteeeeeerminate passengers on board flights to the US. It is believed that the Daleks planned to do this by firing their ray guns at them while simultaneously going "Extreeeeeeerminate! Exteeeeerminate! An unnamed source within the British security community says that had this plot succeeded very many people would have been Extreeeeeeerminated. Although this plot has been foiled he said, we must not be complacent. The risk remains very high.

    Meanwhile, Davros Dahl denounced plans to profile Daleks at airports as discriminatory. Not all Daleks wish to exteeeeerminate he said, one individual in the recent series was actually rather pathetic. This view seems to be supported by a recent poll among the public. Many feel that it would be quite impractical to identify a Dalek with certainty as many non-Daleks have sink plungers sticking out the front.

    Speaking at his London home Mr Dahl also denounced British policy, which he said was the main reason for Dalek alienation. Metal dustbins were being increasingly pushed out by councils and being replaced by green wheelie bins. The Daleks' way of life was under threat.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    There have been more street clashes in London between marauding gangs of Predator youths vs Alien youths and several have been severely injured, one Predator youth fatally. Before the ambulance could arrive, he laughed maniacally like Dale Winton before activating a plasma-based self-destruct device that destroyed a significant area of Peckham. The fight spread into a neighbouring area with many Independence Day extra-terrestrials who have been fighting a cultural war with the Aliens over the latter's tendency to spray over their urban graphitti with their own in the style of H.R. Geiger.

    It is thought that the fight initially broke out when a group of Alien youths taunted the Predators for having ugly mandibles beneath their masks instead of several rows of KOOL big drippy teeth.

    A spokesman for the youths later put this and many other incidents down to the exclusion of these groups from British society. He denounced as utterly racist the assertion by Migration Watch that since these youths came from violent planetary societies bent on destroying other lifeforms throughout the universe that they should not have free admission to British society. "These unfortunate people are fleeing persecution by Sigourney Weaver and others on their own planets" he said "and they have a right to be here. Their presence enriches our society."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    The home secretary has promised a debate on immigration in the wake of public concern about the huge number of Tribbles flooding into Britain following admission of their home planet to the EU. Only 600,000 Tribbles have come here in the year since membership but given their high birth rate most of the Home Counties is covered to a depth of 5 feet with the gentle little creatures.

    Some have questioned the usefulness of migrants who consume large quantities of food but do nothing but tremble and make little purring noises but leaders of some of Britain's biggest businesses have called on the Government to continue to allow unlimited immigration from Tribble World and also to allow unlimited immigration by the Zoonies and the Snarfs when their planets join the EU next year. We need more little furry creatures who can go "Full power" and "Snarf Snarf" a lot said their spokesman. He added that the Tribbles had been "a huge boon to the UK economy and our success in the global market depended on taking in many more like them"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------



    Revellers enjoy the multi-cultural atmosphere at the hugely popular Nether Hell Carnival which every year contributes to the local economy by raising more than £36 million for local businesses while costing the ratepayers a mere £500 million in policing costs.
    Last edited by xoggoth; 3 September 2006, 08:50.
    bloggoth

    If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'
    John Wayne (My guru, not to be confused with my beloved prophet Jeremy Clarkson)

    #2


    Is it becoz you is evil-ist?

    Comment

    Working...
    X