Fire! Fire!
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  1. #1

    Godlike

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    Default Fire!

    Ok people. Help me out here. I have a lovely open fireplace here, and I'm cold. I have tons of wood (apparently 'seasoned')outside my front door, and some coal. But I have no idea how to light a fire....?
    Practically perfect in every way....there's a time and (more importantly) a place for malarkey.
    +5 Xeno Cool Points

  2. #2

    Pilchard

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    Quote Originally Posted by MaryPoppins View Post
    Ok people. Help me out here. I have a lovely open fireplace here, and I'm cold. I have tons of wood (apparently 'seasoned')outside my front door, and some coal. But I have no idea how to light a fire....?
    Get a nice local chap in to do it for you while you put the kettle on.

    Firelighters and newspaper are you're friend...

  3. #3

    My post count is Majestic

    NickFitz has reached the peak. Play again?

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  4. #4

    The beerded one

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    Quote Originally Posted by MaryPoppins View Post
    Ok people. Help me out here. I have a lovely open fireplace here, and I'm cold. I have tons of wood (apparently 'seasoned')outside my front door, and some coal. But I have no idea how to light a fire....?
    lol

    you need 'small bits' at the bottom
    'medium bits' in the middle
    'tough bits' at the top

    and you need to love it. and feed it.


    all the layers need lots of spaces, to allow the air to flow.



    So.

    empty the grate.
    empty the shelf underneath (the ashes)
    Get some newspaper, or equiv, and screw it into tight rolls
    make a layer at the bottom of the grate
    add in some small splinters of wood or firelighters , things that will light easily

    add a smaller layer of bigger stuff. small twigs, bits of wood the size of yer thumb etc

    add a few big lumps, the size of yer arm. make sure they are dry ( put the wets on later)




    you should have a big airy pyramid. stick a match to to some paper at the bottom. and watch what happens


    (\__/)
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    ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work

  5. #5

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    Have you had your chimney swept recently?
    While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'

  6. #6

    Fingers like lightning

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    Pop down to the local garage, pick up one of their portable fuel cans and brim it with unleaded (needs to be the more expensive Super stuff, regular unleaded doesn't burn so well).

    When you get back home, soak a rag or old tea towel in the stuff, then stick it in the lid of the can so half the rag is sticking out.

    Bung the can in the fireplace, light the rag, then wang a few logs on.

    Hey presto, nice and toasty.









    And keep 999 on speed dial, just as a precaution.

  7. #7

    Godlike

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    Quote Originally Posted by EternalOptimist View Post
    lol

    you need 'small bits' at the bottom
    'medium bits' in the middle
    'tough bits' at the top

    and you need to love it. and feed it.


    all the layers need lots of spaces, to allow the air to flow.



    So.

    empty the grate.
    empty the shelf underneath (the ashes)
    Get some newspaper, or equiv, and screw it into tight rolls
    make a layer at the bottom of the grate
    add in some small splinters of wood or firelighters , things that will light easily

    add a smaller layer of bigger stuff. small twigs, bits of wood the size of yer thumb etc

    add a few big lumps, the size of yer arm. make sure they are dry ( put the wets on later)




    you should have a big airy pyramid. stick a match to to some paper at the bottom. and watch what happens


    V comprehensive EO, thank yoooou!

    Quote Originally Posted by doodab View Post
    Have you had your chimney swept recently?
    Hum. No. It's been a while.
    Practically perfect in every way....there's a time and (more importantly) a place for malarkey.
    +5 Xeno Cool Points

  8. #8

    More fingers than teeth

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    Unused fireplace...

    Chimney fire.

    That is all.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by minestrone View Post
    Unused fireplace...

    Chimney fire.

    That is all.
    The chimney has been swept, if that's what you're referring to.

    Practically perfect in every way....there's a time and (more importantly) a place for malarkey.
    +5 Xeno Cool Points

  10. #10

    King of updation

    TestMangler - scorchio!

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    Quote Originally Posted by MaryPoppins View Post
    The chimney has been swept, if that's what you're referring to.

    On Desolation Boulevard, they'd light the faded lights.....

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