Please put more jokes here Please put more jokes here - Page 755
Page 755 of 772 FirstFirst ... 255655705745753754755756757765 ... LastLast
Posts 7,541 to 7,550 of 7712
  1. #7541

    Double Godlike!

    ladymuck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    London
    Posts
    12,030

    Default

    I'm thinking of opening an anal bleaching salon that specialises in different shades
    I'll call it Ring Tones

  2. #7542

    Double Godlike!

    ladymuck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    London
    Posts
    12,030

    Default

    Why do old assembly programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

    31 Oct is the same as 25 Dec.

  3. #7543

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    A Welshman was up in court this week after being caught having sex with an entire herd of crossbred cloned sheep.


    In his plea for mitigating circumstances he said "he'd always had a weakness for Dolly mixtures".
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  4. #7544

    Respect my authoritah!

    NotAllThere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Far away from HMRC
    Posts
    23,764

    Default

    Netflix are doing a new series about the lives of composers. It's a bit drawn out though. The episodes about Vivaldi cover four seasons.
    Down with racism. Long live miscegenation!

  5. #7545

    Banned


    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Under your kitchen sink
    Posts
    11,676

    Default

    MEN are organizing BBQ on Whatsapp:
    Topic: BBQ
    Man 1: Hey guys, when are we going to barbecue?
    Man 2: Thursday at 20.00 p.m. in ′′ Man 9 ′′ house
    Man 1: Okay what do we take?
    Man 9: I buy the meat and the drinks, then we split.
    Man 5: Ok
    Man 1: Ok
    Man 3: Ok
    Man 2: Ok
    Man 4: Ok
    Man 6: Ok
    Man 7: Ok
    Man 8: Ok
    Man 10: Ok
    Man 11: Ok
    Man 12: Ok
    Man 13: Ok
    Man 14: Ok
    Man 15: Ok
    END OF CONVERSATION
    WOMEN are organizing BBQ on WhatsApp:
    Topic: BBQ
    Woman 1: Hi everyone, when are we going to meet up and barbecue?
    Woman 2: Thursday at 20 p.m.
    Woman 3: Where?
    Woman 2: Idk
    Woman 4: Where girls?
    Woman 4: If you want you can join me
    Woman 2: Wouldn't it be better to go to a restaurant?
    Woman 5: No, home is better then we don't spend that much and have more time
    Woman 2: Okay with me
    Woman 3: Ok
    Woman 5: Ok
    Woman 4: Ok
    Woman 6: Okay? Restaurant or at home?
    Woman 2: Home
    Woman 7: Restaurant
    Woman 2: Then let's go to woman 4 house
    Woman 3: Okay, what do we take?
    Woman 8: Does anyone know how to barbecue?
    Woman 2: #lookingforwardtoit
    Woman 6: What shall we buy?
    Woman 2: Let's make a list
    Woman 8: Ok
    Woman 4: A little meat and salad, what do you think?
    Woman 5: Well I'm on a diet so I'm just going to eat lettuce and tomatoes
    Woman 2: Okay then?
    Woman 1: I'll make a list and everyone says what they can bring
    Woman 2: Greek salad
    Woman 3: Quinoa
    Woman 4: Sausage and potatoes
    Woman 5: Hit, tomato and some vegetables for another salad
    Woman 1: Okay, how much?
    Woman 6: Idk
    Woman 2: 5 sausages?
    Woman 2: Who eats sausage?
    Woman 2: Not me
    Woman 5: Not me
    Woman 7: Not me
    Woman 3: Not me
    Woman 4: Not me
    Woman 8: Not me
    Woman 1: Okay then I won't buy sausage
    Woman 2: But you, woman 4, why did you say you were going to buy sausage if you don't eat it?
    Woman 4: Because I put myself in the shoes of someone eating sausage
    Woman 1: Ok then no sausage
    Woman 1: satés and steak, 1 kilograms and 1 kilograms, ok?
    Woman 7: It seems small
    Woman 1: How much?
    Woman 2: Idk
    Woman 2: Girls? What do you think?
    Woman 8: I think it's half a kilo per person
    Woman 4: How much are we?
    Woman 1: Idk. Girls, confirm who's going
    Woman 2: Me
    Woman 3: Me
    Woman 5: Me
    Woman 6: Me
    Woman 7: Me
    Woman 8: Me
    Woman 9: Me
    Woman 10: Me
    Woman 11: Me
    Woman 4: When is it?
    Woman 2: Thursday?
    Woman 4: I can't then
    Woman 2: Bad luck, so we don't have a location?
    Woman 4: Sorry girls the reminder for this appointment just went
    Woman 1: What other house is available?
    Woman 8: How much are we?
    Woman 2: 10
    Woman 3: It doesn't fit in my house
    Woman 5: Not mine either
    Woman 6: Not mine either
    Woman 7: Much less in mine
    Woman 8: Not mine either
    Woman 9: Not mine either
    Woman 10: Mine can do it... but I need chairs, can anyone bring?
    Woman 2: Woman 11 has a seat rental shop she can take with her
    Woman 5: But she doesn't reply she must be at work
    Woman 9: I don't eat sausage
    Woman 2: We still have to find a location
    Woman 12: Sorry girls just got the phone what happened?
    Woman 2: Still looking for a location
    Woman 12: Come to my house no stress
    Woman 2: Ok, excellent
    Woman 12: Wait... what day?
    Woman 2: Thursday at 20.00 p.m.
    Woman 12: Huummmmm that complicates things... can it be Wednesday?
    Woman 2: Fine
    Woman 2: Same time?
    Woman 2: Yes?
    Woman 3: I can
    Woman 4: I can
    Woman 5: I need to take Gabi to her grandmother's house but I can go later after she falls asleep
    Woman 8: Okay.
    Woman 9: I can
    Woman 6: I can
    Woman 7: I can
    Woman 11: I can
    Woman 2: Done, Wednesday at wife 12's house.
    Woman 3: Yes
    Woman 1: Girls, come back to the BBQ... do I buy half a kilo per person?
    Woman 8: Yes
    Woman 1: Ok I'll ask Pieter to buy
    Woman 2: Ok... and what shall we do with drinks?
    Woman 3: Everyone take what they drink and that's all
    Woman 9: I can't because I'm going straight from work
    Woman 6: Well, woman 1 better buy everything and send it a little bit later
    Woman 1: Girls, I can't buy everything, is anyone giving me a hand?
    Woman 6: I will help, what are you girls drinking?
    Woman 2: Coke Zero
    Woman 4: Water
    Woman 5: Juice
    Woman 6: Spa red
    Woman 9: Water with a taste
    Woman 3: Girls, can we buy peach ice tea?
    Woman 8: Let's go to a restaurant girls that's less effort
    Woman 2: I think so too
    Woman 4: Me too
    Woman 6: Me too
    Woman 7: Me too
    Woman 9: Me too
    Woman 11: Me too
    Woman 12: Me too
    Woman 1: Ahhh girls, I already sent Pieter to buy everything, we need to bbq
    Woman 2: Uhh nonsense...
    Woman 4: I want water but it must be Bonaqua containing less sodium then I won't get a bloated feeling
    Woman 1: Girls, can we organize please?????
    Woman 2: Ok
    Woman 6: Ok
    Woman 4: Ok
    Woman 9: Ok
    Woman 5: Ok
    Woman 8: Ok
    Woman 11: I don't eat sausage either
    Woman 5: (sends a necklace) Girls... please share... The dog is called BOB... he got lost at the station yesterday, if everyone works together, we can find him and bring him back to his owners... They must be sick worried 😭
    Woman 6: Yes, poor BOB
    Woman 9: BOB is beautiful!! What breed is it?
    Woman 5: Idk... got this on my yoga group
    Woman 2: But do you know the owners?
    Woman 5: No, but I felt sorry for BOB
    Woman 1: Pieter called me from the butcher shop and said they don't have steaks, what should we get?
    Woman 2: I prefer chorizo steak
    Woman 4: Me too
    Woman 1: Girls, we can decide right away because Pieter is going to kill me, he's at the butcher shop waiting for us to decide
    Woman 6: I think it's unfair that it always goes like this, it's always the same ones that organize everything and nobody else feels called to do anything
    Woman 10: Hi girls just woke up and got 369 posts in our group what happened?
    Woman 3: Shall I tell you...

  6. #7546

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    My local brothel has an online reservation system.


    I’ve got a slot booked between 7 and 8 tonight.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  7. #7547

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    I knocked on Ed Sheeran's door knowing full well he couldn't come out.


    I love playing lockdown ginger.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  8. #7548

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    Think I might give Halloween a miss this year … after all, I’ve been munching sweets and wearing a mask since March.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  9. #7549

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    Yesterday I met my Welsh girlfriend’s whole family for the first time.


    Her father, her uncle, her brother.


    Nice guy.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  10. #7550

    My post count is Majestic

    vetran's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Come Friendly Bombs
    Posts
    36,254

    Default

    I was surprised when my dad told me he's a retired dog walker.


    I don't know why he doesn't walk working dogs too.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •