Trade Talks Trade Talks
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Thread: Trade Talks

  1. #1

    More fingers than teeth

    darmstadt's Avatar
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    Default Trade Talks

    Humour, from someone else...

    Brexit Trade Talks:


    UK: We don't like our deal
    EU: Why not?
    UK: We only get 95% of what we want
    EU: It only gives us 95% too. That's how negotiating goes
    UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of
    EU: But you signed a deal
    UK: Don't care, we hate you
    EU: Bit rude
    UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you
    EU: And how is Nigel?
    UK: Not happy?
    EU: Why not?
    UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal
    EU: Wait, what?
    UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want
    EU: Er suits us!
    UK: Wait, what?
    EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.
    UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win
    EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less
    UK: That's right
    EU: But if we don't negotiate, we still have our 95%
    UK: Woah, hold on
    EU: And you have nothing
    UK: But Dom didn't superpredict you'd say that!
    EU: And if we don't have a deal, we don't have to put up with you **** on our lawn
    UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!
    EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?
    UK: Welp!
    EU: So we'll just sit this one out
    UK: Fine, we'll go and make a great deal with the US
    ---
    US: Yo suckers
    UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal
    US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let's see, 60% of what you have now
    UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship
    US: Bye
    UK: What?
    US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye
    UK: But we haven't got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!
    US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don't need your 1.8%. No deal: easy
    UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us
    US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India
    ---
    UK: Hi India, remember us?
    India: Oh ****, these guys again
    UK: We want a trade deal
    India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
    UK: We can't do that. Turns out we're, like, properly racist
    India: That is brand new information!!
    UK: So can we have a deal?
    India: Sure, fine. Join the queue
    UK: Who's in front of us in the queue?
    India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia basically everybody. We're kind of a big deal now.
    UK: So you'll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
    India: Ha ha ha ha ha
    UK: What did we say?
    India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This **** takes ages, bro
    UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU
    India: And how did that work out?
    UK: Erm
    India: Try Brazil
    ---
    UK: Hi Brazil
    Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!
    UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?
    Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!
    UK: Shall we try New Zealand?
    Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!
    UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand
    ---
    UK: Hi, New Zealand
    NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle
    UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb
    NZ: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?
    UK: Yes
    NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll **** themselves
    ---
    UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?
    Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?
    UK: We've already got them
    Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?
    UK: We can send you some racists
    Aus: I think we're sorted. Try Russia
    ---
    UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you'd love to own
    Russia: We already own them
    UK: You don't own Boris
    Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match
    UK: We really need a trade deal
    Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China
    ---
    UK: Can we please have a trade deal?
    China: And you are...?
    UK: We're Great Britain
    China: Great, you say?
    UK: Well once
    China: It's not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?
    UK: United Kingdom
    China: United, you say?
    UK: Alright, smart arse
    China: So you want a trade deal?
    UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law
    China: What happened to your deal with the EU?
    UK: We broke international law
    China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?
    UK: We're very tired.
    China: Why did you leave the EU?
    UK: We couldn't deal with foreigners telling us what to do
    China: What do you want?
    UK: A deal
    China: With who?
    UK: Foreigners
    China: And why can't you get one?
    UK: Cos we don't know what to do
    China: Were you dropped as a child?
    UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status
    China: You've got one
    UK: No we haven't
    China: Yes you have
    UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?
    China: Would you like to buy a mirror?
    UK: Finally, a deal!
    China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don't need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You're not a mighty nation, you're a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of a globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit
    UK: So, what do you suggest?
    China: Aw, mate. You already know
    ---
    EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?
    UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before
    EU: Oh, I don't think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!
    UK: We hate you
    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

  2. #2

    Fingers like lightning

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    I'm a massive proponent of remain, but I'm curious, do you really find this funny?

    India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
    UK: We can't do that. Turns out we're, like, properly racist
    False dichotomy and ironic.

  3. #3

    Double Godlike!

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    You forgot about Japan

    UK: We want a trade deal with Jap the same as what we have now with the JAP and EU.
    JAP: No!
    UK: What can you offer?
    JAP: We give you half the access to our markets plus you can sell English Biscuits. In exchange you will allow tariff free imports
    of JAP cars and you must change your laws so we can unfettered access to financial markets.
    UK. Ok; that will give us extra growth of 0.018% over ten years.
    "A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims, but accomplices," George Orwell

  4. #4

    Super poster

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    EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?
    UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before
    EU: Oh, I don't think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!
    UK: We hate you
    The royal mint has already anticipated this event by stopping the production 2p and £2 coins
    No new 2p or GBP2 coins to be made for 10 years - BBC News

  5. #5

    Double Godlike!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eirikur View Post
    The royal mint has already anticipated this event by stopping the production 2p and £2 coins
    No new 2p or GBP2 coins to be made for 10 years - BBC News
    More likely paper money and coins will disappear and changing to the US dollar will be part of a trade deal with the US.
    "A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims, but accomplices," George Orwell

  6. #6

    Double Godlike!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheGreenBastard View Post
    I'm a massive proponent of remain, but I'm curious, do you really find this funny?



    False dichotomy and ironic.
    Probably nicked from roughly the same source as:

    Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
    Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

    His heart is in the right place - shame we can't say the same about his brain...

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