Please put more jokes here Please put more jokes here - Page 62
Page 62 of 649 FirstFirst ... 1252606162636472112162562 ... LastLast
Posts 611 to 620 of 6481
  1. #611

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    The strange tale of the bronze cat

    One day, an Englishman walked into an antiques shop in London. Looking
    around he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat. The sculpture
    is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the
    price.

    "Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100
    pounds for the story that goes with it."

    "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep your story." The
    transaction completed, the Englishman leaves the store with the bronze
    cat in his arms.

    As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge
    from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
    shoulder he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another
    alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two
    blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to
    point and shout. He walks even faster and soon breaks out into a trot
    as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots and
    abandoned cars.

    Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and he sees the waterfront at
    the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No
    matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up hissing insanely, now not
    just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to
    the waters edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him.

    Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one
    arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river Thames. Clinging to
    the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats
    surges over the banks of the river, where they all drown.

    Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antiques
    shop. "Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

    "No." says the Englishman, "I was wondering if you have a bronze asylum
    seeker."

  2. #612

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the
    million pound question.

    Chris Tarrent says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and
    remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

    "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a
    badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

    Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

    I'll have to go 50-50."

    Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what
    you're left with. 'Badger' and 'cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

    Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
    still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

    "So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders
    Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

    So Tarrent phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrent from 'Who
    Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your
    help he could win one million pounds.

    The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".

    "Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
    in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks
    without hesitation.

    "You sure, son?" says Fergie. "Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent.It's a
    badger. Definitely."

    "Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
    Final answer."

    "Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million
    pounds!!"

    Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across.

    "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble
    giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know
    that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

    "Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in
    a clock."

  3. #613

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    How to get posted to traffic duty...

    The following story relates to an incident that occurred in Nigeria when four
    policemen were hired to provide security at a wedding.

    A police spokesman said "As is customary after the service, the officers
    took out their guns and fired shots into the air as a mark of respect to the
    new couple. But, possibly due to the influence of alcohol, their aim was
    slightly beserk, and they very much appear to have accidentally shot and
    killed Mr Okonkwo (the groom) and his wife, along with the organist, another
    man who was representing the father-in-law, and someone who hadn't even been
    invited.

    "Of course we take this matter very seriously, and if we can find out which
    of the four policemen fired the fatal shots, take it from me, this will be
    the last wedding he attends for some time. From now on, it will be traffic
    duty only for him"

    (with thanks to Private Eye no.1057)

  4. #614

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    A Connecticut man's shaving cream disguise dripped off his face during a
    failed raid on a shop. Mickey Lyman has pleaded guilty to assault,
    risking injury to a child and unlawful restraint after the raid on the
    shop in Rockville. The 44-year-old entered the shop wearing the shaving
    cream disguise and brandishing a starter pistol. Shop owner Shahab Mirza
    said: "In a second we recognised him." Lyman is a regular customer.

    A US magician's been arrested in Japan for allegedly trying to smuggle a
    large amount of cannabis inside his juggling balls. Terence David Shaird
    began performing one of his tricks when custom officials asked him to open
    his bags at Narita Airport. The officials became suspicious and found a
    kilogram of the drug inside two balls.

    A pair of Siamese twins have found love with the same man. Cape Town's
    Karen and Nikki Stafford have both settled down with trucker Ron Bullock.
    "Nikki loves Ron's romantic side," said Karen. "And he makes me laugh."
    Ron is equally complimentary. "Being with both Nikki and Karen is like
    love in stereo."

    An American TV executive has admonished viewers for ignoring adverts.
    Jamie Kellner, chairman of Turner Broadcasting, complained that by
    skipping the adverts, "you're actually stealing programming. Your contract
    with the network is that you're going to watch the advertising spots."

    Los Angeles school teacher Tracy Niederkirk has been fired after stripping
    naked in an anatomy class. She claimed she was merely pointing out the
    finer details of the female body.

    A Belgian butcher has developed a salami containing surprise gifts for
    children. Alain Fontain says he is hoping to rival the success of Kinder
    surprise chocolate eggs.

    An Indian woman has married a statue. Reports say the 21-year-old
    convinced her father to buy the statue of Krishna when she saw it in a
    shop in Mathura. The woman named by Sify News as Premlata from Kadaura
    village then convinced her parents she wanted to marry it.

    Two airline pilots have been charged with being drunk in charge of an
    aircraft at Miami International Airport. The America West pilots were
    ordered to return to the airport terminal moments before takeoff. Police
    say security screeners had noticed a whiff of alcohol on the men when they
    tried to bring cups of coffee through the checkpoint.

    Tony Bennett and his group Active Resistance to Metrication, carried out a
    three-year campaign against Lee Valley Regional Park Authority. In
    December anti-metric activists damaged about 15 signs in the 10,000 acre
    park which stretches from Ware in Herts, to the East India Dock Basin in
    east London. The park has now admitted it had been wrong to change
    footpath signs from imperial to metric.

