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  1. Replies
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    This keeping two metres apart is absolutely...

    This keeping two metres apart is absolutely ridiculous.

    I've just moved the electric meter away from the gas meter and now I've got no ******* power.
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    for WTFH I can't believe I'm in isolation with...

    for WTFH

    I can't believe I'm in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she's pregnant.



    So be careful fella's, this virus obviously reverses...
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    for NLUK Meatloaf is getting married again....

    for NLUK

    Meatloaf is getting married again. He's engaged to his accountant.


    Apparently she'll do anything for love, but she won't do VAT.
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    cccThe Day is now divided into two halves......

    cccThe Day is now divided into two halves...
    First half Caffeine.
    Second half Alcohol.
    There are no other rules.The Day is now divided into two halves...First half Caffeine.Second half...
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    I was shagging the wife at 8pm. Goin...

    I was shagging the wife at 8pm.





    Goin at it like the clappers.
  6. Replies
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    There still seems to be a lot of confusion about...

    There still seems to be a lot of confusion about this new virus.

    Most people don't know their SARS from their EBOLA.
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    "Feel like trying some watersports tonight?"...

    "Feel like trying some watersports tonight?" asked my wife, grinning.

    "Ok," I replied. "If urine the mood."
  8. Replies
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    Well poor old Prince Charles has tested positive...

    Well poor old Prince Charles has tested positive for COVID -19.
    Sorry Charles, but you would insist on shagging an old bat.
  9. Replies
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    If BT want to improve the nation's broadband...

    If BT want to improve the nation's broadband speed why don't they just send me round a hooker every night
  10. Replies
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    Prince Charles has tested positive for...

    Prince Charles has tested positive for Coronavirus, but reassures us, he’s in good spirits.

    OK for some, the rest of us have to make do with cheap disinfectant.
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    There's only so long before watching porn and...

    There's only so long before watching porn and wanking becomes boring.
    But I'll give it a few more years.
  12. Replies
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    I ordered a chinese there, wee chinese driver...

    I ordered a chinese there, wee chinese driver comes to the door and I walked out to meet him. The chap then started shouting "isolate isolate". I said "Mate your'e not that late, I only ordered 10...
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    Whoever said one person can't change the world...

    Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat
  14. Replies
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    Prince William: "Hi Harry. Dad has COVID-19."...

    Prince William: "Hi Harry. Dad has COVID-19."
    Prince Harry: "Yours might have."
  15. Replies
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    I was trying to figure out why I was so grumpy....

    I was trying to figure out why I was so grumpy.
    Then I realized, I'm stuck in a house with a newborn, a toddler and a postnatal wife.
    And my Scotch is running low.
  16. Replies
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    More unexpected bonuses have come from the...

    More unexpected bonuses have come from the coronavirus pandemic-now nobody give a flying **** what's happening on love island!
  17. Replies
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    With all the Covid-19 problems around the world...

    With all the Covid-19 problems around the world my wife broke down in tears today.I said “come one love - what’s up”“I’m homesick” she replied“But this is your home” I said“I know” she said, “I’m...
  18. Replies
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    Well I've done my bit but I doubt I'll get thanks...

    Well I've done my bit but I doubt I'll get thanks for it ..

    I gave nan's carer the clap at 8 pm tonight.
  19. Replies
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    Thank you Pandemic. I can keep a packet of...

    Thank you Pandemic.

    I can keep a packet of baby wipes next to the computer and nobody suspects a thing
  20. Replies
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    During this virus lockdown I'm bored, so I...

    During this virus lockdown I'm bored, so I decided to hold a wet t-shirt contest.



    Looking at them hanging on the line, I've decided I like my red one the best.
  21. Replies
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    The definition of irony: Getting a sixty quid...

    The definition of irony: Getting a sixty quid fine for being outside 'unnecessarily' from the copper who told you they hadn't the manpower to investigate, when you were burgled 6 weeks ago.
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    Eek! Due to a lack of soft toilet paper , I am...

    Eek! Due to a lack of soft toilet paper , I am now self-izalating.
  23. Replies
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    With the news about Prince Charles and Boris...

    With the news about Prince Charles and Boris Johnson coming up positive for Covid 19, today Prince Harry submitted himself to a test.
    He didn't want to, until his aide reassured him that "We're...
  24. Replies
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    I was told that having no taste was an early...

    I was told that having no taste was an early symptom of the Coronavirus.

    Looking across at my fat, ugly wife, I must have been infected for years.
  25. Replies
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    My electric fan has contracted Coronavirus. It’s...

    My electric fan has contracted Coronavirus.
    It’s currently self-oscillating.
  26. Replies
    6,853
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    I went shopping this morning, or tried to. The...

    I went shopping this morning, or tried to. The newsagent was closed. The corner shop was closed. The greengrocer was closed. The hardware store was closed.

    It was like this last Friday too.

    I...
  27. Replies
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    Little Greta Thunberg has been feeling ill and...

    Little Greta Thunberg has been feeling ill and self-diagnosed herself with the corona virus a couple of days ago.

    Unfortunately as well, her condition has been getting much worse.

    Fortunately...
  28. Replies
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    I'm starting to get really concerned about my...

    I'm starting to get really concerned about my son. For the last several days he's done absolutely **** all but sit on the sofa with a headset on and holding a game controller and playing this...
  29. Thread: #ClapForCarers

    by vetran
    Replies
    28
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    425

    All good points and with luck that will happen if...

    All good points and with luck that will happen if the public keep up the pressure.
  30. Thread: #ClapForCarers

    by vetran
    Replies
    28
    Views
    425

    It was quite social stood out and chatted with...

    It was quite social stood out and chatted with our neighbours (2m distance) in the close, all good fun.


    sorry I was late on here Real life got in the way.

    :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:
  31. Replies
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    Sticky: ooh ta!

    ooh ta!
  32. Replies
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    Sticky: mmmm Buffy! Sarah Michelle Geller is a very...

    mmmm Buffy!

    Sarah Michelle Geller is a very naughty girl
  33. Replies
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    it seems to be the same as prostate cancer many...

    it seems to be the same as prostate cancer many die with it not from it.
  34. Replies
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    Sticky: Mumsnet will have him!

    Mumsnet will have him!
  35. Thread: Hikikomori CFL

    by vetran
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    CUking just after Fu_king?

    CUking just after Fu_king?
  36. Replies
    325,879
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    Sticky: I don't understand women, when you want to get...

    I don't understand women, when you want to get friendly normally they run away, when there is a pandemic they want to get close enough to swap bodily fluids with you!

    Its called social distancing...
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    He will probably need training on stacking the...

    He will probably need training on stacking the beans right, are you going to mentor him?
  38. Replies
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    Sticky: wish me luck off to the Shops!

    wish me luck off to the Shops!
  39. Replies
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    actually 1986 What was the first Windows...

    actually 1986

    What was the first Windows virus? What was the first antivirus? - Windows Bulletin Tutorials
  40. Replies
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    oh triple winners! Not like that is news ...

    oh triple winners!

    Not like that is news

    Steve Jobs And Winston Churchill Didn't Start Out As Great Speakers




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRQwLrpX61M
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    working with tulip statistics

    Coronavirus pathogens in SEWAGE and wastewater could help track the virus | Daily Mail Online




    what a sensible idea!
  42. Replies
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    well that is your expenses sorted!

    well that is your expenses sorted!
  43. Replies
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    So they hired people with a good track record...

    So they hired people with a good track record i.e. double winners?

    Should they have used Camamoron or Magic Grandpa's team?
  44. I think there will be a massive re-alignment and...

    I think there will be a massive re-alignment and many people will suffer.

    I was listening to LBC this morning an someone phoned up complaining that the bank wouldn't offer them a loan as they were...
  45. Replies
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    Sticky: forget that its the Alpha 177 episode of STOS on...

    forget that its the Alpha 177 episode of STOS on Horror (the one with a Dougal dog with a Unicorn horn).
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    or turbo cider from boxed apple juice in 7 days.

    or turbo cider from boxed apple juice in 7 days.
  47. Replies
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    Sticky: Noticeable by his absence

    Noticeable by his absence
  48. Replies
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    Sticky: we had propper drivel - century

    we had propper drivel - century
  49. Replies
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    18,479,309

    Sticky: when i was young!

    when i was young!
  50. Replies
    325,879
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    18,479,309

    Sticky: when do I get those???

    when do I get those???
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