World beating list World beating list
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Posts 1 to 10 of 18
  1. #1

    More fingers than teeth

    darmstadt is a fount of knowledge

    darmstadt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    The Eurozone
    Posts
    18,865

    Default World beating list

    The last couple of weeks summarised for those who don't read the news or watch it on TV:

    Deep breath…


    1. Theresa May couldn’t agree a Withdrawal Agreement (WI) because – in news that will shock the millions who warned about this – it’s impossible due do without accepting EU rules, or harming NI, or breaking up the UK, or crippling the economy, or all of the above


    2. Nevertheless, Boris Johnson agreed a WA from the EU


    3. Then Tories voted to accelerate the Withdrawal Agreement through parliament, specifically so it wouldn’t have to face scrutiny


    4. And Boris Johnson withdrew the whip – sacked – 21 Tories who didn’t support the delay


    5. Then he won an election by promising the WI was "oven-ready" and "brilliant"


    6. Later, in a massive shock, it was discovered the WA contains all the problems that prevented May from agreeing it


    7. So the govt announced it would just break the law and ignore its own treaty


    8. Each MP’s Oath of Allegiance includes "I will give my loyalty to the United Kingdom… uphold its democratic values … and observe laws faithfully"


    9. All 5 living ex-PM’s oppose this plan


    10. Every living ex-Tory leader opposes it (except IDS, but c’mon, it’s IDS)


    11. So now the govt which sacked 21 MPs for opposing the WI is threatening to sack any MPs who support the same WA


    12. The actual Police Minister said it’s OK to break the law


    13. The Lord Chancellor, Britain’s highest law officer, said it’s OK to break the law


    14. The Attorney General, responsible for advising the govt on legal matters, said it’s OK to break the law


    15. The Lord Chancellor and Attorney General are barristers, and the Bar Council guidelines say you will be struck-off if you "knowingly advise a client to break the law"


    16. Same day, Foreign Secretary and irony no-fly-zone Dominic Raab said Iran "must comply with its legal commitments and treaties"


    17. Gavin Williamson and Mark Francois were nominated for the MP Of The Year Award


    18. This was the last known sighting of Mark Francois


    19. Michael Gove said in a July speech "failures of policy and judgement", are generating a "crisis of authority" and "Politicians like me must take responsibility for the effect of their actions"


    20. Gavin Williamson is still in his job


    21. But the head of Ofqual was sacked


    22. And the most senior education civil servant had to stand down


    23. In fact, resignations by senior civil servants are up 14% in a year


    24. But 44% of new senior appointments are personal friends of Michael Gove, in one of those amazing coincidence things


    25. Other amazing coincidences, a sub-thread:


    a. Public First, a company led by Govt and Cummings associates, was handed a contract to help Ofqual with the exams fiasco. The contract wasn’t put out to tender


    b. Gove appointed ex-girlfriend Simone Finn as adviser to Cabinet Office. Finn immediately paid her own company to "shake up the Cabinet Office"


    c. Gove handed a contract (without tender) to PWC, a company that pays him £5000 per hour to give speeches


    d. Gove gave £21k to Signal AI, a company associated with Gove and Cummings, to ask Tunisians what they think about Covid


    e. Faculty AI, associated with Gove and Cummings, got £400k to analyse tweets by UK citizens. So if I vanish one dark night, tell my family I tolerated them

    f. And another contract went to the cousin of Tory MP Tom Tugendhat to "analyse the awarding of govt contracts", which is like a spiral, wrapped inside a Möbius strip, encased in a corkscrew, and tethered to a twat


    26. Anyway, back to the fun: Home Secretary and Nurse Ratchet cosplayer Priti Patel authorised “more painful” Taser guns, clearly anticipating more determined rioters


    27. She then abandoned a deportation flight after it was found every passenger had leave to stay in the UK


    28. Matt Hancock said we should get back to work as there is "little evidence" coronavirus is passed on in offices, having seen Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings catch coronavirus in their office


    29. Then he voted for himself to continue to work remotely for 11 more weeks


    30. Tories told us to lose weight


    31. Then they paid us to go and eat out


    32. Then they told us face-masks were essential


    33. But not in schools


    34. Then they were essential in schools


    35. Then they told us to keep social distancing


    36. Then they held a meeting of 50 PMs in a room with a capacity for 29


    37. Then only 8 minutes later, they tweeted that the were updating advice to ban meeting in groups of 30


    38. Then they banned you from meeting more than 6 people


    39. But you can still go to the pub, 30 of you can attend a wedding or (more likely) a funeral, 30 of you get in a rugby scrum, and you can sit on a packed train carriage with 80 other people


    40. Oh, and obviously, grouse-shooting is exempt. After all, what are we: French!?


    41. And the new ban didn’t start for a week, and excluded the St Leger horse racing meet, where 3640 people crowded together making money for The Jockey Club; and isn’t it amazing that Matt Hancock is MP for Newmarket, where his major donors The Jockey Club are based?


    42. So now the R number (which Boris Johnson was "absolutely committed to keeping below 1") is at 1.7


    43. Matt Hancock made a big deal of £60k compensation for families of NHS workers who died fighting Covid. The govt simultaneously stopped all their benefits


    44. Hancock then started a scheme to financially support those forced to self-isolate, paying them up to (that’s “up to”) £13 a day


    45. In preparation for the forthcoming homelessness epidemic, Tory councils voted to fine people £1000 for being too poor have anywhere to sleep


    46. The govt said it was "ramping up to 150k tests a fortnight" 3 months after they claimed they were doing "over 100k tests a week"


    47. Matt Hancock said he was changing the law to allow nurses to give flu vaccinations, unaware nurses already give over 93% of flu vaccinations


    48. Then he launched a campaign to fight obesity, and immediately closed the agency responsible for delivering it


    49. And then he advertised for a person to replace the head of Public Health England. The advert said no experience in health is required. In a pandemic.


    50. The govt announced Operation Moonshot!, an exciting-sounding £100bn plan to test 10m people a day using technology that doesn’t exist, delivered by the people behind the PPE crisis, Brexit, Gavin Williamson, and Chris Grayling literally failing his own intelligence test


    51. Meanwhile, we ran out of home testing kits


    52. Then more shortages led us sending people on 500-mile round trips for a Covid test, in what experts have dubbed “the full Cummings Experience”


    53. Six months after the first case in the UK, despite having diligently spent over £1bn on contracts with sweet suppliers and dormant companies with no employees, the UK still is not capable of producing a single piece of hospital-standard PPE


    54. Researchers from King’s College London found Tories “employed overt disinformation” with “new levels of impunity” in the 2019 General Election


    55. The govt was “formally warned for threatening press freedom” (putting us in the same classification as Russia) by the Council of Europe, which the UK co-founded in 1949 to protect human rights


    56. It was then reported Boris Johnson plans to opt out of human rights laws


    57. Meanwhile, a cross-party group of MPs is threatening to sue Boris Johnson if he continues to ignore calls for an enquiry into Russian interference in UK politics. People connected to the Putin regime paid £160k to play tennis with Boris Johnson


    58. The leader of Scottish Tories tweeted “I would have no hesitation in voting against any legislation which would allow chlorinated chicken or hormone-injected beef. That’s a categorical assurance.”


    59. He then voted to allow chlorinated chicken and hormone-injected beef


    60. The govt voted not to implement the recommendations of the Grenfell Tower enquiry


    61. The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions was quoted as saying “it is not my job to worry about people starving to death in the UK”


    62. The govt announced new Covid restrictions with a densely worded 10-page legal document, released at 11.38pm on Sunday night, just 22 minutes before police, hospitals, health officials, local councils, schools and businesses had to implement them


    63. The document ends: “no impact assessment has been done”, surprising nobody familiar with Brexit


    64. Environment news, and as a liveable world slips relentlessly from our grasp, the UK spent just £2000 – not a typo - tackling environmental damage to the British countryside


    65. They spent £46m (2300 times as much) telling us to get ready for a Brexit that didn’t happen


    66. And the Tory-appointed head of the Environment Agency endorsed proposals to weaken laws on the cleanliness of rivers, lakes and coastlines


    67. Meanwhile the Fisheries Minister posed "catching mackerel" with a rod that had no line in a sea that has no mackerel, and I had to order a fresh barrel of satire


    68. Nine months into Boris Johnson’s "levelling up" agenda, the gap between rich and poor pupils has grown 46%


    69. And finally, because no list of abject failure is complete without him, Chris Grayling literally resigned from Intelligence
    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

  2. #2

    I live on CUK

    scooterscot is a fount of knowledge

    scooterscot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Anywhere that is not broken Brexit Britain
    Posts
    22,120

    Default

    You forgot 'lied to the queen'
    "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience". Mark Twain

  3. #3

    Super poster

    Scruff - scorchio!

    Scruff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Leafy Surrey (Lahndahn Tahn)
    Posts
    3,513

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by darmstadt View Post
    The last couple of weeks summarised for those who don't read the news or watch it on TV:

    Deep breath…


    1. Theresa May couldn’t agree a Withdrawal Agreement (WI) because – in news that will shock the millions who warned about this – it’s impossible due do without accepting EU rules, or harming NI, or breaking up the UK, or crippling the economy, or all of the above


    2. Nevertheless, Boris Johnson agreed a WA from the EU


    3. Then Tories voted to accelerate the Withdrawal Agreement through parliament, specifically so it wouldn’t have to face scrutiny


    4. And Boris Johnson withdrew the whip – sacked – 21 Tories who didn’t support the delay


    5. Then he won an election by promising the WI was "oven-ready" and "brilliant"


    6. Later, in a massive shock, it was discovered the WA contains all the problems that prevented May from agreeing it


    7. So the govt announced it would just break the law and ignore its own treaty


    8. Each MP’s Oath of Allegiance includes "I will give my loyalty to the United Kingdom… uphold its democratic values … and observe laws faithfully"


    9. All 5 living ex-PM’s oppose this plan


    10. Every living ex-Tory leader opposes it (except IDS, but c’mon, it’s IDS)


    11. So now the govt which sacked 21 MPs for opposing the WI is threatening to sack any MPs who support the same WA


    12. The actual Police Minister said it’s OK to break the law


    13. The Lord Chancellor, Britain’s highest law officer, said it’s OK to break the law


    14. The Attorney General, responsible for advising the govt on legal matters, said it’s OK to break the law


    15. The Lord Chancellor and Attorney General are barristers, and the Bar Council guidelines say you will be struck-off if you "knowingly advise a client to break the law"


    16. Same day, Foreign Secretary and irony no-fly-zone Dominic Raab said Iran "must comply with its legal commitments and treaties"


    17. Gavin Williamson and Mark Francois were nominated for the MP Of The Year Award


    18. This was the last known sighting of Mark Francois


    19. Michael Gove said in a July speech "failures of policy and judgement", are generating a "crisis of authority" and "Politicians like me must take responsibility for the effect of their actions"


    20. Gavin Williamson is still in his job


    21. But the head of Ofqual was sacked


    22. And the most senior education civil servant had to stand down


    23. In fact, resignations by senior civil servants are up 14% in a year


    24. But 44% of new senior appointments are personal friends of Michael Gove, in one of those amazing coincidence things


    25. Other amazing coincidences, a sub-thread:


    a. Public First, a company led by Govt and Cummings associates, was handed a contract to help Ofqual with the exams fiasco. The contract wasn’t put out to tender


    b. Gove appointed ex-girlfriend Simone Finn as adviser to Cabinet Office. Finn immediately paid her own company to "shake up the Cabinet Office"


    c. Gove handed a contract (without tender) to PWC, a company that pays him £5000 per hour to give speeches


    d. Gove gave £21k to Signal AI, a company associated with Gove and Cummings, to ask Tunisians what they think about Covid


    e. Faculty AI, associated with Gove and Cummings, got £400k to analyse tweets by UK citizens. So if I vanish one dark night, tell my family I tolerated them

    f. And another contract went to the cousin of Tory MP Tom Tugendhat to "analyse the awarding of govt contracts", which is like a spiral, wrapped inside a Möbius strip, encased in a corkscrew, and tethered to a twat


    26. Anyway, back to the fun: Home Secretary and Nurse Ratchet cosplayer Priti Patel authorised “more painful” Taser guns, clearly anticipating more determined rioters


    27. She then abandoned a deportation flight after it was found every passenger had leave to stay in the UK


    28. Matt Hancock said we should get back to work as there is "little evidence" coronavirus is passed on in offices, having seen Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings catch coronavirus in their office


    29. Then he voted for himself to continue to work remotely for 11 more weeks


    30. Tories told us to lose weight


    31. Then they paid us to go and eat out


    32. Then they told us face-masks were essential


    33. But not in schools


    34. Then they were essential in schools


    35. Then they told us to keep social distancing


    36. Then they held a meeting of 50 PMs in a room with a capacity for 29


    37. Then only 8 minutes later, they tweeted that the were updating advice to ban meeting in groups of 30


    38. Then they banned you from meeting more than 6 people


    39. But you can still go to the pub, 30 of you can attend a wedding or (more likely) a funeral, 30 of you get in a rugby scrum, and you can sit on a packed train carriage with 80 other people


    40. Oh, and obviously, grouse-shooting is exempt. After all, what are we: French!?


    41. And the new ban didn’t start for a week, and excluded the St Leger horse racing meet, where 3640 people crowded together making money for The Jockey Club; and isn’t it amazing that Matt Hancock is MP for Newmarket, where his major donors The Jockey Club are based?


    42. So now the R number (which Boris Johnson was "absolutely committed to keeping below 1") is at 1.7


    43. Matt Hancock made a big deal of £60k compensation for families of NHS workers who died fighting Covid. The govt simultaneously stopped all their benefits


    44. Hancock then started a scheme to financially support those forced to self-isolate, paying them up to (that’s “up to”) £13 a day


    45. In preparation for the forthcoming homelessness epidemic, Tory councils voted to fine people £1000 for being too poor have anywhere to sleep


    46. The govt said it was "ramping up to 150k tests a fortnight" 3 months after they claimed they were doing "over 100k tests a week"


    47. Matt Hancock said he was changing the law to allow nurses to give flu vaccinations, unaware nurses already give over 93% of flu vaccinations


    48. Then he launched a campaign to fight obesity, and immediately closed the agency responsible for delivering it


    49. And then he advertised for a person to replace the head of Public Health England. The advert said no experience in health is required. In a pandemic.


    50. The govt announced Operation Moonshot!, an exciting-sounding £100bn plan to test 10m people a day using technology that doesn’t exist, delivered by the people behind the PPE crisis, Brexit, Gavin Williamson, and Chris Grayling literally failing his own intelligence test


    51. Meanwhile, we ran out of home testing kits


    52. Then more shortages led us sending people on 500-mile round trips for a Covid test, in what experts have dubbed “the full Cummings Experience”


    53. Six months after the first case in the UK, despite having diligently spent over £1bn on contracts with sweet suppliers and dormant companies with no employees, the UK still is not capable of producing a single piece of hospital-standard PPE


    54. Researchers from King’s College London found Tories “employed overt disinformation” with “new levels of impunity” in the 2019 General Election


    55. The govt was “formally warned for threatening press freedom” (putting us in the same classification as Russia) by the Council of Europe, which the UK co-founded in 1949 to protect human rights


    56. It was then reported Boris Johnson plans to opt out of human rights laws


    57. Meanwhile, a cross-party group of MPs is threatening to sue Boris Johnson if he continues to ignore calls for an enquiry into Russian interference in UK politics. People connected to the Putin regime paid £160k to play tennis with Boris Johnson


    58. The leader of Scottish Tories tweeted “I would have no hesitation in voting against any legislation which would allow chlorinated chicken or hormone-injected beef. That’s a categorical assurance.”