    Percy, a border collie mix dog, is running for Congress in Florida
    againstSecretary of State Katherine Harris. The write-in candidate in
    theRepublican primary has his own official website
    www.percyforcongress.org which states: "Percy, District 13's only black
    white candidate, fluent in Spanish, is a strong believer in cross culture,
    cross species interface, and has vowed, if elected, to support programmes
    that foment these ideals."

    Paul Gordon-Saker, a partner in London law firm Stephenson Harwood, has
    issued a writ seeking libel damages from Diners' Club after his card was
    turned down by an exclusive London fashion store when he tried to buy a
    dress for his wife. Gordon-Saker claims that this amounted to libel
    because it erroneously suggested he did not have sufficient credit with
    the company to meet the £380 cost of the dress.


    The FBI and New Orleans police are looking for people who took bags of
    money that fell out of the back of an armoured van. The Intertrust
    Armored Services vehicle had exited a motorway when its back door opened
    and the money dropped out. The driver didn't realise at first what had
    happened and continued his journey.

    Christopher Antus was arrested while wearing the bright orange shirt which
    read: "Fugitive. You never saw me." Indiana State police Trooper Jerrod
    Patty spotted the shirt after pulling the car over for allegedly drifting
    off the roadway. When he checked the names of the passengers in the car,
    he discovered an arrest warrant was out for Antus

    Two Canadian otters at the National Sea Life Sanctuary in Oban, Scotland
    have been placed under 24-hour protection from aggressive local otters who
    are confused by their "foreign accents," a newspaper reported Wednesday.
    Though almost twice the size of their wild Scottish relatives, the pair
    are disadvantaged by their foreign accents and scent. Dialects are common
    in animal communications, but because of the differences in the sounds
    they make it will be difficult for these Canadian otters to communicate
    with the native ones," Matthew Evans, an animal communications expert from
    Stirling University, was quoted as saying. There is no doubt dropping two
    foreign otters into a territory of wild locals would lead to the local
    ones beating the living daylights out of the new ones"

  5. #615

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his
    itinerary to visit the wild West coast of Northland on an impromptu
    sightseeing trip.

    His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an
    enormous commotion heard just off a headland.

    He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
    noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a gold football
    jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty
    foot shark.

    At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing black football
    tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men
    took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it
    instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the water
    and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the
    bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark
    and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
    frantic shouting from the shore.

    It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them
    reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
    said:
    "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there
    were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New
    Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
    see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and
    could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed
    them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

    As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others: 'Who was that???!"

    "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
    contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

    "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows ***** all about shark hunting.
    How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

  6. #616

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived
    a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a
    particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very
    nasty rumors!"
    The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of
    you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded
    'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
    party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal
    followers."
    Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know
    how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that
    you were a wizard under the sheets."

  7. #617

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    Saving the airline industry!

    Letter to the Federal Aviation Agency
    800 Independence Avenue S.W.
    Washington
    D.C. 20591

    Dear Sirs,

    I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have the
    solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we just might
    get the Airline industry back on its feet.

    Here's my plan: Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked or
    nearly naked women, we should replace all of our female flight
    attendants with strippers. Muslims would not get on the planes for
    fear of seeing a naked or nearly naked woman. Of course every
    businessman in this country would start flying again in
    anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
    screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record sales.
    Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery. It truly puzzles me that
    congress didn't already come up with this. Am I the only one
    who thinks clearly on these issues?

    Sincerely,

    Bill Clinton

  8. #618

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    > Eye Surgeon
    > There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she
    > started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a
    > painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
    > After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was
    > restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her
    > gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
    > Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she
    > had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest
    > work of art: the doctor's office.
    > During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
    > asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
    > painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
    > To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a
    > gynecologist.'"

  9. #619

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    > New Priest
    > A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
    > speak........After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
    > monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
    > I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
    > I take a sip."
    > So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the
    > sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
    > Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
    > the door:
    > 1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    > 2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    > 3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    > 4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    > 5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
    > 6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    > 7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
    > and the Spook.
    > 8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him
    > 9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
    > was stoned off his ass.
    > 10.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
    > 11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and
    > eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
    > 12.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
    > 13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
    > the grub, yeah God.
    > 14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
    > peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

  10. #620

    I Am Legend


    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    101,347

    Default

    > Small Town
    >
    > The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did
    > some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000
    > rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, the bought the
    > cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the
    > time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a
    > bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would
    > never have to worry about the milk supply again.
    > They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
    > However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
    > No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
    > bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and
    > decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the
    > rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves
    > away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
    > approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side
    > and she just walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about this
    > for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were
    > dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You
    > are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The
    > rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •