Do you wish that you had written this? Do you wish that you had written this?
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  1. #1

    I Am Legend

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    Default Do you wish that you had written this?

    Subject: Passport Application


    Dear Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
    understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
    telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
    in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and
    on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
    Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video
    I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet
    you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were
    with contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. Detector van can tell if my T.V.is on, what channel I
    am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win
    the government run lottery they have no idea Ihave won or where I am and
    will keep the bloody money to themselves ifI fail to claim in good time.

    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the
    one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years.
    It's on my health Insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four
    passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've
    had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the
    last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done
    every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete,
    by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
    Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her
    maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be
    absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
    between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application
    to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you
    have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I
    look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's
    sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy
    beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
    get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one.
    AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so
    complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the
    issue of a new passport the same day? But noooo, that'd be too damn easy
    and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place
    like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm
    that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... The one where
    we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the
    process!

    Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
    years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security
    clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats
    away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first
    Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross
    ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone
    'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor...

    Who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
    PAKISTAN...

    Yours sincerely,
    An Irate British Citizen.

  2. #2

    Super poster

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    Oh yes....next.
    "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier"

  3. #3

    Lord of Ruin

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    So true, it isn't even funny

    To renew my shotgun certificate I had to get my doctor to sign the application/photograph.
    He speaks English barely, Is Asian and has been living and working in the UK for eight years.
    They would not accept the signature of my long time business associate, who is a company director, of a company that carries out contract work for the Royal Navy, on warships and Submarines. Who served in the Royal Navy for 25 years and was a magistrate for ten. He has known me for 27 years, the doctor has met me three times.

    Go figure
    Last edited by Diver; 18th March 2008 at 09:49. Reason: Braindead numbnut
    Confusion is a natural state of being

  4. #4

    I Am Legend

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diver View Post
    So true, it isn't even funny

    To renew my shotgun certificate I had to get my doctor to sign the application/photograph.
    He speaks English barely, Is Asian and has been living and working in the UK for eight years.
    They would not except the signature of my long time business associate, who is a company director, of a company that carries out contract work for the Royal Navy, on warships and Submarines. Who served in the Royal Navy for 25 years and was a magistrate for ten. He has known me for 27 years, the doctor has met me three times.

    Go figure
    They let YOU have a shotgun? have they read your posts in tpd?

  5. #5

    Lord of Ruin

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    Quote Originally Posted by BrilloPad View Post
    They let YOU have a shotgun? have they read your posts in tpd?
    Rowlocks
    Confusion is a natural state of being

  6. #6

    Bazzalike

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    Never mind reading his posts... do they not know he tried to saw himself in half
    Bazza gets caught
    Socrates - "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

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  7. #7

    Lord of Ruin

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    Quote Originally Posted by cailin maith View Post
    Never mind reading his posts... do they not know he tried to saw himself in half
    Thank you CM.

    Now as a wise man once said, Get yer backside into the kitchen and put the kettle on
    Confusion is a natural state of being

  8. #8

    Bazzalike

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diver View Post
    Thank you CM.

    Now as a wise man once said, Get yer backside into the kitchen and put the kettle on
    One sugar or two my love?
    Bazza gets caught
    Socrates - "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

    CUK University Challenge Champions 2010

  9. #9

    Faqqed Off

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    Quote Originally Posted by cailin maith View Post
    Never mind reading his posts... do they not know he tried to saw himself in half
    Now that's magic!
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  10. #10

    Lord of Ruin

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    What is this! Kick a cripple day

    Me and poor Heather
    Confusion is a natural state of being

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