    59. He then voted to allow chlorinated chicken and hormone-injected beef


    60. The govt voted not to implement the recommendations of the Grenfell Tower enquiry


    61. The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions was quoted as saying “it is not my job to worry about people starving to death in the UK”


    62. The govt announced new Covid restrictions with a densely worded 10-page legal document, released at 11.38pm on Sunday night, just 22 minutes before police, hospitals, health officials, local councils, schools and businesses had to implement them


    63. The document ends: “no impact assessment has been done”, surprising nobody familiar with Brexit


    64. Environment news, and as a liveable world slips relentlessly from our grasp, the UK spent just £2000 – not a typo - tackling environmental damage to the British countryside


    65. They spent £46m (2300 times as much) telling us to get ready for a Brexit that didn’t happen


    66. And the Tory-appointed head of the Environment Agency endorsed proposals to weaken laws on the cleanliness of rivers, lakes and coastlines


    67. Meanwhile the Fisheries Minister posed "catching mackerel" with a rod that had no line in a sea that has no mackerel, and I had to order a fresh barrel of satire


    68. Nine months into Boris Johnson’s "levelling up" agenda, the gap between rich and poor pupils has grown 46%


    69. And finally, because no list of abject failure is complete without him, Chris Grayling literally resigned from Intelligence
    Post of the year.
    I was an IPSE Consultative Council Member, until the BoD abolished it. I am not an IPSE Member, since they have no longer have any relevance to me, as an IT Contractor. Read my lips...I recommend QDOS for ALL your Insurance requirements (Contact me for a referral code).

  4. #4

    More fingers than teeth

    darmstadt is a fount of knowledge

    darmstadt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    The Eurozone
    Posts
    18,865

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Scruff View Post
    Post of the year.
    Sadly I didn't think of all this myself...cheers. For those who have difficulty reading, here's a picture:

    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

  5. #5

    Double Godlike!

    Mordac is a fount of knowledge

    Mordac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Civilisation-ish
    Posts
    10,255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by darmstadt View Post
    The last couple of weeks summarised for those who don't read the news or watch it on TV:

    Deep breath…

    (A long list of things which mostly didn't happen in the last couple of weeks)
    How long does it take for anti-British propaganda to reach Germany these days?
    Great speech by your new Leader btw, it makes one wish one could have voted for her.
    His heart is in the right place - shame we can't say the same about his brain...

  6. #6

    I live on CUK

    Old Greg is always on top

    Old Greg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    The Tombliboo Bush
    Posts
    27,128

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mordac View Post
    How long does it take for anti-British propaganda to reach Germany these days?
    Great speech by your new Leader btw, it makes one wish one could have voted for her.
    The British government produces anti-British propaganda most days and it's available quickly around the world by the wonders of technology. No need to wait for the steam packet to bring the Times nowadays.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bean
    I admit that I'm a lazy lying cretin, but so what?
    25 June 2018

  7. #7

    Double Godlike!

    Mordac is a fount of knowledge

    Mordac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Civilisation-ish
    Posts
    10,255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Old Greg View Post
    The British government produces anti-British propaganda most days and it's available quickly around the world by the wonders of technology. No need to wait for the steam packet to bring the Times nowadays.
    I can't disagree with any of this, but he's clearly ripped off a list compiled by someone with some wit. There's no way Darmy came up with that on his own, some of it goes back years. If he gets Post Of The Year for that, it'll be a disgrace, I tell you...
    His heart is in the right place - shame we can't say the same about his brain...

  8. #8

    More fingers than teeth

    darmstadt is a fount of knowledge

    darmstadt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    The Eurozone
    Posts
    18,865

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by darmstadt View Post
    Sadly I didn't think of all this myself...cheers. For those who have difficulty reading, here's a picture:
    Quote Originally Posted by Mordac View Post
    I can't disagree with any of this, but he's clearly ripped off a list compiled by someone with some wit. There's no way Darmy came up with that on his own, some of it goes back years. If he gets Post Of The Year for that, it'll be a disgrace, I tell you...
    Which bits go back years?

    If I did one fully original I would probably get banned.
    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

  9. #9

    More fingers than teeth

    darmstadt is a fount of knowledge

    darmstadt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    The Eurozone
    Posts
    18,865

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mordac View Post
    How long does it take for anti-British propaganda to reach Germany these days?
    Great speech by your new Leader btw, it makes one wish one could have voted for her.
    So telling the truth is now anti-British propaganda, maybe you should move to North Korea...
    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

  10. #10

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran has reached the peak. Play again?

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    35,413

    Default alternative list

    1. Invade Belgium.
    2. Invade France.
    3. lose
    4. Wait a couple of decades
    5. Invade czechoslovakia
    6. Invade Poland
    7. Lose
    8. Join EU
    9.....
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •