Cracking The Human Resources Code. Cracking The Human Resources Code.
Posts 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1

    (_?_)

    HairyArsedBloke is good enough for Jehovah!

    HairyArsedBloke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Pining for the tropics
    Posts
    7,091

    Default Cracking The Human Resources Code.

    Stolen from The Ranting Penguin blog.

    “COMPETITIVE SALARY”
    Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

    "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
    We have no time to train you.

    "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
    You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

    "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
    Your first four projects are already way overdue.

    "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
    Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

    "DUTIES WILL VARY"
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
    We have no quality control.

    "CAREER-MINDED"
    Female applicants must be childless.

    "APPLY IN PERSON"
    If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

    "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
    This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by
    some executive's nephew.

    "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
    Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

    "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
    This company is a total mess.

    "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
    You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the
    pay, title or respect.

    "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
    Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many
    questions and get the tulip done.
    How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

    Follow me on Twitter - LinkedIn Profile - The HAB blog - New Blog: Mad Cameron
    Xeno points: +5 - Asperger rating: 36 - Paranoid Schizophrenic rating: 44%

    "We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to high office" - Aesop

  2. #2

    Contractor Among Contractors

    PM-Junkie has no reputation

    PM-Junkie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    1,729

    Default

    "FUN, VIBRANT ENVIRONMENT"
    If you're over 30, don't bother.
    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? - Epicurus

  3. #3

    Party Animal

    Zippy has more data than eek

    Zippy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Mr Flibble's wardrobe
    Posts
    20,670

    Default

    "DYNAMIC"
    We're all running around like headless chickens and you will be too

  4. #4

    Banned

    TykeMerc 's job has never been outsourced


    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Atlantis
    Posts
    8,066

    Default

    All totally valid. Can add this one to the list

    "NO BLAME CULTURE"
    When things go t1t5 up you will carry the can and be reminded of it every minute of the day for the next 5 years at least.

  5. #5

    Should post faster

    Evil Hangover has no reputation

    Evil Hangover's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    194

    Default

    Be able to "HIT THE GROUND RUNNING"
    You're on you own. We don't know or care about your project

  6. #6

    Contractor Among Contractors

    PM-Junkie has no reputation

    PM-Junkie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    1,729

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Evil Hangover View Post
    Be able to "HIT THE GROUND RUNNING"
    You're on you own. We don't know or care about your project
    ....until it misses deadlines we haven't told you about, unless you can find them out for yourself by talking to people we can't be bothered to talk to.
    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? - Epicurus

  7. #7

    Contractor Among Contractors

    Shimano105 has no reputation

    Shimano105's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,064

    Default

    "Fun and Funky new media digital agency"
    Balding, pony-tailed, retro-70s-specced, poncy types who are all style and no substance. Yah.

  8. #8

    What a muppet!

    Gonzo is a permanent contractor

    Gonzo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    In the future.
    Posts
    5,999

    Default

    ""FAST PACED DYNAMIC ENVIRONMENT"
    We never get anything right the first time.

  9. #9

    Fingers like lightning

    eliquant has no reputation

    eliquant's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    In a halfway house between reality and fantasy
    Posts
    796

    Default

    "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
    We will lure you into a false sense of security taking note of any non formal behaviour so that we can then use it against you in the future when we want to sack you.

    "DUTIES WILL VARY"
    You will be expected to jump through hoops on demand and there is no training budget for these types of activities.

    "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
    If you get something wrong by mis-understanding we will blame you and/or sack you.


    "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
    The boss is an idiot and he needs to repeat what work you have achieved parrot fashion to his boss because he doesn't quite understand the details of what you have accomplished.

    "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
    You are our slave, you will never see your kids, your wife will divorce you, your friends will forget you, you will suffer from entropy and other health issues as you work yourself into a grave for some guy who wants a promotion / large bonus this year.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •