Elderly parents... Elderly parents...
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  1. #1

    Ddraig Goch

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    Default Elderly parents...

    Stressful is not the word.

    Me old man is 78, disabled, partially-sighted lives on his own 25 miles from me. Considering all things he gets on ok and happy.

    Financially, hes well secure. Decent pension, and decent wad of savings. Certainly more than he'll ever spend.

    But there's the problem. His flat is decent enough apart from the contents. The bugger just won't spend any money. He's got 2nd hand/free furniture that's falling apart. Until recently his carpet was threadbare, the walls dirty and well overdue for re-painting.

    Took me ages to talk him into a new carpet and to get the place painted. Now his furniture is literally falling apart - he's got a wardrobe in his bedroom that I think is pre-1st world war!!!!!! Its getting to point where its starting to look like a squat.

    His savings are like monopoly money to him. Its just there not to be spent. I try to argue that, at his age, he should be spending it to make himself comfortable. His argument is:-

    1. What's the point at his age.
    2. He didn't have money when he was young so he doesn't want to waste it now.
    3. He's keeping it 'just in case'. (for what I dont know)

    He really has no touch on reality especially how much things cost. He's got no idea how much I earn - he still thinks £100 a week is a decent weekly wage (I do try to tell him the people in McDs get much more than this on minimum wage). Spending is even worse - took him away one weekend (that was a nightmare) to watch cricket - he went on for ages how he thought the little food hut at the venue should be prosecuted for ripping people off because the ham sandwiches cost £2. Obviously, never been to the O2 in London!

    On the other side, MIL has blown £20K that was saved since he husband died 5 years or so ago on crap (really expensive new carpets because she was 'bored' with the old ones, new bathroom again because she was bored, way over the top xmas and birthday presents). Just taken redundancy and she's already got plans for the £4K - all of it on some expensive house purchase that she doesn't need again. Her attitude is when its gone its gone, the kids can look after me. This attitude pisses me off for the opposite reason....
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  2. #2

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    Speaking as someone that has lost his father, make the best of this time because it's never going to come again. Keep it in perspective and take it for what it is, a lot of us are going to end up like that and there 'aint nothing you can do about it.

    My father-in-law is 86 and lives with us in a separate annex on the side of our house. Luckily he's physically OK, still does a bit of gardening etc but has no concept of money at all and no short term memory. He was a really top bloke in his time, won the Queen's award for export twice and is financially secure. He's still driving (just), but only ever goes to Tescos, if he goes anywhere else he gets lost.

    He moved in with us 18 months ago as my wife was driving 10 miles a day to look after him and his house was too large for him to manage. All things considered it's working out better than I ever expected but there are still lots of things that demand a whole lot of patience. Luckily for me my wife takes most of that on herself but she feels the pressure which is why we try and get weekends away, it's impossible for us to take a two week holiday for example.

    Do you have other brothers and sisters that could help out?
    ...my quagmire of greed....my cesspit of laziness and unfairness....all I am doing is sticking two fingers up at nurses, doctors and other hard working employed professionals...

  3. #3

    Ddraig Goch

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    Dont get me wrong. Love the old man to bits.

    Which is why I dont want to see him living in a tuliphole. I really dont see the point in having shedloads of money and struggling....
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  4. #4

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    And mine and the missus's parents. All loaded and they won't snuff it.

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  5. #5

    Ddraig Goch

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lockhouse View Post
    Speaking as someone that has lost his father, make the best of this time because it's never going to come again. Keep it in perspective and take it for what it is, a lot of us are going to end up like that and there 'aint nothing you can do about it.

    My father-in-law is 86 and lives with us in a separate annex on the side of our house. Luckily he's physically OK, still does a bit of gardening etc but has no concept of money at all and no short term memory. He was a really top bloke in his time, won the Queen's award for export twice and is financially secure. He's still driving (just), but only ever goes to Tescos, if he goes anywhere else he gets lost.

    He moved in with us 18 months ago as my wife was driving 10 miles a day to look after him and his house was too large for him to manage. All things considered it's working out better than I ever expected but there are still lots of things that demand a whole lot of patience. Luckily for me my wife takes most of that on herself but she feels the pressure which is why we try and get weekends away, it's impossible for us to take a two week holiday for example.

    Do you have other brothers and sisters that could help out?
    Lockie,

    Fair does to you. Looking after parents like that aint easy and to be applauded like.

    Im fortunate that my old man is pretty OK living on his own for the most part. He cooks, gets out and about a bit, and day to day is generally ok. Mentally hes fine for the most part.

    I tend to deal with some of his financial stuff/ arranging stuff. Anything to do with the flat I tend to arrange for him - its not like hes got to go out and sort it out himself.

    BUT, like I said, he wont spend money AT ALL if he can help it. There's only so much I can do to coerce him into getting stuff sorted. He'd rather make himself ill struggling with what hes got than spend a few quid to make things easier. Unfortunately, his friends are the same as him.

    If he didnt have the money, I'd pay for whatever. But he has - he must be the only pensioner whos got loads spare every week after his pension. In fact, if I ever paid for something for him he'd go nuts!

    FORGOT TO MENTION BROTHER: Completely useless tulipe who cant even manage his own life. Lives 5 mins away and rarely visits. Financial mental age of a 6 year old. Many financial issues such as bankrupcy/HMRC issues over the years. Waste of time he is.
    Last edited by psychocandy; 19th October 2012 at 11:18.
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  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by zeitghost View Post
    Tell me about it.

    One 92. Compos mentis but frail.

    Other 88. Not so compos mentis & frail.

    Now where did I put the arsenic?
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  7. #7

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    Can you marry off your Father to the Mother-Out-Law?

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by psychocandy View Post
    Dont get me wrong. Love the old man to bits.

    Which is why I dont want to see him living in a tuliphole. I really dont see the point in having shedloads of money and struggling....
    So why not pay for it yourself, tell him you have a present for him and get the stuff sorted even if your not in the will just do it as a kind gesture to make his last years more comfortable then when he is gone you will know you did all you could

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by psychocandy View Post
    Lockie,
    Im fortunate that my old man is pretty OK living on his own for the most part. He cooks, gets out and about a bit, and day to day is generally ok. Mentally hes fine for the most part.

    I tend to deal with some of his financial stuff/ arranging stuff. Anything to do with the flat I tend to arrange for him - its not like hes got to go out and sort it out himself.

    BUT, like I said, he wont spend money AT ALL if he can help it. There's only so much I can do to coerce him into getting stuff sorted. He'd rather make himself ill struggling with what hes got than spend a few quid to make things easier. Unfortunately, his friends are the same as him.

    If he didnt have the money, I'd pay for whatever. But he has - he must be the only pensioner whos got loads spare every week after his pension. In fact, if I ever paid for something for him he'd go nuts!

    FORGOT TO MENTION BROTHER: Completely useless tulipe who cant even manage his own life. Lives 5 mins away and rarely visits. Financial mental age of a 6 year old. Many financial issues such as bankrupcy/HMRC issues over the years. Waste of time he is.
    It's not likely he'll change then. We had a bit of that type of thing in the first place so we started by saying stuff like "you have to have it and if you don't buy it, we'll get it for you" or "I'll buy it and you pay me back" - and then just go and buy it for him so he felt he had to pay for it. Eventually it got easier but what made the real difference was when he realised that he could no longer cope entirely on his own.

    We have similar brother issues so you have my sympathies on that score.
    ...my quagmire of greed....my cesspit of laziness and unfairness....all I am doing is sticking two fingers up at nurses, doctors and other hard working employed professionals...

  10. #10

    More fingers than teeth

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    I haven't seen my old man for ages but we kind of keep in contact. He got the barmaid in his local pregnant some time ago so had to marry her so I have a stepbrother who is over 25 years younger then me. He's still working well into his 70's and I know that in the past year he's been working in Russia, Serbia, Ghana, South Korea, Denmark and Bulgaria just to name a few and I still have no clue what he does.
    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

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