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  1. 'According to one theory' use to mean 'according...

    'According to one theory' use to mean 'according to a bloke in the pub'. For obvious reasons, it now means 'according to someone on Twatter'...:ohwell
  2. Thread: Panic buying

    by Mordac
    Replies
    180
    Views
    5,453

    I checked our old Ocado acct, in the hope of...

    I checked our old Ocado acct, in the hope of resurrecting it (reset pwd etd) and it turns out we opened it in 2009 using the wifes old email acct. So we're stuck in the infinite queue of new...
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    You're no fun, are you...?:wink

    You're no fun, are you...?:wink
  4. Replies
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    484

    I worked on a 'tech refresh' project for...

    I worked on a 'tech refresh' project for Railtrack 20 years ago and I still get asked about working on rail engineering projects to this day, mostly from the same few agencies. I imagine they will go...
  5. Thread: 60% LTV

    by Mordac
    Replies
    39
    Views
    1,229

    Which is what the rest of us would call a '3 car...

    Which is what the rest of us would call a '3 car garage'...:wink
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    I'll only believe it once Diane Abbot...

    I'll only believe it once Diane Abbot corroborates the numbers...:igmc:
  7. Thread: Panic buying

    by Mordac
    Replies
    180
    Views
    5,453

    Or do what I do, and make Banana Coladas. You...

    Or do what I do, and make Banana Coladas. You need coconut milk (1 tin) and some white rum (as much as you like/need) and some over-ripe bananas. Throw in a blender with some ice, and some pineapple...
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    You can't even claim expenses to re-train as an...

    You can't even claim expenses to re-train as an umbrella maker. Ironic isn't it...
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    3,044

    The local paper is saying cycling has been banned...

    The local paper is saying cycling has been banned in Richmond Park from today. :yay:
  10. Replies
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    7,531

    I thought you were too posh for Chelsea...:wink

    I thought you were too posh for Chelsea...:wink
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    484

    This is General. If you choose to come unarmed,...

    This is General. If you choose to come unarmed, that's your call. Just saying...
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    306

    How fortunate we all are that we will have to...

    How fortunate we all are that we will have to share the next few days, weeks, or God forbid, months in your exhalted company.

    *Sets alarm for whatever-o-clock your flamethrowers are all set...
  13. Really? No, genuinely, really? I know he has some...

    Really? No, genuinely, really? I know he has some land, but more than the Royals, are you absolutely sure?
  14. I'm planning on doing a public sector rant...

    I'm planning on doing a public sector rant tomorrow, it'll be based on my many tours of duty in the public sector over the last nearly 30 years, so make sure you tune in. We can have some fun....
  15. If he's earned it, I don't give a flying tulip how...

    If he's earned it, I don't give a flying tulip how he wants to spend it. It's not my decision, and thankfully, for now at least, it's not your decision either. And while you're holed up in Germanyland...
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    I'm surprised it hasn't stopped before now. It...

    I'm surprised it hasn't stopped before now. It only serves one purpose, that being that it's the most civilised way to travel from Waterloo to the O2. There's a bar on board. I probably don't need to...
  17. Yes, the 'complete knobhead' element didn't...

    Yes, the 'complete knobhead' element didn't escape me. Thank God he's an expat, is what I'm telling myself. If we ever re-open the borders, can we make some exceptions...:wink
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    7,531

    If you genuinely need to travel around on the...

    If you genuinely need to travel around on the tube, you will. Very soon.
  19. Virgin looked after us when we were stranded in...

    Virgin looked after us when we were stranded in LA following 9/11. For that alone, I thank them. You're a bitter little man, and looking ever more little by the hour.
  20. They'll need to clean it up first. Even the dead...

    They'll need to clean it up first. Even the dead have certain standards...:suicide:

    Edit: It might just help their Tripadvisor rating though, so every cloud, and all that...
  21. I'll stick my neck out and say that has dropped...

    I'll stick my neck out and say that has dropped to zero. And I mean zero on the Kelvin scale.
  22. Oh I dunno. Opens up a whole new fetish market...

    Oh I dunno. Opens up a whole new fetish market that wasn't catered for before...

    :igmc:
  23. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    If we pray really hard, will they let you in?...

    If we pray really hard, will they let you in? Let's hope so...:wave:
  24. Thread: No more parties

    by Mordac
    Replies
    9
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    261

    They're only vulnerable BECAUSE they are related...

