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  1. #491

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    A man wonders if having sex on Sunday is a sin because he is not sure if
    sex is work or play.

    So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After
    consulting the Bible, the priest says,

    "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is
    work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays"

    The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

    So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and
    experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the
    same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for Sunday.

    Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of
    years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
    states,

    "My son, sex is definitely play."

    The man replies, "Rabbi, can you be so sure when so many others tell me
    sex is work?"

    The Rabbi softly speaks,

    "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

  2. #492

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    An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,
    having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,
    throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass
    to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that
    we don't need to drink from the same one twice."


    The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
    glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces
    and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make
    the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
    either."


    The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
    throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South
    African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so
    many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to
    drink with the same ones twice".

  3. #493

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    Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns
    to the other and says,

    "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
    we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
    the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
    garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
    sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into
    bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL
    THIS?"......................

    His mate looks at him and says,

    "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
    the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes
    into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's bum and
    say, "How about a blow job??" and she's always sound asleep."

  4. #494

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    A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
    It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on
    the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please
    be careful!"

    "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing
    hundreds of them!"

  5. #495

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    An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
    pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
    basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
    swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
    been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard
    voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
    group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
    of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
    you leave!"

    The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or
    make you get out of the pond naked.

    "I only came to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill

  6. #496

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    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the
    woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
    "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely
    contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
    "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down.
    She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the
    playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
    back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
    off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
    laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and
    said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest
    of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell
    it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
    Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,
    laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same
    thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

  7. #497

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    One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
    street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs
    him and drags him into his office.

    The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,
    a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
    fall off.

    He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
    another one. The mime accepts the offer.

    So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
    gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
    sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds
    than he ever did as a mime on the street.

    However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging
    on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
    lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
    climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from
    the top of the lion's cage.
    Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end
    of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
    good attraction.

    Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
    crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

    Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he
    slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and
    prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the
    cage with the lion in hot pursuit.

    Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

    The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
    looking up at the angry lion.

    The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

  8. #498

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    1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    2. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

    3. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

    4. Hello! If you leave a message,I'll call you soon.If you leave a "sexy' message, I'll call sooner.

    5. "Hi! Now you say something."

    6. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

    7. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

    8. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call."

    9. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

    10. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    11. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

    12. "Hi. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."


    13. Hello, you've reached Rod and Lisa. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.Lisa likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it side to side... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

  9. #499

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    NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

    Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.

    You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.

    Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

    Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

    * Combat Jacket
    * Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
    * Tin helmet
    * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
    * Gas mask
    * Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
    * Rifle
    * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
    * Suntan oil

    If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

    We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

    There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

    * The Guns of Navarone
    * Kelly's Heroes
    * A Bridge too Far
    * The Longest Day
    * Apocalypse Now
    * The Matrix
    * Blazing Saddles
    * The Desert Song
    * Mary Poppins

    We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum or Zulu.

    To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

    Yours faithfully,


    Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
    A Bush - Blair Production
    Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III

  10. #500

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    A man calls his lawyers office.
    When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor,
    his lawyer.

    The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week."
    The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

    The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor.
    The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has
    died."
    The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

    The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer.
    The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days
    that Mr. Taylor has passed away.
    Why do you continue to call?!"

    The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office."

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