Risk analysis Risk analysis
Posts 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Risk analysis

  1. #1

    Respect my authoritah!

    NotAllThere is always on top

    NotAllThere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Far away from HMRC
    Posts
    20,817

    Default Risk analysis

    Received this from one of my more eccentric colleagues. Redacted to protect the guilty:

    Risk Assessment:

    The upgrade will have no impact on user training. The reports are used as a measure of management performance and have no relevancy to product quality or operational procedures. However, the reports do impact the compensation of certain key management personnel. Incorrect reporting could result in the loss of the performance based compensation for these managers. This could result in these key managers seeking employment outside the company.

    The resulting loss of these key managers could have a severe negative impact on the earnings of the <the company> as well as poor product performance, which could lead to regulatory inspections, warnings, large fines and plant shutdowns. The above would cause a severe financial strain on <the company> resulting in bankruptcy and company failure.

    The failure of <the company> could cause a loss of investor and public confidence in the global healthcare industry which could lead to its entire worldwide collapse. Such a failure would result in the rapid decline in health of the global human population. The resulting decline would lead to waves of global pandemics, which would wipe out the human race.

    With the loss of its major biological competitor, the African Killer Bee would become the dominant life form on earth. Over time, the killer bee would experience a significant increase in intelligence. Unfortunately, the bee would not develop the necessary manual dexterity to appreciably impact its environment. This would prevent the bee from developing the means to protect the earth from being struck by a large comet or asteroid.

    The resulting strike by a large enough comet or asteroid could result in the destruction of the earth scattering debris throughout the Solar system. A sufficiently large piece of the earth could strike Jupiter resulting in knocking Jupiter into a collision course with the Sun. The resulting stellar explosion could result in the warping of the space-time continuum leading to the collapse and destruction of the universe.
    Duct tape holds the universe together. In quantum chromodynamics it's known as the strong force. You get it in different colours, but metallic grey is best.

  2. #2

    My post count is Majestic

    MarillionFan is a fount of knowledge

    MarillionFan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    .
    Posts
    35,762

    Default

    So do you want me to pass it or not then?
    What happens in General, stays in General.
    You know what they say about assumptions!

  3. #3

    Obstinate Git

    Mich the Tester is NOT a disguised employee

    Mich the Tester's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Euroland
    Posts
    27,890

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NotAllThere View Post
    Received this from one of my more eccentric colleagues. Redacted to protect the guilty:

    Risk Assessment:

    The upgrade will have no impact on user training. The reports are used as a measure of management performance and have no relevancy to product quality or operational procedures. However, the reports do impact the compensation of certain key management personnel. Incorrect reporting could result in the loss of the performance based compensation for these managers. This could result in these key managers seeking employment outside the company.

    The resulting loss of these key managers could have a severe negative impact on the earnings of the <the company> as well as poor product performance, which could lead to regulatory inspections, warnings, large fines and plant shutdowns. The above would cause a severe financial strain on <the company> resulting in bankruptcy and company failure.

    The failure of <the company> could cause a loss of investor and public confidence in the global healthcare industry which could lead to its entire worldwide collapse. Such a failure would result in the rapid decline in health of the global human population. The resulting decline would lead to waves of global pandemics, which would wipe out the human race.

    With the loss of its major biological competitor, the African Killer Bee would become the dominant life form on earth. Over time, the killer bee would experience a significant increase in intelligence. Unfortunately, the bee would not develop the necessary manual dexterity to appreciably impact its environment. This would prevent the bee from developing the means to protect the earth from being struck by a large comet or asteroid.

    The resulting strike by a large enough comet or asteroid could result in the destruction of the earth scattering debris throughout the Solar system. A sufficiently large piece of the earth could strike Jupiter resulting in knocking Jupiter into a collision course with the Sun. The resulting stellar explosion could result in the warping of the space-time continuum leading to the collapse and destruction of the universe.
    I would.
    And what exactly is wrong with an "ad hominem" argument? Dodgy Agent, 16-5-2014

  4. #4

    Double Godlike!

    original PM is a fount of knowledge

    original PM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Cheshire
    Posts
    12,077

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NotAllThere View Post
    Received this from one of my more eccentric colleagues. Redacted to protect the guilty:

    Risk Assessment:

    Blah snip

    The resulting loss of these key managers could have a severe negative impact on the earnings of the <the company> as well as poor product performance, which could lead to regulatory inspections, warnings, large fines and plant shutdowns. The above would cause a severe financial strain on <the company> resulting in bankruptcy and company failure.

    The failure snip.

    This bit is positively dripping with sarcasm I want to employ whoever wrote that!

  5. #5

    Obstinate Git

    Mich the Tester is NOT a disguised employee

    Mich the Tester's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Euroland
    Posts
    27,890

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by original PM View Post
    This bit is positively dripping with sarcasm I want to employ whoever wrote that!
    whs
    And what exactly is wrong with an "ad hominem" argument? Dodgy Agent, 16-5-2014

  6. #6

    TykeLike

    SimonMac is a fount of knowledge

    SimonMac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    God's Own Republic Of Yorkshire
    Posts
    23,183

    Default

    But can they do the upgrade on a Friday?
    “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

    ― Marcus Aurelius

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •