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  1. #1431

    I Am Legend


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    > A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory
    > where he had
    > been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the

    > compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the
    > dawn breaking for
    > the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he
    > thought. It wasn't
    > long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a

    > wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and
    > nibbling at the
    > lush grass.
    >
    > Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
    > just escaped.
    > Are you wild rabbits?"
    >
    > "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
    >
    > Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
    > It tasted so
    > good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
    >
    > "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots

    > growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
    >
    > This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
    > succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked
    > them again, "What
    > else do you do?"
    >
    > "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it.
    > We eat them as
    > well."
    >
    > The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while
    > later completely
    > full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of
    > the other
    > rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
    >
    > "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
    > there," he
    > said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're
    > girls. We shag
    > them. Go and try it."
    >
    > Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
    > little heart
    > out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
    >
    > "That was fantastic," he panted.
    >
    > "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
    >
    > "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
    >
    > The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why?
    > We thought you
    > liked it here."
    >
    > "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
    > laboratory. I'm
    > dying for a cigarette."

  2. #1432

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    Blonde's Medical Dictionary

    Anally -- occurring yearly
    Artery -- study of paintings
    Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
    Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
    Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
    Caesarean section -- district in Rome
    Cat scan -- searching for kitty
    Cauterise -- Made eye contact with her
    Colic -- sheep dog
    Coma -- a punctuation mark
    Congenital -- friendly
    D&C -- where Washington is
    Diarrhoea -- journal of daily events
    Dilate -- to live long
    Enema -- not a friend
    Fester -- quicker
    Fibula -- a small lie
    Genital -- non-Jewish
    G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
    Grippe -- suitcase
    Hangnail -- coathook
    Impotent -- distinguished, well known
    Intense pain -- torture in a tepee
    Labour pain -- got hurt at work
    Medical staff -- doctor's cane
    Morbid -- higher offer
    Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
    Node -- was aware of
    Outpatient -- person who had fainted
    Pap smear -- fatherhood test
    Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
    Post operative -- letter carrier
    Protein -- favouring young people
    Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
    Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
    Rheumatic -- amorous
    Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
    Secretion -- hiding anything
    Seizure -- Roman emperor
    Serology -- study of knighthood
    Tablet -- small tablet
    Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
    Tibia -- country in North Africa
    Tumour -- an extra pair
    Urine -- opposite of you're out
    Varicose -- located nearby
    Vein -- conceited

  3. #1433

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    A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
    order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

    "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

    The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch
    it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
    and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.

    "Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.

    "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.

    The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When
    he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
    in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had
    just eaten back into the bowl.

    "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

  4. #1434

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    THIS WACKY WORLD

    Fruit stall owner Giuseppe Scirrocco, who stopped paying taxes two years
    ago because he couldn't afford them, has been landed with a 12-billion
    lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill by officials in Milan, Italy.

    Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife Christina for more
    than
    two years because of the way she said "I do" at their wedding.
    Christina,
    from Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce.

    Police have decided not to prosecute Rashon Jackson, 19, after he phoned
    the emergency services to get directions to a bus station in New Jersey,
    US.

    A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because his wife Thelma
    organized a lottery -- with herself as the prize. After selling 600
    tickets at US$5 each in Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old
    man.

    Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since breaking his nose, that
    most of his street's residents in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to
    escape the noise.

    Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a refund after paying
    US$800
    to join a dating agency which had 300 women -- but just seven men.

    An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is preventing redundancies
    (layoffs) by paying its staff with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.

    Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink from the beer tanker
    he was driving. Police in Siberia found his legs sticking from the
    inspection cover.

    Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two
    stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cell-mates. Police
    said
    they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends.

    A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his trousers torn off -- by
    a
    lovesick lady orangutan! Ken Alrand had cared for Anna ever since she
    was
    rejected by her natural mother in infancy. But he never realised that
    she
    had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was cleaning Anna's enclosure in
    Aalborg, Denmark, she pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's
    obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So I'll keep my
    distance
    from now on."

    Six people taken to hospital from a reception in Moscow were injured by
    flying champagne corks.

    Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed for three days after he
    thought asteroids landed in his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were
    luminous balloons from a party 16 km away.

    Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because
    staff
    kept laughing at his big ears -- even when he threatened to shoot a
    cashier.

    A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The Cigarette Saboteur has
    taken to attacking people he sees smoking and forcing them to eat their
    remaining cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in six
    months.

    A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro [subway] in France fled
    in horror when his victim -- a transvestite -- flashed back.

    Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft in less than a week at
    Anchorage Airport in Alaska.

    A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300
    in coins.

    A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned when a cow wandered onto
    the fairway, deposited a cow-pat on the 17th green and then chased the
    players.

    Raindancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with manslaughter after six
    people died in a flood in Arcos, Brazil.

  5. #1435

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    OK ,here it is, the greatest formula ever, better then Plank's
    > Photo-electric Theorem, more useful then Einstein's Theory of
    > Relativity and less boring then Newton's, Boyle's and Rutherford's
    > ramblings. It essentially determines to what extent your bird
    > standards will fall while intoxicated in a social environments.
    >
    >
    >
    > U = S - L
    >
    > Where: L = (P x a) Ts / Tr x Wi
    >
    > Values
    > U = Ugly bird factor
    > S = Sober attraction factor (see text below)
    > L = Downward shift of Standards (to be subtracted from S)
    > P = Pints consumed
    > a = Strength of lager (see conversion table)
    > Ts = Time since last shag (months)
    > Tr = Time remaining at establishment(hours)
    > Wi = Number of witnesses present
    >
    > Conversion table for (a)
    > Hoffmeister/XXXX = .5
    > Fosters/Heineken = 1
    > Stella/Kronenbourg = 1.5
    > Exhibition Cider = 2.0
    >
    > Before you do anything you have to be brutally honest and decide a
    > figure (S) on a scale of 1 to 15 (budgieometer)as to what your
    > average
    > budgie pull is likely to look like while you are sober (1 being Jo
    > Brand through to 15 being Claudia Schiffer).
    >
    > The result of the formula (L) is the figure you MINUS from you sober
    > score(S) in order to obtain (U). The value (U) is then checked on
    > the
    > corresponding budgieometer. Hey presto, you have a value for your
    > birds ugliness. Although this formula is purely for statistical
    > purposes one usually finds their mates are highly calibrated
    > indicators.

  6. #1436

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    THE MINI SKIRT

    In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was
    waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt
    with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and
    it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
    too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first
    step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
    she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that
    this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
    make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the
    step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again
    reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
    second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
    she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy
    little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to
    give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
    About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
    picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step
    of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
    screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who
    you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would
    agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
    figured that we was friends."

  7. #1437

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    There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns,
    ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has
    eaten a few when the woman opposite says, "Would you mind not doing
    that, its disgusting to watch".
    He says, "Listen love, it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
    fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and
    carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
    eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to
    have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear
    whilst he's trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles.
    After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you
    stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got
    nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and
    I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's
    knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls
    the alarm cord. The man laughs "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for
    that!" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the
    police smell your fingers !".

  8. #1438

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    Name something a blind person might use - A sword
    Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
    Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
    Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
    Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
    Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
    Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
    Name something that floats in the bath - Water
    Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
    Name something red - My cardigan
    Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
    Name a famous royal - Mail
    Name a number you have to memorise - 7
    Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
    Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
    Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
    Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
    Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
    Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
    Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
    Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
    Name a sign of the zodiac - April
    Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
    Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
    Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
    Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
    Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
    Name something with a hole in it - A window
    Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
    Name a domestic animal - Leopard
    Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
    Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
    Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels

  9. #1439

    Double Godlike!

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    Quote Originally Posted by BrilloPad View Post
    Name something a blind person might use - A sword
    Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
    Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
    Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
    Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
    Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
    Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
    Name something that floats in the bath - Water
    Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
    Name something red - My cardigan
    Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
    Name a famous royal - Mail
    Name a number you have to memorise - 7
    Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
    Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
    Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
    Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
    Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
    Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
    Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
    Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
    Name a sign of the zodiac - April
    Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
    Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
    Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
    Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
    Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
    Name something with a hole in it - A window
    Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
    Name a domestic animal - Leopard
    Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
    Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
    Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels
    Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging

  10. #1440

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    Quote Originally Posted by oracleslave View Post
    Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging
    BrilloPad 1,005
    darmstadt 49
    Colemanisor 34
    daviejones 21

    well after 1000 posts what do you expect?

    ungrateful troll - how about a bt of gratitude/encouragement?

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