Oh dear..Innit ?
I recently had the misfortune to meet some new relatives of mine at a get together last weekend. I say new, not in the sense that they had just been created, but new in the sense that I had never met them before, and quite frankly, hope never to meet them again.
I think they are nephews and nieces....to be honest I could never get my head around anything more complicated than single moves up and down the family tree. When it starts going sideways and down and then left a bit more, I'm at a loss.
They are the children of the daughter of my father's brother's second wife.
They are both 14. and their names are Kaylee and Marcus.
So there we were, around my Dad's, celebrating his birthday with a few of the Family. Talking adult stuff. Like you do.
It was obvious the kids were getting bored and restless, so whilst I was roped in to fix Dad's computer, they decided to come in the study and chat to me.
Marcus asked we what I did for a living. I paused for a moment and decided to have a little fun at their expense, so I replied, "I work in local politics".
Half-expecting them to shut up and leave me alone, I was quite surprised with their sudden interest in the matter.
"Are you one of those MP fings?", Kayleeeeeeeeee asked ?
"I suppose I might be yes", I replied.
"That's kewl ! Coz me and my mum, right, we live in a flat right, with me and Marcus, right, and she's 'aving anuvver baby and stuff, so like the social are supposed to get her a bigger house right, and I was wondering,like, if you can sort it out for her and stuff ?", Kayleeeeeeee asked.
I laughed and said "well, as an MP I have to represent my constituents and show equanimity and fairness to all of them, otherwise I would be accused of showing favourites."
Kaylee mulled this profound statement around her tiny head. I really could hear the cogs whirring.
"It a'int like that or nuffink, coz we won't grass you up, right, and 'sides, you is family innit ?" she concluded, with a winning smile.
"Well", I replied, "I'd get in to trouble if I helped out your mum like that".
Once again, the cogs of cognizance whirred and clunked, until she came up with her next statement.
"So, if you can't 'elp me mum, then what about me ? I was finking it'd be nice to have a baybeeeeee and stuff, so like I'd need a place of me own for the baybeee."
I was gobsmacked. Were the only two remaining braincells in her head imprinted both with the words "me me me" on them ?
I quickly changed the subject to engage Marcus, who hadn't said a single word. He was playing his new Nintendo DS-thing on headphones. Not a bad present for a family on the social. I waved my hand in front of him and he reluctantly took of his headphones.
"Is the game any good ?", I asked
"Yeah", he grunted.
"What's it about ?", I inquired.
"Dunno. You gotta kill aliens and stuff", he said.
"Wow, a DS...that's a mighty cool toy", I said, adding "I wish I had one of those".
Marcus seemed to like the fact that I envied his possession, and he opened up a bit more.
"Yeah, me dad got it for me from a bloke down the pub. It come with 10 games and stuff and a case and headphones. It's well smart", he beamed.
"Nice", said I. "So, Kaylee tells me that your mum is having another baby ?"
"Dunno. Is she ?", he replied.
For the second time that night, I was speechless.
Kaylee interjected at this point.
"I told ya last week, when you were playing that racing game and stuff, and you crashed in to the barrier fing, and slapped me, remember ?" she said to Marcus.
"Oh yeah", he said, "I was well on the way to winning that race, you chav"
Well, here was a revelation. Chavs might know that they are Chavs, they may even revel in the name, but they don't like being called Chav's. Time for an Americanism. Go Figure.
" 'ees an MP fing", she said to Marcus.
"Kewl", said Marcus. "I wanna be one of them when I leave school and stuff", he replied.
"Well, we all live in a fair society, and there are opportunities for everyone", I said, somewhat with my tongue-in-cheek, aping the Great Leader.
"No we f*****g don't", said Kaylee.
"How do you mean ?", I asked.
"Right, coz there's this lady, yeah, and she's a real slapper, right, and she's got 6 kids like, and she gets £300 quid more than me mum a month on social." Kaylee replied.
Right, so fairness is judged on not what opportunities are presented to you, but how much others have compared to you, I thought to myself.
I nodded my head in mock sympathy.
But the person I felt the most sorry for, wasn't even there.
