Completely OT - elderly parents etc

[MaryPoppins]

You get a lunch break don't you? if you are like most people you eat at your desk. So what you can do is phone him during your lunch break just to say "Hello" and find out how nice his carer was. Do this a few times a week.

+1


That's kind of what I meant - small, regular gestures like this may mean more to him in terms of reassurance. If nothing else it certainly can't hurt.

[psychocandy]

[QUOTE=MaryPoppins;2344264]

Social services have sent in a carer every morning now which seems to have helped. That 30 mins of someone fussing over him seems to make a world of difference.

I've told him though phone me if you're concerned/feel ill. BUT he refuses to phone me when Im in work "dont want to get you into trouble". Jeez. An example of how he just does not listen to what I say at all.QUOTE]


He sounds lonely to me; and he genuinely may feel you're paying lip service to the offer of being on the end of the phone. He's of a completely different generation and I often think that colours a lot of interactions.


Does he live far away from you?

Lives about 30-45 mins drive away. So with a 90 min commute back from client its not always possible to trek over there in the evening. Allied to the fact that my wife is long term ill as well and I've got small children (and family stay over sometimes to help her),

Lots of people say this about him being lonely but I dont think he is. When hes well hes out every single day doing something. I invite him somewhere at the weekend and he turns me down because hes busy. Its only when he gets ill hes like this.

[psychocandy]

You get a lunch break don't you? if you are like most people you eat at your desk. So what you can do is phone him during your lunch break just to say "Hello" and find out how nice his carer was. Do this a few times a week.

I do phone him most days whilst walking back to the train station...

[psychocandy]

Still not going well...

The carer idea lasted about two days and hes down again. Yesterday had to talk him out of phoning an ambulance because he 'felt sick'. His initial illness seems to have been been forgotten about and it seems to be random things now.

I did speak to his GP yesterday and voiced concerns but of course all they can do is listen.

I speak to him every day and have told him to call me 24/7. Hes not keen when Im in work but I explained Id know he called and would call him back. Yesterday he called me 15 times in the space of as many minutes when I was in a meeting.

Client is pretty easy going etc but still....

Of course, no official diagnosis social services wont do anything either. Never knew it could be so difficult.

Today hes getting me to call the hospital to ask why he hasn't had a letter about his tests this week. Knowing him they didn't even say this week. Not even sure what tests hes having either - like I said he seems to have all sorts of things he tells medical people. Chances are any tests have been done once (hes had loads) and hes probably low priority. Wish me luck with that one today!

Only other thing I can think of is phoning Social again. Would they provide emergency short-term care for something like this?

[GJABS]

.. When hes well hes out every single day doing something. I invite him somewhere at the weekend and he turns me down because hes busy. Its only when he gets ill hes like this.

Definitely something mental going on there. Bipolar or similar I would imagine.
I would suggest you get his GP to refer him to his local community mental health service (NHS) for an assessment.
Forget what I said about him being sectioned - that was an over-reaction by me. In practice that happens only rarely, and only when the person is a danger to him/her self etc.
You might well be able to go along to the assessment with him.
Perhaps you could write up a description of his symptoms, and show it to him when he is well - that way he might be more inclined to see the problem in a rational way and allow you to help him.

Has he changed his eating habits recently - sometimes these kinds of problems happen if you're not getting a balanced diet.

You said that: "In his world, there is no such thing as mental illness."
But surely he must agree that some people get diseases such as parkinsons and dementia. Ask him "are these not mental illnesses".
Psychologists and psychiatrists deal with these conditions all the time, and can offer therapies that assist, such as CBT, often with no medication involved.

[SueEllen]

Definitely something mental going on there. Bipolar or similar I would imagine.

Because of his age it's more likely to be a form of dementia.

[SueEllen]

Still not going well...

The carer idea lasted about two days and hes down again. Yesterday had to talk him out of phoning an ambulance because he 'felt sick'. His initial illness seems to have been been forgotten about and it seems to be random things now.

What was wrong with the carer?

I did speak to his GP yesterday and voiced concerns but of course all they can do is listen.

Depends on how good the practice is and whether they get extra payments for doing certain things.

If the practice is good they will make an appointment if you said anything that raises concerns, if the practice is ok they will ask him questions about the things you raised when he next sees them and if the practice is poor they will do sod all.

I speak to him every day and have told him to call me 24/7. Hes not keen when Im in work but I explained Id know he called and would call him back. Yesterday he called me 15 times in the space of as many minutes when I was in a meeting.

Client is pretty easy going etc but still....

Lots of people have elderly folk they have to care for and any experienced manager would have seen it before.

Of course, no official diagnosis social services wont do anything either. Never knew it could be so difficult.

Social services are over stretched and there is a shortage of social workers. This is partly due to budget constraints and party due to the fact no-one wants to be a social worker as they get vilified in the press, get attacked by families and still deal with people's sh*t. In fact some of the social workers I know though my family members rather spend time helping refugees in refugee camps then being a social worker in the UK.

Today hes getting me to call the hospital to ask why he hasn't had a letter about his tests this week. Knowing him they didn't even say this week. Not even sure what tests hes having either - like I said he seems to have all sorts of things he tells medical people. Chances are any tests have been done once (hes had loads) and hes probably low priority. Wish me luck with that one today!

As he's not a priority he will be put on the waiting list to be seen as and when. The trick they do in my area is book people in around holidays e.g just before Christmas, immediately after New Year as most people can't be seen then. So they turn down the appointment and are kicked off the list. Their GP has to then put them back on again.

One thing that may be worth convincing him to do is to have a notebook where he writes all his medical information - drugs, appointments he's due to have, test results down with dates. That way all doctors, medical staff and even carers have quick access to information and can't get confused. This is what the OAPs I know and met claim to do it for anyway. (Being cynical it's so they can discuss their illnesses to anyone who will listen.)

Only other thing I can think of is phoning Social again. Would they provide emergency short-term care for something like this?

He's got a carer who comes in once a day, your dad is mobile and hasn't been diagnosed with anything so what else do you expect them to do?

BTW have you contacted Age UK's helpline linky as previously suggested?

[psychocandy]

What was wrong with the carer?

Depends on how good the practice is and whether they get extra payments for doing certain things.

If the practice is good they will make an appointment if you said anything that raises concerns, if the practice is ok they will ask him questions about the things you raised when he next sees them and if the practice is poor they will do sod all.

Lots of people have elderly folk they have to care for and any experienced manager would have seen it before.

Social services are over stretched and there is a shortage of social workers. This is partly due to budget constraints and party due to the fact no-one wants to be a social worker as they get vilified in the press, get attacked by families and still deal with people's sh*t. In fact some of the social workers I know though my family members rather spend time helping refugees in refugee camps then being a social worker in the UK.

As he's not a priority he will be put on the waiting list to be seen as and when. The trick they do in my area is book people in around holidays e.g just before Christmas, immediately after New Year as most people can't be seen then. So they turn down the appointment and are kicked off the list. Their GP has to then put them back on again.

One thing that may be worth convincing him to do is to have a notebook where he writes all his medical information - drugs, appointments he's due to have, test results down with dates. That way all doctors, medical staff and even carers have quick access to information and can't get confused. This is what the OAPs I know and met claim to do it for anyway. (Being cynical it's so they can discuss their illnesses to anyone who will listen.)

He's got a carer who comes in once a day, your dad is mobile and hasn't been diagnosed with anything so what else do you expect them to do?

BTW have you contacted Age UK's helpline linky as previously suggested?

Carer is fine. For a day or two he was really pleased with the idea but the novelty wore off really quickly.

Know what you mean. Hes mobile, hasnt been diagnosed is safe etc. But mentally hes not right.

Had to shoot over there last night because he'd called an ambulance again. I cancelled it. Hes convinced hes lost weight (he has a little because hes stressing and not eating) but hes still 12stone (and 5'6" so still overweight).

[psychocandy]

Definitely something mental going on there. Bipolar or similar I would imagine.
I would suggest you get his GP to refer him to his local community mental health service (NHS) for an assessment.
Forget what I said about him being sectioned - that was an over-reaction by me. In practice that happens only rarely, and only when the person is a danger to him/her self etc.
You might well be able to go along to the assessment with him.
Perhaps you could write up a description of his symptoms, and show it to him when he is well - that way he might be more inclined to see the problem in a rational way and allow you to help him.

Has he changed his eating habits recently - sometimes these kinds of problems happen if you're not getting a balanced diet.

You said that: "In his world, there is no such thing as mental illness."
But surely he must agree that some people get diseases such as parkinsons and dementia. Ask him "are these not mental illnesses".
Psychologists and psychiatrists deal with these conditions all the time, and can offer therapies that assist, such as CBT, often with no medication involved.

Well like I said spoken to GP which is all I can do.

His idea of mental illness is black and white. Yes people have dementia and its sad and thats the end of them in his head.

He says there is no such thing as a mental problem. i.e. someone who is not old and has no "real" things to worry about just needs to "pull their socks up and get on with it".

Which is why he doesnt see that his behaviour could be anything else other than physical causes. Because hes worrying about something "real" because he'd never let himself get stressed for something silly. He thinks.

[SueEllen]

Carer is fine. For a day or two he was really pleased with the idea but the novelty wore off really quickly.

Know what you mean. Hes mobile, hasnt been diagnosed is safe etc. But mentally hes not right.

Had to shoot over there last night because he'd called an ambulance again. I cancelled it. Hes convinced hes lost weight (he has a little because hes stressing and not eating) but hes still 12stone (and 5'6" so still overweight).

Out of interest why does he call an ambulance instead of 111?

I know they are useless but in his case they are people he can talk to.