    They're only vulnerable BECAUSE they are related to them.
  25. Thread: No more parties

    by Mordac
    Replies
    9
    Views
    261

    Do you mind stopping off at mine on the way? I'm...

    Do you mind stopping off at mine on the way? I'm running low. I can promise no physical contact. Although even if there wasn't a virus crisis I probably wouldn't want to go near you...:wink
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    But not a very good one. A Dead Parody, of the...

    But not a very good one. A Dead Parody, of the Norwegian Blue variety, so to speak...
  27. Replies
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    7,531

    BTP are stopping people at some London stations...

    BTP are stopping people at some London stations to verify whether they should be travelling. Staff ID should suffice (if it's obvious you work for a well-known organisation like the NHS or a local...
  28. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    Your spellchecker is deffo broken Alf. ...

    Your spellchecker is deffo broken Alf.

    Meanwhile, football is returning to our screens. ITV are apparently screening the whole of Euro96. Every match. You might want to look out for the...
  29. Thread: Self Employed

    by Mordac
    Replies
    70
    Views
    8,019

    And anyone who's earned more than £50k in any of...

    And anyone who's earned more than £50k in any of the last 3 years gets feck all anyway*. I'm pretty sure that catches just about everyone on here. :eyes

    *Or have I misunderstood that?
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    Have you considered how you're going to break the...

    Have you considered how you're going to break the news to her? Top tip, don't tell her in the kitchen, there'll be a lot of knives to hand...:wink
  31. It is a bit like choosing whether to be shot or...

    It is a bit like choosing whether to be shot or stabbed, I'll admit, but I'll take Boris over Korbyn.
  32. Thread: No more parties

    by Mordac
    Replies
    9
    Views
    261

    Why is it that weapons-grade bell-ends like this...

    Why is it that weapons-grade bell-ends like this can have immunity from being identified, but someone accused (but not yet convicted) of a serious offence can't?

    I'm adding this to my List Of...
  33. Absolutely this. Somebody had to be in the...

    Absolutely this. Somebody had to be in the hot-seat when this all kicked off, and I'm hugely relieved it's not Korbyn.
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    Oh, is that what it was? :tumble:

    Oh, is that what it was? :tumble:
  35. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    She never paid me. :emb

    She never paid me. :emb
  36. Replies
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    Can't believe no-one's mentioned Stairway to...

    Can't believe no-one's mentioned Stairway to Heaven.
  37. One day he may even get to open it...:wink

    One day he may even get to open it...:wink
  38. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    D'you mind if I pass on that one...My tin hat...

    D'you mind if I pass on that one...My tin hat seems to be missing...

    :eek:
  39. That's OK, we know you're a complete bell-end so...

    That's OK, we know you're a complete bell-end so we're letting you off just this once...
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    You'll have to go on your own, and you do still...

    You'll have to go on your own, and you do still get the 5 bottles of wine, although you won't be able to buy any paracetamol for the inevitable morning after. :ohwell
  41. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    Just think, if only you'd ignored her, you might...

    Just think, if only you'd ignored her, you might have some food by now...:wink
  42. I know, it's all death, depression and misery. I...

    I know, it's all death, depression and misery. I really should stop watching Eastenders...:igmc:
  43. In his case, there's absolutely no evidence to...

    In his case, there's absolutely no evidence to provide...
  44. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    By the time they've grown, you might be able to...

    By the time they've grown, you might be able to buy them in shops. (It's a novel idea, I know).
    And if the chickens don't lay enough, show 'em the gravy...:tongue
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    484

    Get used to it. Thousands of the useless feckers...

    Get used to it. Thousands of the useless feckers are now wfh unsupervised. There will be many dark days ahead, folks...
  46. Thread: 60% LTV

    by Mordac
    Replies
    39
    Views
    1,229

    :laugh I'm selling my shed, I'll only be a...

    :laugh

    I'm selling my shed, I'll only be a tenner short...
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    586

    Spellchecker fubar. She's got a sore something,...

    Spellchecker fubar. She's got a sore something, but I can't think what...:ohwell
  48. Thread: Weekend plans

    by Mordac
    Replies
    42
    Views
    647

    Sorry to hear that.

    Sorry to hear that.
  49. Replies
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    193

    :facepalm:

    :facepalm:
  50. Replies
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    1,107

    Two leaflets just popped through the letterbox....

    Two leaflets just popped through the letterbox. One from a well known pizza delivery chain, the other inviting me to take out a funeral plan with £100 discount. Coincidence?
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