Teenagers are little sh@tes - spy software recommendation?

[mudskipper]

How old is he? Is "wanting him out" an option? It seems unlikely that it will improve his outcome.

If his sister is 5, it's possible he's feeling "less loved" - small children do necessarily get a lot more attention, and teenagers aren't mature enough to cope with those sort of emotions.

When's the last time you said something positive to him? (Not a criticism, but something to think about if the last few months/years have been all about what a problem he is).

When I sought help with my eldest, it surprised me that when he was asked to tell the shrink five good things about himself, he could only come up with one.

Try and find the good in him and praise it.

It does sound like you need professional help - good luck, and sympathies.

[Bacchus]

It does sound like the OP is having serious issues, and I sympathise, but having read this thread a lot of it sounds like "teenage behaviour".

That may not be very helpful, but teenagers can be right little shites without really meaning to be.

Part of the problem is that they have reached a "physical" age of independence. He doesn't want you to be controlling him yet you still want to control him and - mentally - he obviously isn't quite ready to be in charge of his own actions.

My suggestion would be to get him "on side". Take him fishing, have a few dad beers with him, let him miss school a couple of times and face the consequences, and try to love him for who he is not who you are! Show him that he will always be your son and much loved even if he does stupid stuff, and gradually try to tease out the son who doesn't actually want to do stupid stuff.

By rigorously enforcing your rules you are keeping him in childhood - you need to be easing him into adulthood.

[psychocandy]

How old is he? Is "wanting him out" an option? It seems unlikely that it will improve his outcome.

If his sister is 5, it's possible he's feeling "less loved" - small children do necessarily get a lot more attention, and teenagers aren't mature enough to cope with those sort of emotions.

When's the last time you said something positive to him? (Not a criticism, but something to think about if the last few months/years have been all about what a problem he is).

When I sought help with my eldest, it surprised me that when he was asked to tell the shrink five good things about himself, he could only come up with one.

Try and find the good in him and praise it.

It does sound like you need professional help - good luck, and sympathies.

Cheers hes 14.

[psychocandy]

It does sound like the OP is having serious issues, and I sympathise, but having read this thread a lot of it sounds like "teenage behaviour".

That may not be very helpful, but teenagers can be right little shites without really meaning to be.

Part of the problem is that they have reached a "physical" age of independence. He doesn't want you to be controlling him yet you still want to control him and - mentally - he obviously isn't quite ready to be in charge of his own actions.

My suggestion would be to get him "on side". Take him fishing, have a few dad beers with him, let him miss school a couple of times and face the consequences, and try to love him for who he is not who you are! Show him that he will always be your son and much loved even if he does stupid stuff, and gradually try to tease out the son who doesn't actually want to do stupid stuff.

By rigorously enforcing your rules you are keeping him in childhood - you need to be easing him into adulthood.

Aye part of the problem is knowing whats teenage stuff and whats part of his "issues".

Trouble is rules like not being violent and trashing the place are pretty inflexible.

[psychocandy]

Suggestions? Quit this thread and don't play out every detail of your personal family problems on a forum that generally doesn't think very much of you.

You need to get help, not spew the inner workings of your family problems on a forum full of IT randoms.

Take it to a forum that deals with similar issues or at the very least take it over to mumsnet.

Well I really hope in real life this post is not a true reflection of the real NLUK.

[Bacchus]

Aye part of the problem is knowing whats teenage stuff and whats part of his "issues".

Trouble is rules like not being violent and trashing the place are pretty inflexible.

My (now ex) brother-in-law had similar issues as a teenager. Possibly didn't help that his father was having an affair and leaving him and his sisters alone in a scary place in the country whilst the mother worked nights... no such thing as a perfect family.

The ex-b-i-l was shipped out to Australia to stay with family and learn viticulture. He is one of the nicest guys you could wish to meet but still has some issues around that time and that abandonment. What he really needed was parental care. Just saying like. The trashing of the place and the violence is a symptom of an underlying issue. Deal with the issue and they WILL go away. Inflexibility isn't the answer.

[LondonManc]

My (now ex) brother-in-law had similar issues as a teenager. Possibly didn't help that his father was having an affair and leaving him and his sisters alone in a scary place in the country whilst the mother worked nights... no such thing as a perfect family.

The ex-b-i-l was shipped out to Australia to stay with family and learn viticulture. He is one of the nicest guys you could wish to meet but still has some issues around that time and that abandonment. What he really needed was parental care. Just saying like. The trashing of the place and the violence is a symptom of an underlying issue. Deal with the issue and they WILL go away. Inflexibility isn't the answer.

Very true. He could be ashamed of his dad claiming JSA when he's in between contracts?

[saptastic]

It does sound like the OP is having serious issues, and I sympathise, but having read this thread a lot of it sounds like "teenage behaviour".

That may not be very helpful, but teenagers can be right little shites without really meaning to be.

Part of the problem is that they have reached a "physical" age of independence. He doesn't want you to be controlling him yet you still want to control him and - mentally - he obviously isn't quite ready to be in charge of his own actions.

My suggestion would be to get him "on side". Take him fishing, have a few dad beers with him, let him miss school a couple of times and face the consequences, and try to love him for who he is not who you are! Show him that he will always be your son and much loved even if he does stupid stuff, and gradually try to tease out the son who doesn't actually want to do stupid stuff.

By rigorously enforcing your rules you are keeping him in childhood - you need to be easing him into adulthood.

Good post. Tough in real life and testing.

Fortnite seems to be very addictive and also makes my son angry!

[Zigenare]

Good post. Tough in real life and testing.

Fortnite seems to be very addictive and also makes my son angry!

Angry or frustrated?

[northernladuk]

Well I really hope in real life this post is not a true reflection of the real NLUK.

Not quite sure what you mean by that but I stand by what I said. I'm not the type of person that's willing to lay my life bare on a public forum and find it very difficult to understand why others do? I guess it helps just putting your thoughts in your head down even if the responses aren't helpful I dunno but can't see how it's actually fixing your situation. You've not mentioned anything about acting on the advice many of us gave. Why is the PC still in his room? You didn't appear to take the PC away or cut his internet off when so many said do so, only when he's trashed his room you've done it. I don't understand why you didn't put more effort in to a fairly obvious solution much earlier and how you can go down the spy ware route rather than dealing with it properly.

But anyway, you've got bigger issues than we can help with so my message was, and has been echoed by others, to go get proper help. Us telling you it's only teenagers issues is wrong and isn't helpful so why continue? So maybe I put it a bit harshly but I do believe going to somewhere that is more on topic for your problems is much better than playing it out in all it's detail on here.