I recently had the misfortune to meet some new relatives of mine at a get together last weekend. I say new, not in the sense that they had just been created, but new in the sense that I had never met them before, and quite frankly, hope never to meet them again.
I think they are nephews and nieces....to be honest I could never get my head around anything more complicated than single moves up and down the family tree. When it starts going sideways and down and then left a bit more, I'm at a loss.
They are the children of the daughter of my father's brother's second wife.
They are both 14. and their names are Kaylee and Marcus.
So there we were, around my Dad's, celebrating his birthday with a few of the Family. Talking adult stuff. Like you do.
It was obvious the kids were getting bored and restless, so whilst I was roped in to fix Dad's computer, they decided to come in the study and chat to me.
Marcus asked we what I did for a living. I paused for a moment and decided to have a little fun at their expense, so I replied, "I work in local politics".
Half-expecting them to shut up and leave me alone, I was quite surprised with their sudden interest in the matter.
"Are you one of those MP fings?", Kayleeeeeeeeee asked ?
"I suppose I might be yes", I replied.
"That's kewl ! Coz me and my mum, right, we live in a flat right, with me and Marcus, right, and she's 'aving anuvver baby and stuff, so like the social are supposed to get her a bigger house right, and I was wondering,like, if you can sort it out for her and stuff ?", Kayleeeeeeee asked.
I laughed and said "well, as an MP I have to represent my constituents and show equanimity and fairness to all of them, otherwise I would be accused of showing favourites."
Kaylee mulled this profound statement around her tiny head. I really could hear the cogs whirring.
"It a'int like that or nuffink, coz we won't grass you up, right, and 'sides, you is family innit ?" she concluded, with a winning smile.
"Well", I replied, "I'd get in to trouble if I helped out your mum like that".
Once again, the cogs of cognizance whirred and clunked, until she came up with her next statement.
"So, if you can't 'elp me mum, then what about me ? I was finking it'd be nice to have a baybeeeeee and stuff, so like I'd need a place of me own for the baybeee."
I was gobsmacked. Were the only two remaining braincells in her head imprinted both with the words "me me me" on them ?
I quickly changed the subject to engage Marcus, who hadn't said a single word. He was playing his new Nintendo DS-thing on headphones. Not a bad present for a family on the social. I waved my hand in front of him and he reluctantly took of his headphones.
"Is the game any good ?", I asked
"Yeah", he grunted.
"What's it about ?", I inquired.
"Dunno. You gotta kill aliens and stuff", he said.
"Wow, a DS...that's a mighty cool toy", I said, adding "I wish I had one of those".
Marcus seemed to like the fact that I envied his possession, and he opened up a bit more.
"Yeah, me dad got it for me from a bloke down the pub. It come with 10 games and stuff and a case and headphones. It's well smart", he beamed.
"Nice", said I. "So, Kaylee tells me that your mum is having another baby ?"
"Dunno. Is she ?", he replied.
For the second time that night, I was speechless.
Kaylee interjected at this point.
"I told ya last week, when you were playing that racing game and stuff, and you crashed in to the barrier fing, and slapped me, remember ?" she said to Marcus.
"Oh yeah", he said, "I was well on the way to winning that race, you chav"
Well, here was a revelation. Chavs might know that they are Chavs, they may even revel in the name, but they don't like being called Chav's. Time for an Americanism. Go Figure.
" 'ees an MP fing", she said to Marcus.
"Kewl", said Marcus. "I wanna be one of them when I leave school and stuff", he replied.
"Well, we all live in a fair society, and there are opportunities for everyone", I said, somewhat with my tongue-in-cheek, aping the Great Leader.
"No we f*****g don't", said Kaylee.
"How do you mean ?", I asked.
"Right, coz there's this lady, yeah, and she's a real slapper, right, and she's got 6 kids like, and she gets £300 quid more than me mum a month on social." Kaylee replied.
Right, so fairness is judged on not what opportunities are presented to you, but how much others have compared to you, I thought to myself.
I nodded my head in mock sympathy.
But the person I felt the most sorry for, wasn't even there.
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